Good bye Daddy….

This last week has been a week of tears and laughter, meetings, and travel. My father passed away on June 22, after a ‘minor’ eye surgery and it shook my family hard.

His name was/is Earnest Leon Yohn, and he was 76 years old. Unfortunately, I only knew him as an adult. I found him when I was 36, and that is a story in itself. 

He and my mother split up when I was just a baby. Less than a year old, from what I can tell. My brother Mike is 14 mos younger than I, and I was told they were not together when he was born. I think that is true as I was born in Chicago, but he was born in Denver. I have no early memories of him. 

When I was 36, my life was in turmoil, as my marriage was disolving and I was looking for family, someone to whom I could belong and feel loved by. I had known since I was a kid that I had an older brother and sister, and I had never met them, so I went on a hunt. I sat down one night and started calling information in Oklahoma, because that was the only place I knew to start. I had been told that Daddy was born in Enid, OK., and so I hoped to find my brother there. I had no idea what my sisters name would be then, so naturally I started with Richard Leon Yohn. I had an atlas on the table and I started with Enid, and worked my way across the state of Oklahoma, hitting every major or half major city asking the operators for my brother.  Finally, the Tulsa operator found a R.L. Yohn in Miami, Ok. She gave me the number, and I called it. I got an answering machine. So I left a message something like this;

Hi. My name is Kristine Stearns,, and I am looking for a Richard Leon Yohn. If you are he, then I would like to talk to you. My dads’ name was Earnest Leon Yohn, and you would be my brother. If your dads’ name was not Ernie Yohn, then you would not be the man I am looking for and I am sorry to have bothered you. my number is ……  

Then I waited. and waited. and waited some more…  FINALLY…. my phone rang, and this man on the other end says “Kristine?” and I say “yes?” and he says “This is Richard, your brother.”

I cried. All we could do is talk. Oh my, we talked for about 2 1/2 hours that night. I found out that I had another brother, Terry, and another sister, Lori. I found out that my dad was still alive! I had not thought he would be. I had that stuck in my head, that he was gone, that like my Mom, he was lost to me. I was wrong. I had family!!

In the next year, I got to meet my dad, and both Linda Rose, my oldest sister, and Rick, my oldest brother. I was so happy. My sisters and Terry both live in Oregon, and Rick lives in Oklahoma, so we have not over the years been able to see each other alot, and in fact, Terry and Lori I had never met. Until this last week. I had inadvertently lost contact with Rick and Linda, and for the last few years only had contact with Dad. He wouldnt give me info to contact my other siblings. Dont know why.

Then this last weekend, Mike gets a call from a lady in Arkansas saying daddy had gone in for minor eye surgery and had a stroke after it was done. He was in a coma and not expected to live. We panicked!

We got ahold of Rick, via the Miami police dept., and had him contact Mike, who in turn got us all in contact with each other. Rick took off to Arkansas. By the time he got there, daddy was gone. They left him in that state without contacting anyone, or giving info to his friends there - because they weren’t family - for 4 days!! I was so angry!! But by then, we could do nothing. Rick took him off life support on Sunday the 22nd, and he was gone.

We left for Arkansas on monday the 23rd, and had quite the week! The funeral was in Miami, but we went to Leslie and Marshall Ar. to meet his friends, and see his home. We wanted to know where our dad lived and who he associated with. For some reason they wanted to meet us too, so it was really cool. The people he hung out with were awesome people and he made many good friends, people who really cared about him. They all had nothing but good things to say about him. It was very hard, but it was also very healing too. I am very happy that we went.

Then we left Arkansas to go to my brother Ricks house in Oklahoma. It was so good to see him again! I have not seen him since ‘95 or ‘96. it had been way too long. We also got to meet Terry and Lori. That was a trip! Terry looks so much like Mike and Dad, and Lori and I look quite a bit alike, but they all agreed that Linda and I look almost like twins. Linda was unable to make it down, but she was there in our hearts. We spent alot of time together on Thursday, and again on Friday. We are all so  much alike, it is scary!! We had so much fun, even tho the reason we were all together wasnt fun. Even my Aunt Gloria, daddys sister, carries such a strong resemblance to dad that I now know what I will look like in my mid 60’s. Daddy wouldn’t have wanted us to do a bunch of crying over him, altho we did, but we had a lot of laughs as well. It was a meeting that was far too over due, and one that was welcomed by all. 

 It was hard to leave and it made me sad to do so, but we all have lives to get back to. We all exchanged information so we can stay in touch, and we have tentatively planned to hold family reunions every year. I have always wanted to do that but didn’t think I had enough family to have one. Now I do. My life has changed quite a bit in the last week. I lost my father, and tho I only had him for 13 years, I feel  blessed and very happy to have known him at all. Had I not felt lost and alone and gone looking for family, I might not have ever known him, or my brothers and sisters that I now have. Not too many people lose a family member and gain 5 more at the same time.  I am sad and happy at the same time.

Daddy, if you are looking, know we all loved you. You always wanted us all together and you finally got your wish. I only wish you had been there to see it. Then again, I’m thinking maybe you were….?

Vacation…..

Well, Grand Junction was awesome as always! I miss being there.  I miss my family there. Mostly I miss the lifestyle there, its so calming, relaxing, unhurried. I didn’t want to come back to the front range. It’s way to fast here, and I don’t need or want fast anymore. Jobs are there. Got offered one that I could have started today, if I had wanted to stay. Almost did. My kids are looking for employment over there, and God willing, I will be back on the Western Slope before this time next year. I’d forgotten how much I missed it, and how much I loved it.

When my stuff matures in January/February, I think I might be going back there. Why not? I love it there, and it loves me. I could live out the rest of my life there, as long as one of my kids was there. I don’t want to be that far away from any of them again, but I know they wont all move there either.  :(  I could only wish.

Well, onto the unpacking. My stuff is done, now it’s all the rest that we have to do.

 

Step one in moving on….

Hello again. Well, I have moved “home.” Back to Denver. I am living with my daughter and her family temporairily.  It’s not ideal, but it will work, because I will make it work. I love all my kids, and even if I don’t like it too much, they are all of a mind that this is where I belong, and they are all willing to help me get back on my feet, at least financially, if not emotionally and spiritually. I guess those two things I will have to do myself, with the Lords help.

I had to get rid of  few things in the process. It’s only stuff, and I know this, but still - it was my stuff! Just hard to let go of what you work so hard for I guess. But, as my son- in-law was so quick to point out, When I get ready to move again, I will have the funds to replace it all, and I will.

I have things in the works as I type and in 6 mos I won’t even need a J-O-B! Thanks to Barbara! My buddy - my gal-pal - my mentor!! I am so happy I got laid off at Atmel, cuz otherwise I would never have met her, and I would not be on the road to independent wealth as I am! And neither would my family and other close friends.

So things ARE looking up for me. This will be a kick ass Christmas, the first one I’ve been able to buy in like 5 years! By November, the edge will be off, and by the first of the year, whatever job I have I will probably quit, because I wont need it anymore. It’s just getting to that point. I have 5 mos to struggle thru. I will make it, I know I will. If I have to do something stupid like clean houses again for money I will. All I have to do is get thru 5 flippin months.

At any rate, things are going, just slowly. We are getting ready to go to Grand Junction for my best friends’ daughter, Jennifers’, wedding.  I am looking forward to it as I haven’t been back to Junction in like 5 years. I miss it. I miss them. Thats where I shoulda probably stayed. I would have avoided so much heartache, and disappointment. But I also would have missed some truly good friends as well. Diane, George, Rebecca, Yvette, Bill, Jim, several others as well. So I guess everything happens for a reason, but to tell you the thruth, some of these things I could definetly have done without since I know it was more about their lessons than my own. Some men just never fricken grow up - and he is one!!

My daughter has set it up for me to meet new men, and I have met 3 of them so far. Very nice guys, all of them, but maybe its just too soon for me. I don’t know. I have enjoyed their company, but I think I am just not ready to get attached to someone else yet. I need to take care of me first, and if it happens fine and if it doesn’t, it’s ok too. I am just not so worried about it at this point I guess. I am more interested in getting myself out of debt and getting caught up, and setting myself back up with my own life again.  I have plans, I have goals, and right now these are more important to me. 

My investment portfolio is taking off, and I am learning more and more about how to do what I want to do for myself and my family, but most especially, my brothers and my dad. I just found out my dad has to have another eye surgery, and that worries me. He’s 77, and that isn’t easy for someone his age. Also, I know he has little to no income, and I aim to fix that for him. 

Then I work on my kids. All of them! :)  Along the way, I hook up my friends as I go, and watch us all retire early, or if not early, at least in style! I have a few friends who are approaching or at retirement age, but most of us have a few years to go, and my brothers and I have at leat 15 or so, and I don’t really want any of us to be door greeters at Wally-Hell, or working fast food joints to suppliment our SSI.  If we even have the SSI by that time, which I totally am not counting on! 

Bud wants to start his own business, and he cant get his dad or his uncles to back him, so I will! Heather and Eric have their own business going, and I aim to do something for them. I have no idea what, because I have never been in a position to even inquire about what they need until now, but I will find something! ShawnDe and Kevin? I don’t know what they might want or need, but for what they are doing for me for the next year or so, they can ask anything of me that they want and it will be theirs.  Nothing or no one is as important as my family is and my children deserve the very best. (I know, everyone thinks this) I didn’t exactly give them the best as they were growing up, and now that I have found a way to leave them better off than I ever did before, or ever dreamed of being able to do, I am gonna take advantage of it all the way. College education for their children? That has always been a dream of mine! I just never told anyone, cuz I didn’t know how to accomplish it. Now I do.  :)Thank you Lord, and St. Nick! In 6 mos, it will be Christmas in my life every month. for the rest of my life! He he he. I can’t wait!

Ok, I’ll go for now, and I’ll add to this after I get back from Juntion.

Broken Hearts

 

I know that someday this will go away. I have been here too many times NOT to know that. I just hate the process. Tonight I cannot sleep. He plagues me. My mind is like a video that I cannot turn off, and it constantly runs; to things I had forgotten about, wanted to forget about, tried to forget about. I try to submerse myself in work or my writing, my packing, anything to take my mind off him, and still, he sneaks in. Just enough to pluck at my heart strings, just enough to make them sing in agony!

 

Broken hearts

 

It’s when you love someone

And they won’t love you back

And when you know they do

It’s their own trust they lack

 

You give them all you have to give

And still they walk away

You reach out to show them more

But they’re not here today.

 

Your heart breaks – it cries out

Don’t leave me here alone

Yet still they turn their back on you

As if you were made of stone.

 

There are no words to tell you

How a broken heart will feel

I only hope you never know

The long time it takes to heal.

 

I do not think that mine can be

Ever healthy or whole again

It’s been broken so many times this life

All it’s even known is pain.

 

I’ll pick up all the pieces

And safely tuck them all away

I’ll put them on a shelf somewhere

To be mended another day.

 

I’ll hold that love inside of me

For it’s all that I have left

Just memories and pictures

And a heart that is bereft

 

The end of month one….

Well, here we go. Month 1 of being single with no one again.  God I hate my life. My unemployment is running out, I have two checks left then I am done.  I still have no job, and no good prospects either. How low have I sunk? My daughter actually got me signed up on two different dating websites, but since I have no money, I cant even talk to the guys. But even that is depressing. The first 3 men I match with almost ‘perfectly’ do not wish to meet me, talk to me, matter of fact they send me ‘No thanks, Not interested’ little messages. What does that tell you?

 

I spent the last several days at my daughters house, recovering from eye surgery. I had a cataract removed from my left eye.  The whole time I was there, I was pretty good, actually. As soon as I left there this morning, I got depressed, my stomach knotted up, and all I could do was imagine all the possibilities of running into him again.  What I would say, what he might say, how I would be strong, then break down. I imagined him at Matt and Rebecca’s wedding, running into him at wal-mart. It’s almost like once my mind takes off I can’t stop it. It just runs on it’s own. It was all I could do not to cry when I saw one of Walt’s trucks this afternoon. It was all I could do not to turn halfway around in my seat to look and see if it was him driving it.  I am going crazy.

There is this overwhelming feeling of sadness surrounding me. I feel like that was my last chance, and I blew it somehow. My chest is heavy, and I have no energy at all. All I want to do is sit here and look at his picture, and cry.

I have, in the last week, sent out 36 apps to Colorado Springs employers on craigslist and backpage.com.  I have also sent out over 150 to Denver employers, with about the same response. I actually had one lady call me back on an A/R-A/P position I applied for in Denver, and was informed that according to her employer, I and my skills are too old and out of date. I am not kidding, that is EXACTLY what she said.  I do know she looked at my resume however, because she asked me if I could ‘solder’ because she had a soldering position open.  Where on my resume would anyone see soldiering??

I told my landlord today that I had decided this last weekend to move back to Denver because I can’t seem to find a job and at least there I won’t be out on the street. I will however be living with my daughter and her family. Now mind you, I love my daughter and her family more than I can say. But I have lived alone for 6 yrs, and they have put up with me on occasion, sometimes for several days at a time. They are certain they want me to move in with them. I on the other hand, am not so certain they will feel this way after a few months. ShawnDe says she wants me to stay until their lease runs out to get back on my feet, caught up on my bills, etc. That will be next spring. I am so afraid that they will be so sick of me by then that I will ruin the relationship I have with them and they will be pushing me out the door. It is not easy to live with someone who is not your immediate family. When you are an adult, your mother is NOT your immediate family. How low have I stooped that I must depend on the good will and graciousness of my daughter and her family to keep from being on the streets?  

 

I can’t find a job, I can’t hold on to a man, I’m gonna lose my car, I am losing my apartment, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. My children can’t possibly respect me anymore, what’s to respect? I cant hold my own head up in public. Every good looking man I could possibly be interested in isn’t interested in me, not even the one I love, and who I am certain loves me.  Matter of fact, he’s scared to death of me so badly that he has to pretend he doesn’t like me now nor did he ever. Whatever.

 

I hurt so badly inside, and even this isn’t helping like it usually does. What in the world is wrong with me? Dale tells me that 95% of people withhold something of themselves when in a relationship. Maybe out of fear of rejection, because of past hurts, just because they want to and can.  According to him, and he would know, only about 5% of people in the world actually give unselfishly of themselves when in a relationship. He says I am one of the 5%, and that’s why I tend to be hurt more than other people and take it harder than most do. I thought everyone did it the same way. What other way is there? I don’t know of another way. I wish I did. I fall in love, I do it with everything I have, and that’s that. I thought that was the way you were supposed to do it. Well, it’s how I do it anyway.  For all the good it’s ever done me.

I am a failure, in my life, in my children’s eyes, in my love life. I have failed. I hate me.

 

Time for me to move on…

Well, as I knew it would, time has come for me to move on. No matter what I do or how I do it, the men who mean the most to me in my life, who aren’t related to me, manage to find a way to break my heart and make me feel like crap. Once again, it has happened.

I don’t understand it. He told me, point blank, on the phone, because he can’t say these things to my face, that I shouldn’t beat myself up over this, because I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, he’s right! I didn’t do anything wrong! This is all on him, plain and simple. I repeat, however, I still do not understand it.

He got too close. I scared the crap outta him, because he started feeling things for me that he didn’t want to and all of a sudden he was terrified. He told me that too. Not quite so nicely, but nonetheless. He blamed me for him feeling these things, and repeatedly told me he didn’t want do to that. Not my fault. I’m not in control of you or your feelings. I can only control me and my feelings. My bad was, as all of you who read my stuff know, I did fall in love with him. I wish I hadn’t. I really didn’t want to, but that’s something that I think we never have any control over. It happens because it is meant to happen. 

So, because he is scared of being hurt again, and because he is far too macho to express this and deal with it, he is no longer in my life. His choice.  I can only say - his loss too!  See, I know me, and I know what kind of a person I am. I know what he will be missing, and to be honest, I know he already is missing it, because he is being really mean to me over everything. I know what it means to me to love someone with everything that I have. I did this for him, without asking him for anything in return. Maybe that’s my problem, I didn’t ask for anything, I didn’t expect anything. I simply loved him.

I know that I will eventually get over it. I always do. That doesn’t make it any easier for me. I don’t want to get over it. I want - more than anything in the world - to find someone who will love me the way I love them. The way I want to love someone. With everything I have in me, someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated - like a queen - and allow me to be who I am and still love me. Someone who will allow me to love him - and treat him like a king, the way I want to treat a man. He has to be one who deserves it though. Man oh man, are they rare.

At my age - I’m thinking my chances are not good. :(  Sucks to be me.

So I have one more little poetry bit to add to this last post for Mr Alan Smith.

 

 

Pain on Paper

 

My fingers start to wrinkle

From the wiping of my tears

They fall down on this paper

And the ink begins to smear

 

I just continue writing

I have to get this down

My thoughts all seem to haunt me

And they make me hold this frown

 

So I write of all my heartache

My losses and their stains

My recent love and memories

The breakup and its pains

 

I write the lack of effort

That you used to steal my heart

You used that same exact amount

To rip it all apart

 

I write of how you hurt me

And how you could’ve hurt me worse

I write of how I tried so hard

But conjured up a curse

 

I write of how I pleaded

I was lost without your trust

But I guess your feelings for me

In time have gathered dust

 

I want to write of how I feel

And tell you what’s in my heart

I want to show you that I care

But you’ll tear me all apart

 

Go off and do what you mean to do

And leave me here alone

I fear you will not miss me

My love will die all on its own

 

Maybe one day, when your anger fades

And time turns down your thoughts

You’ll remember how you loved me

And want back what you have lost?

 

I write of just how hard its been

To say my last goodbye

And then I finally end my words

But still - I wonder why?

 

 

When God closes a door…

like this, grief and sadness can be the only response. My world is very sad today. There has been a death in the outer edges of my world. No, I did not know her personally, although I wish I had. Everything I have heard about her has been to say that she was a wonderful woman, well thought of, much loved, and she will be truly missed. Many people in my life are affected by her passing. True friends and people I care deeply about. I wish I could offer comfort to those who mourn her, but only a small handful know me, so I cannot, for the most part. From what I have been told of this woman, we could have been great friends. I truly think I would have liked her, and I think she would have liked me. I know that her family thought very well of her, and they speak very highly of her, so I have no doubt at all that I would have liked her. I know only OF her husband, Ronnie,I have not met him, but he is the brother of someone who is exceedingly special to me, and I know a little about him from Alan. I do not know all the children in the family, but the ones I do know are shocked and saddened by her sudden death, and since I care about them, I am also shocked and saddened for them.I feel particularly helpless, as I am unable to do anything for any of them. I believe this is a normal way to feel for a freind of the family, but it is frustrating. Remembering when my mother died, and how hard it was for me to go on with the day to day rituals of my life, I feel the need to offer support and a shoulder if need be, but I am unable to do so except to a few who I am close to.

To Ronnie, Walt, and Alan; to all the children of these men, and to all that will be affected by the loss of this wonderful woman, I offer my condolences, my heartfelt prayers, and please know that you will be in my heart and thoughts for quite some time to come.

To Diana; I wish I had known you. I am sorry to have missed you in my life. Even though I did, I still feel the loss, because people I love very much are hurting. I would not be much of a friend if I did not feel their pain, and empathise with them. 

Perhaps, one day in heaven, we can still meet and be friends. I would like that. 

“God never closes a door, but that he opens a window.” 

One More Day 

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn’t ask for money

or a mansion in Malibu

I simply asked for one more day with you.

One more day - one more time

One more sunset maybe I’d be satisfied

But then again - I know what it would do

Leave me wishin still for one more day with you.

First thing I’d do is pray for time to crawl

I’d unplug the telephone - keep the TV off

I’d hold you every second - say a million ‘I love you’s’

That’s what I’d do - with one more day with you.

One more day - one more time

One more sunset maybe I’d be satisfied

But then again - I know what it would do

Leave me wishin still for one more day with you.

Happy Valentines Day, huni

MY BROKEN ROADS 

No where along life’s journey

In all the twists and turns

Did I see a sign that showed me

Where to go or what to learn

 Some how though I found my way

Through all the lefts and rights

That led me to this place I’m in

And put me in your sights 

HE ‘s guided me all the way

Along my broken roads

Knowing that you’d be here

To help me bear this load 

I now know why things have been

In my life the way they are

To show me that I would have more

That I could reach for that star

 I do believe it was His intent

That the two of us should meet

To help each other heal our wounds

Our fear and pain goes deep.  

 I’ve never used such caution

In matters of the heart

With you I must tread lightly

Or find us torn apart

 I bide my time – I’ll wait it out

My love for you is strong

I know that you will be there

And my ‘knowing’ is not wrong

 I’ve known the bad – I’ve lived that life

I know that you have too

We had to know this pain so we

Could see our way on through 

If you’ve never climbed a hill

A mountain you can’t beat

Our trials in life have shown us

It’s not our nature to retreat

 I’ll take the challenge He’s given me

And I will meet it - head on

Knowing full well that in the end

You’re the dream I wait upon

I miss you, and I can’t wait for you to come home next week! 

For Those I love Part III

Yes, I am back again, just like the annoying neighbor you hope will go away, but ya’ll are too nice to tell me to shut up!

I just was looking at my stats on this thing, and oh my God! I’ve had 403 people to my little corner of the world here. People, you really need to leave me comments! Please….?

Ok, onto todays subject.

I am not sure how this turned into talking about my in-laws, but it has. Maybe it’s because I am so very lucky to have the best in-laws in the world. I can’t say enough about them.

Today, the one I will talk about will be a little difficult, only because even though he has been a part of my family longer than all the rest, it has taken me the longest to get to know him. I blame myself for this, because I was afraid of him, like none of the others. That was wrong,

My first baby, Heather, was born in 1974. She met him in 1990, I believe. She was 15! Too young! Way too young! Ya know something? The first time I met him, I remember thinking that he was different than the other ones she had brought home. Not that at 15, she had been bringing lots of boys home. Lets get that straight now. But you would have to know Heather to understand this part.  She has been like a flame to the moths.  I have seen so many people just be drawn to her - they can’t help themselves. She has that kind of a personality. She did even as a baby - complete strangers would walk up to me when she was a child, and tell me things like they saw her face across the store, or the dr’s office, (wherever we were), and they just had to come see her, talk to her, admire her! I used to get told all the time how amazingly pretty she was, and she was. She still is, believe me! So it really didn’t surprise me when the boys started following her home! I didn’t like it - oh hell no! But I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it. And I couldn’t. They flocked to her like the moths to the flame! ( or the bug zapper!)

This last moth, or bug, whichever you prefer, decided he wasn’t gonna go away. He stayed right around the edges of her flame, never getting burned, but unable to leave. I know thats what it was now. He was unable to leave. I can’t blame him - look at her! I call him a bug or a moth, but truly, he was like a catapillar, slow and steady he kept at it. Never being deterred, never allowing anyone to change his mind, not even her. Little did I know the magnificent butterfly within, that would spread his wings to encompass her, protect her, provide for her. Had I known then what I know now, I would have probably tried to bribe him to stay….LOL!

Eric and Heather werre married in 1994, and have been together ever since. 14 years! Wow, am I proud? You bet I am. I want to state this here and now…..Eric, I have always been proud of you, and happy that Heather married you. I want you to believe that, if you never believe anything else I tell you, OK?

Maybe some of the problems we had were because we were all so young. I was 31,  or 32 when he came into our lives. That’s very young to be dealing with a daughters boyfriend, let me tell you! And I was also struggling with the whole “She will not be like me!” thing, not realizing it was totally out of my control. He truly scared me, because I knew he was different, and I had a gut feeling about him even then. I never let myself verbalize it, I was too afraid to. So I think I started tryin to hold on to her tighter. What happens when we try to hold our almost adult children closer to us? Yup. You guessed it. She pulled away and ran from me. If you’ve never had a child run from you - and I mean literally - you can’t understand the fear, the pain, the terrible anguish a parent goes through. I was out of my mind.

Several times in my life, I have blank spots where there should be memories. This is one. I remember bits and pieces. Not all of it I know. My mind does this thing where I just blank out the worst of the memory. I don’t know why. I think maybe its because God knows I went a little crazy. You watch those TV shows where they talk about temporary insanity? I believe in it! I have been there and done that.

Of the bits and pieces I do remember, one of them is Eric. I remember him coming to our door, and being just as scared as I was, wanting to know if we had found her, any clues as to where she was? Did I want his help? It’s a good thing I said yes, cuz he would have been there anyway. But I did want his help, I NEEDED his help! My memory of this time is a little screwed up, I’m sure, and if I get some of this wrong, I’m sorry. I re-tell it the way I remember it.

Anyway, we found her. I think it was 12 days later. Longest 12 days of my life!! She was so angry with me. I don’t remember why. It doesn’t matter. We found her. That was all that mattered.

Eric never wavered. Stayed right through everything. Poor guy!!

Then in ‘92 I think it was, her dad received a job offer that we were so happy about. But there was a catch. We had to move - a long way away. From Denver to Atlanta, Ga. Oh man, was I scared. She was a senior in high school,  with like 4 months to go til she graduated. I could not take her away from her school, her friends, and most of all, Eric. If I had insisted that she go with us, she wouldn’t have been able to stop it. All I could think of was how I would have felt in her shoes, and I knew I had to think of her needs not my own. I swear, the only person who truly understood what I was going thru at that time was my best friend, Pepi. She had been my best friend for ever, and her children had grown up with my children. I had grown up with her husband, and it just seemed natural that I give her my first born. I would never have trusted her with anyone else. Do not try this at home! You have no idea how hard this was. No one but Pepi will ever know the complete and total anguish I went through. But Eric made me a promise that last night at Pepi’s. He promised me he would take care of my precious girl. He was good on his word. Between him and the Schlingman’s, they protected my daughter, and kept her safe for me. I know she thought that Bob and Pepi were a little smothering, but that’s why I wanted them to do this. Pepi felt like I did about my children. 

We came back for her graduation. Eric is right there with her. She came to stay with us in Atlanta for Christmas. Eric wasn’t there, but I knew he was back home waiting for her.

Then they were engaged. EXCUSE ME??? Oh hell yeah, they were planning a wedding. Ok, well now I know this one is NEVER going away. See? My gut instincts are accurate! 

But I have to admit, this man brought about a change in my daughter that I never would have believed possible. His influence in her life has been nothing short of miraculous. She is the woman she is today, as much because of him as anything else. Not only did he bring her to God, he ultimately brought her back to me.

We have talked about the growing pains that we all go through on our journey to who we are meant to become. This was part of her journey. (and mine!) There is very little in this life that is as hard as letting your babies go and letting them do things on their own. In knowing that if they need your help, they will ask, and if they don’t, it’s because you have raised them right. They never asked me for anything. Nothing. They didn’t need my help starting their life, not with their wedding, not with their first apartment, not a thing. How proud of them was I? Oh my God!

Since that wedding, in August of  ‘94, she has become an amazing woman, and he has been right there through everthing with her. Their first child, Hannah, was born in ‘99, and their second daughter, little Emily, in ‘02. Both are so much like their mother  - and I am SOOOO PROUD of them. And their parents. Eric is a fantastic father, a wonderful husband to my daughter, he has his own business now, and I know my daughter and their children will never want for anything! She is doing all the things that I wanted her to do, and she is doing them all on her own. Just the way I taught her.

I know she would not be the woman she is today if not for my wonderful son-in-law. I will be the first to admit that I felt as if he were stealing her from me at the time. I didn’t like him much for that. I know now that my feelings stemmed from the fear of letting go. I had fought so very hard for her in the beginning, and then all of a sudden she was gone - not mine anymore. (She still was, I know this now, but then…?) I had more growing up to do, and he proved that to me. He made me grow up! So he has molded and shaped us both to some extent.

Eric, for all the problems we had to begin with, please understand that it truly wasn’t personal. I would have felt that way about any man in her life! It just happened to be you. I remember you telling me how you felt at the time that you were her prince Charming, and she was your Cinderella, and you had to free her from the evil, wicked mother. Good think I wasn’t a step-mom! LOL There is a song that is current on the country music charts right now, called “Stealing Cinderella,” by Chuck Wickes, and everytime I hear it, I think of you and her. I know things have changed now and you don’t feel the same way about me that you used to, and I have also changed. I am so happy for that. I do love you, Eric. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone, and you need to know that. You are as important to this family as anyone else is, and I thank God for you every day!

Eric and I sat down and wiped the slate clean a couple of years ago. This was a shocker for me, because I had no idea that he felt the way he did. It was so wonderful to know that he felt that way. If you have read any of my words on this site, you know how important it is to me to be important to my children and thier families. Including their spouses. Especially their spouses. I never felt that I had made a good impression on Eric. I wanted very much to change this with him, and to be closer to him. I didn’t know how. I felt pushed away, excluded, not wanted or welcomed in his life or his family. I felt I had let them both down somehow, and this broke my heart, and widened the gulf between me and Heather. I knew pushing my way in was not the way to do it. So I waited, mostly because I didn’t know what to do, not realizing that it wasn’t my place to do anything. I had to wait for him to be ready. I had to wait for THEM to be ready. It was worth the wait, let me tell you.

I have learned so much about Eric in the last couple of years, and I am very happy and proud to call him my son-in-law.  Thank you for loving my daughter, for being who you are and fighting for what you wanted. I knew when she was little there was someone very special out there waiting for her. I’m glad it was you!

I love you, Eric Weiland. I hope you are happier with me now than you were years ago. I know that I am much happier now, and I owe that in part to you!

You’re never too old to learn…(part 2 & 3)

I was thinking about this all the way home from Denver today. I had to call Heather and tell her how much yesterday meant to me. How much it meant to have Hannah come up to me and tell me she loved me and give me a hug. That was just a topper to the whole day like I NEVER expected! My grandaughter is not a huggy lovey type of person, which we all have learned to respect. It’s been hard, but we’ve done it. She gave grandma a hug yesterday and told me she loved me and happy birthday! What a gift that was! oh man!!

I have something else I want to say to my kids and my friends tho. My daughter thanked me for ‘forgiving her?’  This has had me thinking very hard all the way home. Huni, forgiving others is comparatively easy when you compare it to forgiving yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This is a lesson I have had to learn the hard way, and I still am not the best at this. I beat myself up over some silly stuff at times too. You need to know that most the things you still hold yourself accountable for are things that others forgave you for ages ago. I know this to be sooooo very true!!  Please, please, please, don’t be so hard on yourself. I love you and I always will. Nothing you’ve ever done, real or imagined, is anything worth beating yourself up over. Especially when it comes to me. You have been a wonderful daughter and I am so thankful to have had you in my life. Remember these words, ok? If you remember nothing else I’ve ever told you, remember that. I love you. You didn’t need forgiveness from me, you need it from you.  :)  You and Eric told me a while back, that everything I was holding onto was water under the bridge. The only reason I was afraid to accept that was because I hadn’t forgiven myself for those things. Yes, it is harder to forgive ourselves, and I am queen of this. HA HA  but all that said, its still true.

It’s still been hard for me to do, until yesterday.  But what you said to me on Saturday, made me think of all the guilt I put myself thru over my mom, over all of you, and (here I go again, I know), I realized then, like I never had before, that my mom really HAD forgiven me before she died, and now I know that all of you have too.  I really, really didn’t realize this until then. So, I am not too old to learn, cuz you, daughter, just taught me something, AGAIN! Until you said that to me, my perspective on the whole thing with my mom hadn’t changed, and deep down I couldn’t forgive myself for any of that or anything that had ever been between me and all of my children. I had thought I had, but I was wrong. Now, it is changed. I know that my mom had forgiven me without a doubt, that all of you really mean it too, and now, suddenly, I am free! Free of myself. Cuz I know now that it was only me not forgiving me!

The emotion in your voice, and on your face hit me like a brick. You reminded me so much of me!  The feelings that went thru me at that moment, opened my heart and mind so much! I knew then what my mom had “felt” after she died and saw me going thru so much grief, and guilt, and heartache.  I wouldn’t wish that on anyone! I don’t want you to carry anything like that around with you huni. There will always be growing aches and pains, even at my age! But they all make us stronger; they make us who we are.  God has made our family very very strong. Especially the women.

I don’t mean to go on and on about this, but it is SO important. I don’t want to leave my kids with any doubts. Sometimes, specially with my son, these aren’t the kind of things he talks about easily. But even with my girls, we get all weepy and emotional and then everything doesn’t come out the way you want it to, or you forget something.  So let me make this clear, ok? Too all of you. I love you, no matter what has ever happened in the past, or what may happen in the future, it just doesn’t matter. You’re my babies, you will always be my babies, no matter how old any of you gets, or how old I get. There is nothing any of you could do that I would not forgive, or have not forgiven, or that even needs forgiving,  and nothing any of you could ever do that I would not love you with all my heart, and soul. You are my angels, pure and simple. As far as I am concerned, you are all as perfect as a human being can get. If you are worried about anything, don’t be, my babies. It’s water under the bridge. (Mama… thank you, and sorry it took me so long to figure it out! I love you too. )

ShawnDe and Aubrey - I can’t tell you how much what you said meant to me either. There isn’t a mother (in-law) around worth her salt that doesn’t want to hear those words.  I never really expected to. 

Thank you, Heather, for teaching your mama a very valuable lesson. Nice to know that I can still learn.  :) 

Even tho I didn’t want to celebrate this birthday, I’m so glad my daughters and friends didn’t listen to me. This was the best birthday I’ve ever had. 50 is looking pretty good!!