ON AGING….

George Carlin on age.
(Absolutely Brilliant)

ALL OF YOU THAT KNOW ME KNOW THAT I HAVE A BIRTHDAY COMING UP THAT I AM NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUT. THIS WAS SENT TO ME BY A FRIEND WHOSE TRYING TO CHEER ME UP ABOUT IT. IT MADE ME LAFF SO HARD I HAD TO PUT IT ON HERE. THIS IS ONE OF THE TRUEST THINGS I HAVE EVER READ….. AND IT DID MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!

IF YOU DON’T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. .

George Carlin’s Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.

For Those I love Part II

This got me thinking. Yes, I am closer to the women in my family than most of the men. Women bond differently than men do, and I know all the men are closer to each other in ways we women will never understand. The same thing goes for us as well. We have bonds between us that the men will never understand.

But that doesn’t mean I should leave them out of this. So today I will talk about one of them.

He is a great addition to my family. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. He has been around for a lot longer than I care to admit, but on the other hand, he has brought so much to our family in those years that I wouldn’t want to imagine those years without him either.

He is father to my grandchildren, and what a GREAT DAD!! I am so proud of him! He has proven time and again that no matter what it takes, he will take care of my daughter, of his children, no matter the hardship to himself. I don’t think this is even a consideration for him. An outstanding father, husband, and provider.

 I first met him in ‘95. He scared me to death!! Oh my God! He was so BIG!! My daughter is so tiny! I am not a big woman at all and she is smaller than I. This guy is like a giant in my house, I’m waiting for him to duck to come in the door!

But gentle as a teddy bear. Warm, loving, and loves my daughter. You know how it is to be a parent, and have some guy standing there telling you he loves your daughter. You’re thinking to yourself, the hell you do! You don’t know what love is, you have no idea of commitment or what it means. I’m not gonna let you hurt my daughter! Yeah, all these things ran thru my mind. You bet they did.

He was persistent tho! I will spare you the details of the courtship! Suffice it to say that they were married by the end of the year, much to my surprise. I didn’t think they would do it! They called my bluff so to speak, and left me with egg on my face. One thing I have come to realize however, is that it was the best bluff I have ever had called, and he knew what he wanted and he took it. At the time I wouldn’t ever have admitted that it could be a good thing, but it was and has been for all these years.

The first years are always a little tough with any relationship. Doesn’t matter who you are, there is a learning curve. Their first 4 years were a little tough. Hell we had all taken bets they wouldn’t make it a year, (which was just terrible on our parts – us adults who thought we knew so much!) Then on February 14th, they show up at my house and hand me a Valentines Day card. Ok, this is something that my daughter doesn’t usually do, get me something for Valentines Day…. why is this year special? then I open the card. My breath catches in my throat, my pulse accelerates to about 200 bpm, and I start trembling. The front of the card says, “Happy Valentines Day, GRANDMA!” 

Suddenly, they are a family. I will have a baby in my life again. I am so excited. And worried. They are not the most stable family unit. Will this make or break them? I am so worried, I pray everyday for them to have the strength and determination to get thru it.

My son-in-law, this great big huge guy whom I have come to love like he is my own son, makes a change that to this day is still the most amazing metamorphisis I have ever seen. He was a kid when he married my daughter, and that was ok cuz my daughter was a kid too. We all knew they would do some growing up together and they did. But now…. he does an about face, and what seems like overnight, becomes a man I am so very proud of. You can see it in him. The prospect of becoming a father has had such a profound impact on him.

Kevin I am so proud of you and have been for many, many years.

Since the birth of my first grandchild, a little boy named Devin James Young, this young man has become the most amazing father and husband. I could not have asked for a better mate for my daughter, or a better father for her children. He is simply a Godsend. An Angel in disguise, a blessing that only God himself could have forseen.

They have had their ups and downs! We all do. They have weathered them all. This last December was their 13th wedding anniversary, and they now have 3 children. Devin in ‘99, Savannah in ‘02, and Pheonyx in ‘07. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me, how proud I am of him.

Kevin, you scared me in the beginning, because I thought I was going to lose another daughter. At the time, that was how it felt. I know that was wrong now, but it was how it felt.

Thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for taking a stand against me – for standing up for who you wanted. For what you wanted. I know I didn’t make that easy to do. I tried to be as formidable as I knew how. I have no idea how well I pulled that off, but in the end it doesn’t matter. You did what was right, and I was wrong, and I am so very happy to admit that!!

I hope you know that when I tell you I love you, they are not just words. I mean it. I couldn’t love you more if you were my own son. As far as I am concerned, you are my ’son.’

Initially, we have the family we are given, and we have no choice in that. As life goes on, we chose who we add to our family. At some point, we go back to having no choice in the matter, as our children make the choices, and we have to stand back and let it happen. This is a very hard thing to do. To let go. If we are lucky, we have done our jobs to the best of our abilities and our children make good choices. I certainly must have done something right, because my children made EXCELLENT choices. All of them. I am very, very proud to call Kevin my son-in-law.

You have made my daughter happy, and that’s what I care about the most. Never mind the hiccups along the way. We all have them baby. You get over the speedbumps, and keep going. Thank you for loving my daughter, for being the father you are, for taking care of them the way you do. You are the best!!!

I love you. 

For those I love…

I learned something today. I learned that my words here are actually having an effect. I knew that my daughter, Heather, was reading it. Then I have a friend from high school, Joyce, who is also reading it.

This impresses me becuz she and I haven’t seen each other or had any contact at all in 30 yrs until last year. What I think is so cool about this is that seeing her again last fall, was for me like a trip back to high school! Oh my, she still looks like I remember her, and she still has the same great sense of humor I’d remembered. It was awesome to see her and visit with her again. We keep in touch through email now, and I suppose in a way, thru this too. This is cool to me, becuz I had lost contact with all my old friends from high school. I knew that some had passed away, and nothing brings home your own mortality like having school friends die. But having her back in my life is like my own version of “GREASE!” The reminiscing (sp?) was fantastic. It takes on a whole new life when you have been out of school for 32 yrs!!

But this is not the one that has affected me so much today. Today it is someone else, who is very close to my heart. She is my friend, it is true. I hope in the years to come that she and I will be much better friends, for I love her. Although I will admit that while I had always hoped to be close to her, I wasn’t sure that it would happen. I wanted it to. But I didn’t want to be overbearing about it. I’ve tried not to be an overbearing personality where my family and she are concerned. And she IS part of my family. A very special part.  A part that I cannot imagine not having. She has completed a part of my family that needed her, and wether she knows it or not, she is a very welcome addition to it. Both my daughters love her to death, and so does my son. Her name is Aubrey Stearns, and she is my daughter-in-law.

She is an amazing woman! I remember the first time I met her, when my son brought her to my house. I lived way out in the boonies not to far from Pueblo, Co., in a little tiny trailer. This poor woman came and sat in my house for at least a couple of hours, and unbeknownst to me, was alergic to cats. (I had two!) She had to have been miserable, and she never complained or even mentioned it. Since then, I’ve come to know that she is a very wonderful person. I am so impressed with my son and his choice of a wife. I don’t think he could have chosen better. Two years ago, almost anyway, she brought into our lives a most wonderus gift. My grandson Blake Tanner Stearns. And he is definetly one of the most brightly shining stars in my life these days. He is SUCH  a character!!  I am as blessed as any woman can be by these additions to my family.

Now, over the weekend I found out from her that she has been reading this collage of my thoughts and feelings. 

 I also get to know the stuff about your mom and try to understand it from being my age and all, and maybe just maybe I should take heed and change the relationship with my mom so that she’ll know this before it is too late! Don’t take this out of context, I feel your pain and yours was different circumstances, and age but we all go through it and some point in our lives, when god brings it to you, he’s sees you through it! (and we are all here to listen) But keep writing, I think it “heals” for you!

 She is right about one thing. It does help me heal. Some of these things have been locked up inside of me for so long, and it does feel good to get them out. And my whole point with this thing was “To leave something of myself behind…”, and as I told her this morning, I would have loved to have something from my Mom that I could take out and read and re-read on days when I needed her with me. There have been many in the last 24 yrs.  

I didn’t expect to have an effect on my childrens’ spouses. The fact that I have moves me quite a bit. I simply wanted them to know their mother on a different level than they have before. In this era of email, and text messages, and the shorthand that goes with both, we don’t necessarily take the time to have the relationships like we should. (This Heather brought up and she is so very right!!) Like our parents and grandparents did. I also know, from having been in their shoes at one time, what the constraints and pressures are of raising your family, trying to create a better life for your family. doing all the things that you believe you must do, and in  amoungst all this, trying to find the time to create real relationships with those in your life. It’s a very tricky juggling act! You never seem to have time for everything. If I thought it was hard in my day, and it was – believe me! – then I know it must be that much harder to do now. Every generation  has their different things to add to the mix. I would not want to be raising my family now, as they are, it was hard enough for me with the obstacles that I faced. I can’t imagine what it must be like now. This only leads me to believe that there is that much LESS time to do the things you know you should do – like spending time with friends, older relatives, children. The pressures of being young today are that much greater than in my time.

So I do not want them to feel as though they need to babysit me, or call me all the time. I know they do not have the time for this. I try very hard not to intrude into their lives very much. As I said before, I do not want to be the ‘overbearing’ mother or mother-in-law that I know so many people have in their lives. They know if they need me, I am here. I will always be here for them – all of them – wether it is Heather, Bud, and ShawnDe, or Eric, Aubrey and Kevin, or any combination of the 6! I want my children to be proud of their Mother. I want their spouses to be happy with their Mother-in-law.  Happy to say – I have a great Mother-in-law or Mother. And if someday, the rest of them are curious enough, perhaps they will read this, to know me a little better, and maybe – just maybe – some of my insights will help them with something they have to deal with. I can only hope.

I would be shocked to hear that Kevin, Eric, or Bud had actually read any of this. But that’s ok. I don’t expect them to really. But to know that my dearest daughter-in-law reads my words, knows my feelings, and perhaps sees some wisdom in my words makes me very happy. My son may never read this, but he may know of it through his wife. My grandchildren will probably never see it at all. But maybe something I have said here, will filter down to them from their parents, and I will have made a difference after all!

I know that my grandchildren love me. The ones that are old enough to comprehend feelings. My mother wasn’t given the opportunity to make much of an impact on my childrens lives. So I feel it encombant on me to leave a lasting impression on mine while I can. I think I am off to a good start. When I show up at their homes, they come running to me, saying my name, big ole smiles on their faces. Blake makes a game of it by smiling and laughing and running away from me – which tickles me to no end. Little Pheonyx finally smiles at me when she sees me, which gives me a feeling I cannot even describe! Devin, Savannah, Hannah, and Emily’s faces light up when they see me, and I am surrounded by little arms with GREAT BIG HUGS! This is a satisfaction so complete that I have no words for it.  I must be doing something right. I want my grandchildren to remember me, to remember how much I loved them, to remember how much they loved me. This is something my children were robbed of, and I mean to make it up to their children if I can.

A major part of this I would not have if not for Aubrey. I am thankful to her and my son for the joy they have given me. Not just in Blake, but in her as well. I am so very proud to call her my daughter-my-law.

This month in history….

Typically, I don’t like January. Over the years it’s not been a really good month for me. Up until 1984 it was ok, the worst thing that ever happened in this month was I got a year older. That’s bad enough. My Grandfather was also born in January. January 25th. He and I used to share our birthdays and even tho I was only 5 years old when he died, at the tender age of 48, I still remember that. I don’t know if my memories are all jumbled together or if I actually remember more than one of those celebrations, but it doesn’t matter. The memories are good ones. They make me smile. But in ‘84 my mom died. She was only 46 yrs, 225 days old. Matter of fact, today is the 24th anniversary of the day we buried my Mother.  Today is usually not a good day for memories.  And this month is usually not a pleasant one for me.

But then two years and 12 days ago, something happened that changed the month of January for me to something to look forward to.  My second grandson, Blake was born, on the 25th. What a precious gift! He is such a character!!

I’ll tell you what – for those of you who are not grandparents yet, you just don’t understand. I always thought that there was nothing else in the world that could make me as happy has being a mother and having my own children. Man, was I wrong!!!  As hard as it is to see your babies grow up, and to have to let go of them, and it is hard – beleive me!, God knew that we would have problems with that, so he left room in our hearts for grandchildren!

All of my grandchildren are as precious to me as my own life. No – that’s wrong. They are more so. Everytime I see one of them, the thought crosses my mind that they would not be here, if not for me.  Indirectly, of course, but nonetheless, and as much as my life would have been different without my children, how much more would it be without my grandbabies? I don’t even want to think about it. They are my pride and joy, every bit as much as their parents are. And yes! I mean Bud AND Aubrey, Heather AND Eric, ShawnDe AND Kevin.  Aubrey, Eric, and Kevin are as much a part of my life as my own children, and I couldn’t love them more if they were of my own blood. I used to worry about who my children’s spouses would be and if I would like them, or get along with them, but it was a needless worry. My children have made wonderful choices of lifemates, and I am exceedingly proud of their spouses.

Anyway, back to my story.

January, except for Blake, usually isn’t a good month for me. It’s always the start of a new year, and it makes you look back at the previous year and all the things that happened. 2007 had its ups and downs, but overall, it actually wasn’t too bad.

Blake turned 1, ShawnDe had Pheonyx in March, Hannah got her first pair of glasses – which Grandma thinks she is just darling in – and she and Devin turned 8 last year. Good God, how time does fly! I can’t believe they are 8 already! Savannah and Emily turned 5! Heather turned 33. (boy that one is a shocker, to me anyway! there is no way it could have been that long ago!) ShawnDe is 28, and Bud is 24! And I met a man that has just turned my life upside down! Alan Smith! He is wonderful, and for me on a personal level, it’s the best thing that’s happened to me since my last divorce in ‘02. We have been dating a year on the 3rd. I swore after my last venture into the romantic arena, which was in ‘03, that I would never ever let myself fall in love again. My bad. God laughed at me and said, “wanna bet?” , cuz I fell hard last year. But its safe for the time being, cuz he doesn’t know yet, and I’m not owning up to it yet with him, so that’s all good. I don’t plan to either unless he decides to change the boundaries we set last year.

But the absolute worst part of this January is I am no longer gonna be in my 40’s. Everyone says it’s just a number, and up until this year, I believed that. My 30’s didnt bother me at all. Hell, my 40’s didnt bother me! Even my later 40’s didnt bother me. Til last year. It was 49!!  Damn!  my last year in my 40’s. Now, in 16 days I will be 50. THIS SUCKS!!

I don’t want to be old. In my head I’m not old!! If my kids could see inside my head, I’m still in my 30’s! They are all still young, (not that they are old now, but you know what I mean, still kids!), and I am still pretty, and I don’t have all the lines in my face, I still have all my teeth, my eyes still work like they are supposed to, and I only have to dye my hair once or twice a year to cover the gray. My skin still looks healthy, it doesn’t have that onion skin look to it. I dont have the crows feet around my eyes, and the saggy skin on my neck. I truly dislike the way I look now, I feel like an old crone. (How I ever attracted a boyfriend I have no idea.)

I know they say that 50 is the new 30, and I am tryin to keep myself up. Yes I still smoke, and I hate that, but everytime I try to quit I put on weight, and I will not be OLD AND FAT! If I have to be old, at least I can be thin. I will not look like your typical grandma! Matter of fact I am on a diet now! I refuse to get over 130 lbs. I try to wear cute clothes, that keep me looking at least younger, and I try to keep my self in decent shape, so I stay active, and I run around with mostly younger people. ( not on purpose, it just worked out that way. I have only a few friends my age, the rest are at least 10 yrs younger than me, except Alan and he’s 5 yrs yonger than me.)

My son seems to think this is gonna be a fun birthday for me. Or at least HE will have fun with it. I won’t. We are celebrating Blakes birthday on the 26th, two weekends from now, and I am terrified to go to the party, just because I have no idea what my darn son is planning. Good Lord knows he probably has his sisters in  on it. I am SCARED!!

I don’t want to be old. Crap!  I qualify for AARP now! It’s only my body that’s this old! No one seems to get this! My mind is still young. I still think young. For the most part I still feel young! I have a little arthritis here and there, and my knees hurt once in a while, but other than that, I don’t feel my age at all! I had a complete physical exam last August, and the Doc told me I am in great shape! Very healthy – inspite of my smoking! Our bodies need to keep pace with our minds! They are traitors! I feel like I’m being put out to pasture and told that I have nothing else to offer to this world. Maybe I don’t. But I don’t wanna just quit. I am not on my last leg here!!

I used to always think, when I was younger, that I would be the type of woman who would grow old gracefully, and with dignity. To hell with that! I am fighting it every step of the way! I dye my hair, I do my nails, I tan, ( I know, I know….. I don’t wanna hear it!) I wear the clothes I have always been comfortable in, tight jeans, cute little tops, I keep my hair long, (even tho it takes two bottles of dye not one and I have to do it once a month now!) I dance all the time. It’s good exercise and I enjoy it. I mostly do it at home, in my kitchen and living room, but thats ok, it’s still dancing. I take walks, for exercise, and just recently I’ve started doing a regular workout to keep my muscle tone. I refuse to have bat wings! (You know, those big ole flaps of skin older women get on the under side of their arms when they lose all their muscle tone?) And I’ve always been proud of my legs. I thought they were one of my best features, and I still do. So I try to keep them in shape. Men like nice legs, and a tight butt. Walking helps with both those things. If I had the money, I would have a face lift, a tummy tuck, and a butt lift. In that order! I am not afraid of a plastic surgeon – everyone knows that! 

There are a few advantages of growing older. Not many – but a few. I love being a grandmother. I am too old to have children anymore, and while I still have all the equipment – it doesn’t work, which is actually quite liberating! I don’t mess with PMS any more at all! Thats wonderful! You trade that for hot flashes, but even those have almost completely quit. Now I just take my Oscal and exercise, and eat better, load up on vitamin C and D. I am seriously thinking of taking my oldest daughters advise about Coloidial Silver. I have a few friends who take it and swear by it. I’m sure it can’t hurt.

With all the advances medicine has made, why the heck cant they figure out a way to keep us from looking like crap as we get older? I have never been overly vain or conceited. I was never any great beauty – but I wasn’t a dog either!  I was passibly pretty. I am not sure where my daughters got their looks from – they are both just as drop dead georgous as a woman can get! Must be a great combination of genes! I would have given my right arm to look like EITHER of them when I was their ages, and I would say this even if they weren’t my daughters – they are just outstanding beauties! But I look in the mirror now, and I am afraid for them! Is this what they have to look forward to? Man do I feel like I am letting them down!  Modern science has got to have a cure for this! or a way to slow it down! What a rip off!! The supposidly ‘best years’ of our life and we have to look like crap and have other people look at us like we are too old to be of any use? I lost my job this last year, (not one of the highlights of 2007 let me assure you), and jobs I would have been able to get in a heartbeat 10 yrs ago I have been turned down for now like they think I am gonna croak tomorrow! PLLLEEEEAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE!!!

The other thing I don’t much care for are some of the statistics for women my age! Like, did you know that according to statistics, a woman my age has a much better chance of being a victim of a terrorist than of getting married? or re-married? Or of even having a romantic encounter at all?? And every year that passes the odds get worse? right now I am at less than 25%. If it doesn’t become permenant with my current boyfriend, what chance do I have of ever having another one? Slim and none.

I wish I had a time machine.

 So a word of warning to my children, and ESPECIALLY MY SON, unless you can give me an excellent reason for being happy about this particular birthday, I would really prefer it if it wasn’t brought up at all. I know you all won’t understand this part but let me try to explain it ok?

I have exceeded my mothers age by over 4 yrs, many of my friends from school, (which to me seems like it was just yesterday), have passed away, and I am single, and I live alone. I am sure you can’t understand this, but I am scared. I don’t want to be old, and alone, and this was always my worst fear when I was your age. Now my worst fear has come to be my reality and future!!

 So have pity on your mother. Let me pretend to not be this old for a little longer? I may not be able to pull it off much longer. Let me have my fantasy for as long as it will hold out, ok? It’s all I have left.

Happy birthday my darling little Blake! I will definetly celebrate your second birthday with my precious little boy. Grandma wouldn’t miss it for the world. Just keep your Daddy in line for Grandma, will ya? 

I’m Scared

How can I have all these memories?

All these things that I’ve been through?

Didn’t I just get my first bike?

And graduate from high school? 

What happened to the 80’s?

And where’s my Mama gone?

I know I’m in a time warp

Something has gone wrong! 

I feel like I just went to sleep

And woke up in this ‘NOW’

I’m old, and wrinkled, with gray hair

This time passage I can’t allow 

Whose body is this? It can’t be mine!

That’s not my face in the mirror

I don’t know who this person is

But she’s someone that I fear!

I’m trapped in here – I can’t get out

I cannot find the door

I feel as though I’ve been kidnapped

And I’m chained down to the floor 

Where and when did my life go?

Why are my children all adults?

How did I ever get this old?

Is this all I have for results? 

I was young and pretty – I loved to dance

I still love disco – it can’t be dead

My babies are babies – they’re not grown up

Something’s wrong inside my head!

 Something happened while I slept

I know this cant be right

My life is gone and I don’t know where

It was stolen in the night 

I don’t want to be this old-

I wasn’t done at all!

There’s all these things I want to do

I feel like I’ve been recalled!  

Help me find it I beg you, Lord!

This can’t be all there is!

I had so many plans you see

Am I left with only this? 

No one needs me, I’m all alone

What good am I like this?

I’m scared you know -  I feel left out

There’s so many things that I will miss