Here I go again… :)

 Well, here I am back again! I just keep turning up, like a bad penny! LOL

Things in my life are on the move again. It seems like God never lets me rest. lol  and yet here I was complaining not too long ago that He wasn’t doing anything. He was, just as I always knew He was, just in HIS time frame, not mine.

Alan and Marty are long gone, and good riddance. As much as what they did hurt, now I am just as happy that I have God on my side, and He has seen fit to protect me from myself, yet again, and keep me looking.  In December I did something that I swore I wasn’t gonna do anymore. I got on another damn dating website. Only, after Match, I was thinking that I was looking for the right guy in the wrong places. So I sat down one night, made a list of the things that were important to me, and that I refused to do without again. Top of that list was God. I spent far too much of my life without God in it, and he wasn’t present in my marriages either. So God was/is my top priority in a new relationship. Then the rest of that list was just like it always has been; Honesty, compassion, loyalty, fidelity, etc. Those of you who know me can fill in the rest of the blanks.

Once I had this in place, then I’m thinking, where to look?  I sorta scanned the general dating websites and didn’t like what I saw, and I’m not paying for E-Harmony. So I stopped looking. ShawnDe had been telling me for a while – “Give it to God – let him handle it.” So I had really been trying since November to do just that. Leave it in Gods’ hands. When I caught myself looking at dating sites again, I just told myself no! you’re NOT doing this.

Well, now this is the weird part.  For like a week straight, I kept seeing this link come up on my email page for ChristianMingle.com. I had never heard of the site, and it wasn’t in my google search I did. I went into it twice, just kinda looking. Then I asked God point blank – “is this what you want me to do?” The silly link kept showing up on my email home page, instead of the ‘Lose 300 lbs in 3 days’ or ‘Let us fix your taxes’ or ‘get all 3 credit scores for free’. So I thought ok, I’ll go look.  I kinda did a general search to see who was out there. Nothing that was really note worthy. But as any good website would do, it tells me, “set up your profile so we can match you better!” I laughed, but I did it.

 

 

Then I forgot about it for like 3 weeks or so. I finally got a hit, a guy from Nevada I think. Oh Boy! Then for some reason I still cannot explain, I paid for a membership. only 3 mos, but still……… Am I a glutton for punishment or what? Then I let it go.

Like 3 days later, I get a hit from this guy in Montrose. Well, Montrose isn’t that far away – not like Utah, or Nevada, or Florida. So I think ok, I’ll check him out.

WOW!! The first picture he had on there was such a strikingly good picture, I was enthralled with it. I couldn’t quit looking at it! I know that sounds funny, but its true! I read his whole profile, front to back. I’ve never done that before. Then I read it again. I would have bet money that this guy wasn’t for real. So much so, I sent him a smile. He smiled back! Then I read his profile again, and there was this little thing on the page asking ‘Do you think you match?” I said yes. I think it was like the next day, I get something from the site that says he said yes too. Ok, now what?  lol

So we started talking in email. He said the sweetest stuff, and complimented me. He said I sounded excited, and that made him smile. I was excited!! There was something about his guy!

His profile name is Painted Star. l cannot explain this either, but I just had a feeling that this name was significant. I still haven’t asked him what thats all about. I want to, I just keep forgetting. But from his first email, I was excited! I was checking my email every day to see if he had answered me. I sent him two more, just to make sure he knew I was interested. LOL

We made one date, a week ago Sunday, and it didn’t quite work out. But then he asked me if he could see me on Tuesday. I said yes. We met for dinner, and I swear to you, it was like I had known this man all my life. It was the weirdest thing.

On first dates or blind dates, there is always pauses, awkward silences, where you don’t know what to do or say. We never had one. All night. When the restaurant was closing down, we stood outside, in the parking lot, next to my car, and talked for another hour! I didn’t want to leave! He didn’t either, I could tell. 

Since then we have had 2 more dates, one of them was at church, and spent hours on the phone.  He is a huge animal lover, particularly horses, he is into anything Native American, as am I. And his spirit guide is a black wolf! Mine is a grey wolf! 

If there is such a thing as a soul mate, and I believe there is….. I believe he may just be mine. Matter of fact, I am sure of it.  ( I can hear you all laffing!) I know that when my kids find this out, they will probably pooh-pooh it, and my brother will give me a world of crap – just like I gave him over Cherie. But this man is amazing!

His name is Rick Hawks, and he is an absolutly wonderful man. I cannot believe that someone so like me is out there. But he is and he is here. In my world. 

In less than a week after meeting him, he has met my family, and tenatively been ‘approved.’ Pepi likes him well enough that she has told me if I would like to invite him over for dinner, feel free. I think I would like to do that. I would like for him to be comfortable around my family. Bob and Pepi certainly are family. 

Now I know what you are all thinking…….. ‘Whoa Mom!  Slow down a bit!’ But what ya’ll don’t understand is, this feels more right than anything else has in years!  Sometimes I think that it’s moving waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too damn fast, and other times I wish it would hurry up and catch up with us. 

I talked to God again tonight, and asked for His guidance. I want to do this His way. Every other relationship I’ve had has not had Him in it, and I want Him in this one. Rick agrees with me.  Boy!  There’s a first for me! I can see what I am certain is comimg, and I think it will be quick and it will shock my family. Hell, it’s gonna shock me. Maybe. But I do not want to rush this, or get caught up in a whirlwind of emotion and reaction, that I cannot control. That WE cannot control. This relationship will be a partnership unlike anything I have ever had or experienced, and I want it to be that way. But I want it to be the way God wants it to be more. I left this in His hands to find him, and I intend to leave it in His hands to keep him as well. 

We have made plans already, for things we would like to do. Things we intend to do. I feel it in my soul that this man is for real. He is not a player like all the others. He is God sent. I beleive that. I am thankful for that. My prayers have been answered. Thank you Lord, for the one you have sent. Thank you for blessing me yet again. Me, your humble unworthy servant. Amen.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Hello again! Yes I am back. Just for a short. So much has happened in my life the last 8 mos, and I have not had full access to my computer, so this will have to be a short update.

Happy Birthday to me! As much as I did not want to celebrate this birthday, it has turned into a wonderful one for me. It is amazing just how special the everyday can become with the love of family and friends. When I think back on this birthday, I will always smile.

I am 51 today. I woke up this morning not wanting to even think about today and what it meant. But the first words I heard this morning were from my dearest friend ever, Pepi, as she says ‘Happy Birthday!’ at 5 am! LOL  Within 2 hours I have had 5 people on my phone wishing me the same thing! Then I go to work, and try to tell myself ‘I can get thru this day if I keep my head down, and become invisible.’ But I work with Pepi, and she is not about to let that happen! She serenades me at my desk! Then one of the guys on the parts counter, Stormy, finds out it is my birthday, and gives me a wonderful birthday kiss!  Thank you Stormy!! Then Pepi tells my boss, Ed, who announces to the whole dealership that today is my birthday, and invites all who care to participate in joining him in wishing me sincere ‘condolences!!’ LOL

But this is not the last of it! Then she sends our service manager, Mark out to get me from the back 40, and almost drag me inside, where we all have a piece of birthday cake, which of course Pepi has made herself! Spice cake – of course! (She knows how I love spice cake!) Then, not to be outdone, Robert, one of our salesmen, cons me into sittin on his lap, (Which I would never turn down as he is very cute!), and the next thing I know, I am butt up in the air, waiting for a spanking! Thankfully, Jeremy was the only one in the warehouse at the time, and didn’t want to “beat on anything that old – I couldn’t handle all the dust!”  

While all this is going on, I have received a total of 83 text messages from family and friends today all with birthday wishes! OMG!! I didn’t know that many people knew me!

Then when I get home, to my utter shock and pleasure, there is a box waiting for me, with wonderful little notes all over it, from a wonderful loving daughter, and her family. Inside this box is one of the most priceless gifts I have recieved in a good number of years… it is simply a photo album…. but what is inside this photo album is so wonderful!  Pictures of all of us as a family over the last two years. All the things that have affected all our lives in one way or another. These are more precious to me than any other gift I can think of. It was amazing. It was like having them all here with me!

Then Pepi made me burritos for dinner! YUM!!!

Thank you Heather, and Pepi, ShawnDe, Mike, Ed, Bud, Yvette, Diane, everyone at work…. this has truly been the best birthday! A wonderful memory! From a wonderful family and the best of friends. I am touched. More than I can say!

And thank you to everyone who donated pictures to Heathers little project! It is a priceless treasure to me!

I want

I want…
To feel loved and needed
By a special man
One I choose to love
One who chooses me

I want…
To have him look in my eyes
See what he wants
And not back away
Afraid of himself

I want…
This special man to see in me
What he’s missed in all the others
and be happy
That he’s found it

I want…
To NOT hear “Lets just be friends”
After I’ve jumped off the edge
With both feet
For him

I want…
To look in his eyes and see
That he cares for me
That he won’t run
Away from me

I want…
Too much from life, or love
I ask too little or too much
Either way, I get nothing
Not what I want…

Step 2 in moving on….

Well, Good Morning!   Yes, I am back.

As I knew I would, I have gotten over my perverbial mountain, and am on the next leg of my journey. There have been a few pit falls along the way, but there always are. I am still here, so the Lord must feel I am strong enuf to continue. At any rate, I am still here.

If someone had told me 4mos ago, what and where I would be at this point, I would have thought them insane. It has been good for me however, with the ony real losses being my Dad, and my friend Rebecca from the Springs. Neither of which I have any control over.

The thing with Rebecca I do not understand at all. It really hurts. I know she was much younger than I, but I was so sure that we would NOT stop being friends just because I had to move away. Yes, I understand that sometimes you lose friends when you leave, and I have lost a few because of distance, but I seriously thought she would not be one of those. 

One of her ’friends,’ Michelle, left a couple comments on my MySpace page, and when I opened them up, I thought to myself, ‘Michelle will understand and tell me whats going on with her, let me know how she is.’ Thats what I get for thinking. I emailed her, and got back a snippy little answer that made it sound like I was intruding on Becca’s life, and was no longer welcome in it. She even said I ‘knew’ why she hadn’t answered me and that I should just leave it alone. l should have known better than to say anything to her at all. Even Becca has had real issues with this girl. She seems to think she is Becca’s ‘best friend,’ and if she only knew! LOL  Anyway, I answered her and told her how I felt about her attitude, and then shut her off from my MySpace. I always thought she was weird anyway. 

But the problem remains. I really miss Becca, and even tho Michelle seems to think I should ‘know’ why she refuses to answer me, I don’t understand it. I realize that she is a new mom, and Kynleigh is less than 2 months old and that she is busy planning her wedding. It still is no reason to completely ignore me. I have called her, left her messages, texted her, emailed her. All with no reponse from her at all. Matt answered me, but she wont. So, I guess, if I am not right down the street from her, as before, she doesn’t want me to be her friend. That sucks, cuz I love Becca, and Matt, and I wanted to still be friends with them, and be a part of their life. I was so looking forward to their daughter coming, and I regretted that my move from the springs came at the same time that she arrived, but it was unavoidable. I just can’t believe that she has completely cut me out of her life like this. Man this hurts. I so thought we were better friends than this.

Ya know tho, right after Alan pulled his stupid shit with me, I kept telling her I didn’t want to cause her any problems, with the baby, or with the wedding, where he was concerned. I asked her several times, if she still wanted me to come to the wedding, and if she still wanted me to be involved with her and the baby – yada yada yada – and everytime she was like - stop worrying, he wont have anything to do with her, and I would rather have you at the wedding than him. Everything I had expected her to say, really, but now when push comes to shove – it’s all changing. I guess maybe I should have expected it. He will be/has been ‘family’ to her, and I was just a friend. Even if she doesn’t like him at all, he is still Matts’ dad, and she has to deal with him, so maybe this has more to do with all that crap than I think. Who knows? And maybe it doesn’t, maybe Michelle wasn’t being mean and nasty to me, and was just telling me the truth when she said ’she doesn’t want to talk to you,’ and I just don’t want to hear that, cuz it hurts my feelings. I don’t know. All I know is I miss her terribly, and I want to talk to her, but she won’t answer when I call her, so I guess, I will just have to wait and see if she does call me or not.  Her wedding is 08-08-08.   They picked that date on purpose, and it is kinda hard to forget. So, I have already sent her my new address, and she has my phone number, and my email, so we shall see if I hear from her for the wedding. Any bets? 

At any rate, I have sortof settled into my brothers house here in Grand Junction. I love my new job. It’s so cool to be back in the dealership end of things. I love this kinda work. My boss, Ed, is funny. I really like him and all the guys I work with. I told him that I was a worker, and that he would not be unhappy with me if he hired me, and he is finding out that I was not kidding. He keeps telling me I have to pace myself. I keep telling him, this is my normal pace…..! It has been miserably hot these last two weeks, but I have enjoyed the first two weeks of work immensely. I still have a little problem seeing myself as a “Parts Warehouse Manager!”  I do what needs to be done, I am learning a ton of stuff. Brandon has taught me a boatload of stuff, and continues to do so. He is helping me to re-arrange the warehouse, and we are starting to get the place ready for inventory in November, and it may well take us that long to get it ready! LOL  It is a wreck!! (Job Security!!)

My ”investment program” has just really taken off well too!!  I now have 7 people under me, and it is just going amazingly well! I will max out in February, and when that happens, I will open my second account, and start earning over $40K a month. February will have me earning over $20K a month. This program is amazing! I have already earned almost $2K, from $228 invested! No where else I know of could this work. I have looked and looked, and this is the only thing I have ever found on the net that actually works!! Oh man, does it work!

Mike n Ed n I, (2 of my brothers), will all retire next year. Much as I do like my new job, there will be no need for me to keep it beyond next spring. I may keep it for a while after, I do not know yet. I suppose it will depend on how I feel at the time. Heck, this year alone I will make around $20K just in referrals, and that in only 5 months!! This is better than any job or program I have ever found in all my years of searching. Thanks Barb huni!!

My next referral is my daughter, ShawnDe. She so much wants to stay home with her kids, and I want her to, as well. Something I could never do for very long, so I am setting her up into it. Then there is my friend in Arkansas, Joyce. I will set her up at the end of this month. She needs it worse than anyone I know…..  poor thing. I will take care of her too.  Then I will start on my other siblings.

My son and his wife want to see proof of what it can do, so I have to wait to put them into it, and I will.  I even offered it to the kids’ dad, but he thinks it is just another hair-brained scheme of mine! I want to offer it to Heather and Eric, but they all told me that they wont invest in it, or be interested in it. I also don’t want to be pushy with them, because they are very tight-lipped about their financial situation. There is nothing wrong with that, mind you. I just don’t quite know how to approach them about it. So, in my mind, I have decided to wait til Christmas, and then I will print out everything and show it to them then, so they will see that I am not just some crazy old lady looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow…. I actually tackled that little Leprechaun and have both hands on the pot!!  LOL

I have many plans. I have been looking at some areas up here for a home. I think I really like Fruita and they still have alot of land available out there, and some amazing home sites! I want several acres for horses. Fruita has a lot of custom homes out there too, so I am going to start checking out builders, so that by the end of next summer, I can start this project. I don’t know if I will buy one that is already done, or have one built. It will depend on what I find already done. I have very specific ideas of what I want, and since I have never had the opportunity to own a home before in my life, I WILL have what I want when I buy next year. The best part is that I will be able to afford what ever it is I want, and furnish it too!! 

Life is looking up! 4 months ago I would not have said this, nor did I feel it. Now it is so awesome! I am very happy!

My son-in-law, Kevin has a job interview on the 21st for a job here, and the 3rd interview is on the 23rd. ( He already did interview #1) I have no doubt that he will get it! He is so perfect for the position. Then I will have at least one of my kids here, and maybe the rest will follow. I kinda doubt that Heather and Eric and their girls will move up here as Eric will not move his business nor leave it. I understand that. But I do hope they will visit often. It is my plan to purchase a home large enough that when they do come to visit, I will be able to put them all up comfortably, and avoid them having to go to motel/hotel. I want to be able to accomodate my family!

Well, I guess it’s time to get up and start moving around. It is after 7am! LOL  I just checked on my P2P and payouts have started up again so I am very happy!  Thank you St. Nick!!  We love ya.

 

Good bye Daddy….

This last week has been a week of tears and laughter, meetings, and travel. My father passed away on June 22, after a ‘minor’ eye surgery and it shook my family hard.

His name was/is Earnest Leon Yohn, and he was 76 years old. Unfortunately, I only knew him as an adult. I found him when I was 36, and that is a story in itself. 

He and my mother split up when I was just a baby. Less than a year old, from what I can tell. My brother Mike is 14 mos younger than I, and I was told they were not together when he was born. I think that is true as I was born in Chicago, but he was born in Denver. I have no early memories of him. 

When I was 36, my life was in turmoil, as my marriage was disolving and I was looking for family, someone to whom I could belong and feel loved by. I had known since I was a kid that I had an older brother and sister, and I had never met them, so I went on a hunt. I sat down one night and started calling information in Oklahoma, because that was the only place I knew to start. I had been told that Daddy was born in Enid, OK., and so I hoped to find my brother there. I had no idea what my sisters name would be then, so naturally I started with Richard Leon Yohn. I had an atlas on the table and I started with Enid, and worked my way across the state of Oklahoma, hitting every major or half major city asking the operators for my brother.  Finally, the Tulsa operator found a R.L. Yohn in Miami, Ok. She gave me the number, and I called it. I got an answering machine. So I left a message something like this;

Hi. My name is Kristine Stearns,, and I am looking for a Richard Leon Yohn. If you are he, then I would like to talk to you. My dads’ name was Earnest Leon Yohn, and you would be my brother. If your dads’ name was not Ernie Yohn, then you would not be the man I am looking for and I am sorry to have bothered you. my number is ……  

Then I waited. and waited. and waited some more…  FINALLY…. my phone rang, and this man on the other end says “Kristine?” and I say “yes?” and he says “This is Richard, your brother.”

I cried. All we could do is talk. Oh my, we talked for about 2 1/2 hours that night. I found out that I had another brother, Terry, and another sister, Lori. I found out that my dad was still alive! I had not thought he would be. I had that stuck in my head, that he was gone, that like my Mom, he was lost to me. I was wrong. I had family!!

In the next year, I got to meet my dad, and both Linda Rose, my oldest sister, and Rick, my oldest brother. I was so happy. My sisters and Terry both live in Oregon, and Rick lives in Oklahoma, so we have not over the years been able to see each other alot, and in fact, Terry and Lori I had never met. Until this last week. I had inadvertently lost contact with Rick and Linda, and for the last few years only had contact with Dad. He wouldnt give me info to contact my other siblings. Dont know why.

Then this last weekend, Mike gets a call from a lady in Arkansas saying daddy had gone in for minor eye surgery and had a stroke after it was done. He was in a coma and not expected to live. We panicked!

We got ahold of Rick, via the Miami police dept., and had him contact Mike, who in turn got us all in contact with each other. Rick took off to Arkansas. By the time he got there, daddy was gone. They left him in that state without contacting anyone, or giving info to his friends there – because they weren’t family – for 4 days!! I was so angry!! But by then, we could do nothing. Rick took him off life support on Sunday the 22nd, and he was gone.

We left for Arkansas on monday the 23rd, and had quite the week! The funeral was in Miami, but we went to Leslie and Marshall Ar. to meet his friends, and see his home. We wanted to know where our dad lived and who he associated with. For some reason they wanted to meet us too, so it was really cool. The people he hung out with were awesome people and he made many good friends, people who really cared about him. They all had nothing but good things to say about him. It was very hard, but it was also very healing too. I am very happy that we went.

Then we left Arkansas to go to my brother Ricks house in Oklahoma. It was so good to see him again! I have not seen him since ‘95 or ‘96. it had been way too long. We also got to meet Terry and Lori. That was a trip! Terry looks so much like Mike and Dad, and Lori and I look quite a bit alike, but they all agreed that Linda and I look almost like twins. Linda was unable to make it down, but she was there in our hearts. We spent alot of time together on Thursday, and again on Friday. We are all so  much alike, it is scary!! We had so much fun, even tho the reason we were all together wasnt fun. Even my Aunt Gloria, daddys sister, carries such a strong resemblance to dad that I now know what I will look like in my mid 60’s. Daddy wouldn’t have wanted us to do a bunch of crying over him, altho we did, but we had a lot of laughs as well. It was a meeting that was far too over due, and one that was welcomed by all. 

 It was hard to leave and it made me sad to do so, but we all have lives to get back to. We all exchanged information so we can stay in touch, and we have tentatively planned to hold family reunions every year. I have always wanted to do that but didn’t think I had enough family to have one. Now I do. My life has changed quite a bit in the last week. I lost my father, and tho I only had him for 13 years, I feel  blessed and very happy to have known him at all. Had I not felt lost and alone and gone looking for family, I might not have ever known him, or my brothers and sisters that I now have. Not too many people lose a family member and gain 5 more at the same time.  I am sad and happy at the same time.

Daddy, if you are looking, know we all loved you. You always wanted us all together and you finally got your wish. I only wish you had been there to see it. Then again, I’m thinking maybe you were….?

Vacation…..

Well, Grand Junction was awesome as always! I miss being there.  I miss my family there. Mostly I miss the lifestyle there, its so calming, relaxing, unhurried. I didn’t want to come back to the front range. It’s way to fast here, and I don’t need or want fast anymore. Jobs are there. Got offered one that I could have started today, if I had wanted to stay. Almost did. My kids are looking for employment over there, and God willing, I will be back on the Western Slope before this time next year. I’d forgotten how much I missed it, and how much I loved it.

When my stuff matures in January/February, I think I might be going back there. Why not? I love it there, and it loves me. I could live out the rest of my life there, as long as one of my kids was there. I don’t want to be that far away from any of them again, but I know they wont all move there either.    I could only wish.

Well, onto the unpacking. My stuff is done, now it’s all the rest that we have to do.

 

Step one in moving on….

Hello again. Well, I have moved “home.” Back to Denver. I am living with my daughter and her family temporairily.  It’s not ideal, but it will work, because I will make it work. I love all my kids, and even if I don’t like it too much, they are all of a mind that this is where I belong, and they are all willing to help me get back on my feet, at least financially, if not emotionally and spiritually. I guess those two things I will have to do myself, with the Lords help.

I had to get rid of  few things in the process. It’s only stuff, and I know this, but still – it was my stuff! Just hard to let go of what you work so hard for I guess. But, as my son- in-law was so quick to point out, When I get ready to move again, I will have the funds to replace it all, and I will.

I have things in the works as I type and in 6 mos I won’t even need a J-O-B! Thanks to Barbara! My buddy – my gal-pal – my mentor!! I am so happy I got laid off at Atmel, cuz otherwise I would never have met her, and I would not be on the road to independent wealth as I am! And neither would my family and other close friends.

So things ARE looking up for me. This will be a kick ass Christmas, the first one I’ve been able to buy in like 5 years! By November, the edge will be off, and by the first of the year, whatever job I have I will probably quit, because I wont need it anymore. It’s just getting to that point. I have 5 mos to struggle thru. I will make it, I know I will. If I have to do something stupid like clean houses again for money I will. All I have to do is get thru 5 flippin months.

At any rate, things are going, just slowly. We are getting ready to go to Grand Junction for my best friends’ daughter, Jennifers’, wedding.  I am looking forward to it as I haven’t been back to Junction in like 5 years. I miss it. I miss them. Thats where I shoulda probably stayed. I would have avoided so much heartache, and disappointment. But I also would have missed some truly good friends as well. Diane, George, Rebecca, Yvette, Bill, Jim, several others as well. So I guess everything happens for a reason, but to tell you the thruth, some of these things I could definetly have done without since I know it was more about their lessons than my own. Some men just never fricken grow up – and he is one!!

My daughter has set it up for me to meet new men, and I have met 3 of them so far. Very nice guys, all of them, but maybe its just too soon for me. I don’t know. I have enjoyed their company, but I think I am just not ready to get attached to someone else yet. I need to take care of me first, and if it happens fine and if it doesn’t, it’s ok too. I am just not so worried about it at this point I guess. I am more interested in getting myself out of debt and getting caught up, and setting myself back up with my own life again.  I have plans, I have goals, and right now these are more important to me. 

My investment portfolio is taking off, and I am learning more and more about how to do what I want to do for myself and my family, but most especially, my brothers and my dad. I just found out my dad has to have another eye surgery, and that worries me. He’s 77, and that isn’t easy for someone his age. Also, I know he has little to no income, and I aim to fix that for him. 

Then I work on my kids. All of them!   Along the way, I hook up my friends as I go, and watch us all retire early, or if not early, at least in style! I have a few friends who are approaching or at retirement age, but most of us have a few years to go, and my brothers and I have at leat 15 or so, and I don’t really want any of us to be door greeters at Wally-Hell, or working fast food joints to suppliment our SSI.  If we even have the SSI by that time, which I totally am not counting on! 

Bud wants to start his own business, and he cant get his dad or his uncles to back him, so I will! Heather and Eric have their own business going, and I aim to do something for them. I have no idea what, because I have never been in a position to even inquire about what they need until now, but I will find something! ShawnDe and Kevin? I don’t know what they might want or need, but for what they are doing for me for the next year or so, they can ask anything of me that they want and it will be theirs.  Nothing or no one is as important as my family is and my children deserve the very best. (I know, everyone thinks this) I didn’t exactly give them the best as they were growing up, and now that I have found a way to leave them better off than I ever did before, or ever dreamed of being able to do, I am gonna take advantage of it all the way. College education for their children? That has always been a dream of mine! I just never told anyone, cuz I didn’t know how to accomplish it. Now I do.  Thank you Lord, and St. Nick! In 6 mos, it will be Christmas in my life every month. for the rest of my life! He he he. I can’t wait!

Ok, I’ll go for now, and I’ll add to this after I get back from Juntion.

Broken Hearts

 

I know that someday this will go away. I have been here too many times NOT to know that. I just hate the process. Tonight I cannot sleep. He plagues me. My mind is like a video that I cannot turn off, and it constantly runs; to things I had forgotten about, wanted to forget about, tried to forget about. I try to submerse myself in work or my writing, my packing, anything to take my mind off him, and still, he sneaks in. Just enough to pluck at my heart strings, just enough to make them sing in agony!

 

Broken hearts

 

It’s when you love someone

And they won’t love you back

And when you know they do

It’s their own trust they lack

 

You give them all you have to give

And still they walk away

You reach out to show them more

But they’re not here today.

 

Your heart breaks – it cries out

Don’t leave me here alone

Yet still they turn their back on you

As if you were made of stone.

 

There are no words to tell you

How a broken heart will feel

I only hope you never know

The long time it takes to heal.

 

I do not think that mine can be

Ever healthy or whole again

It’s been broken so many times this life

All it’s even known is pain.

 

I’ll pick up all the pieces

And safely tuck them all away

I’ll put them on a shelf somewhere

To be mended another day.

 

I’ll hold that love inside of me

For it’s all that I have left

Just memories and pictures

And a heart that is bereft

 

The end of month one….

Well, here we go. Month 1 of being single with no one again.  God I hate my life. My unemployment is running out, I have two checks left then I am done.  I still have no job, and no good prospects either. How low have I sunk? My daughter actually got me signed up on two different dating websites, but since I have no money, I cant even talk to the guys. But even that is depressing. The first 3 men I match with almost ‘perfectly’ do not wish to meet me, talk to me, matter of fact they send me ‘No thanks, Not interested’ little messages. What does that tell you?

 

I spent the last several days at my daughters house, recovering from eye surgery. I had a cataract removed from my left eye.  The whole time I was there, I was pretty good, actually. As soon as I left there this morning, I got depressed, my stomach knotted up, and all I could do was imagine all the possibilities of running into him again.  What I would say, what he might say, how I would be strong, then break down. I imagined him at Matt and Rebecca’s wedding, running into him at wal-mart. It’s almost like once my mind takes off I can’t stop it. It just runs on it’s own. It was all I could do not to cry when I saw one of Walt’s trucks this afternoon. It was all I could do not to turn halfway around in my seat to look and see if it was him driving it.  I am going crazy.

There is this overwhelming feeling of sadness surrounding me. I feel like that was my last chance, and I blew it somehow. My chest is heavy, and I have no energy at all. All I want to do is sit here and look at his picture, and cry.

I have, in the last week, sent out 36 apps to Colorado Springs employers on craigslist and backpage.com.  I have also sent out over 150 to Denver employers, with about the same response. I actually had one lady call me back on an A/R-A/P position I applied for in Denver, and was informed that according to her employer, I and my skills are too old and out of date. I am not kidding, that is EXACTLY what she said.  I do know she looked at my resume however, because she asked me if I could ‘solder’ because she had a soldering position open.  Where on my resume would anyone see soldiering??

I told my landlord today that I had decided this last weekend to move back to Denver because I can’t seem to find a job and at least there I won’t be out on the street. I will however be living with my daughter and her family. Now mind you, I love my daughter and her family more than I can say. But I have lived alone for 6 yrs, and they have put up with me on occasion, sometimes for several days at a time. They are certain they want me to move in with them. I on the other hand, am not so certain they will feel this way after a few months. ShawnDe says she wants me to stay until their lease runs out to get back on my feet, caught up on my bills, etc. That will be next spring. I am so afraid that they will be so sick of me by then that I will ruin the relationship I have with them and they will be pushing me out the door. It is not easy to live with someone who is not your immediate family. When you are an adult, your mother is NOT your immediate family. How low have I stooped that I must depend on the good will and graciousness of my daughter and her family to keep from being on the streets?  

 

I can’t find a job, I can’t hold on to a man, I’m gonna lose my car, I am losing my apartment, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. My children can’t possibly respect me anymore, what’s to respect? I cant hold my own head up in public. Every good looking man I could possibly be interested in isn’t interested in me, not even the one I love, and who I am certain loves me.  Matter of fact, he’s scared to death of me so badly that he has to pretend he doesn’t like me now nor did he ever. Whatever.

 

I hurt so badly inside, and even this isn’t helping like it usually does. What in the world is wrong with me? Dale tells me that 95% of people withhold something of themselves when in a relationship. Maybe out of fear of rejection, because of past hurts, just because they want to and can.  According to him, and he would know, only about 5% of people in the world actually give unselfishly of themselves when in a relationship. He says I am one of the 5%, and that’s why I tend to be hurt more than other people and take it harder than most do. I thought everyone did it the same way. What other way is there? I don’t know of another way. I wish I did. I fall in love, I do it with everything I have, and that’s that. I thought that was the way you were supposed to do it. Well, it’s how I do it anyway.  For all the good it’s ever done me.

I am a failure, in my life, in my children’s eyes, in my love life. I have failed. I hate me.

 

Time for me to move on…

Well, as I knew it would, time has come for me to move on. No matter what I do or how I do it, the men who mean the most to me in my life, who aren’t related to me, manage to find a way to break my heart and make me feel like crap. Once again, it has happened.

I don’t understand it. He told me, point blank, on the phone, because he can’t say these things to my face, that I shouldn’t beat myself up over this, because I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, he’s right! I didn’t do anything wrong! This is all on him, plain and simple. I repeat, however, I still do not understand it.

He got too close. I scared the crap outta him, because he started feeling things for me that he didn’t want to and all of a sudden he was terrified. He told me that too. Not quite so nicely, but nonetheless. He blamed me for him feeling these things, and repeatedly told me he didn’t want do to that. Not my fault. I’m not in control of you or your feelings. I can only control me and my feelings. My bad was, as all of you who read my stuff know, I did fall in love with him. I wish I hadn’t. I really didn’t want to, but that’s something that I think we never have any control over. It happens because it is meant to happen. 

So, because he is scared of being hurt again, and because he is far too macho to express this and deal with it, he is no longer in my life. His choice.  I can only say – his loss too!  See, I know me, and I know what kind of a person I am. I know what he will be missing, and to be honest, I know he already is missing it, because he is being really mean to me over everything. I know what it means to me to love someone with everything that I have. I did this for him, without asking him for anything in return. Maybe that’s my problem, I didn’t ask for anything, I didn’t expect anything. I simply loved him.

I know that I will eventually get over it. I always do. That doesn’t make it any easier for me. I don’t want to get over it. I want – more than anything in the world – to find someone who will love me the way I love them. The way I want to love someone. With everything I have in me, someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated – like a queen – and allow me to be who I am and still love me. Someone who will allow me to love him – and treat him like a king, the way I want to treat a man. He has to be one who deserves it though. Man oh man, are they rare.

At my age – I’m thinking my chances are not good.   Sucks to be me.

So I have one more little poetry bit to add to this last post for him;

 

 

Pain on Paper

 

My fingers start to wrinkle

From the wiping of my tears

They fall down on this paper

And the ink begins to smear

 

I just continue writing

I have to get this down

My thoughts all seem to haunt me

And they make me hold this frown

 

So I write of all my heartache

My losses and their stains

My recent love and memories

The breakup and its pains

 

I write the lack of effort

That you used to steal my heart

You used that same exact amount

To rip it all apart

 

I write of how you hurt me

And how you could’ve hurt me worse

I write of how I tried so hard

But conjured up a curse

 

I write of how I pleaded

I was lost without your trust

But I guess your feelings for me

In time have gathered dust

 

I want to write of how I feel

And tell you what’s in my heart

I want to show you that I care

But you’ll tear me all apart

 

Go off and do what you mean to do

And leave me here alone

I fear you will not miss me

My love will die all on its own

 

Maybe one day, when your anger fades

And time turns down your thoughts

You’ll remember how you loved me

And want back what you have lost?

 

I write of just how hard its been

To say my last goodbye

And then I finally end my words

But still – I wonder why?