For those I love…

I learned something today. I learned that my words here are actually having an effect. I knew that my daughter, Heather, was reading it. Then I have a friend from high school, Joyce, who is also reading it.

This impresses me becuz she and I haven’t seen each other or had any contact at all in 30 yrs until last year. What I think is so cool about this is that seeing her again last fall, was for me like a trip back to high school! Oh my, she still looks like I remember her, and she still has the same great sense of humor I’d remembered. It was awesome to see her and visit with her again. We keep in touch through email now, and I suppose in a way, thru this too. This is cool to me, becuz I had lost contact with all my old friends from high school. I knew that some had passed away, and nothing brings home your own mortality like having school friends die. But having her back in my life is like my own version of “GREASE!” The reminiscing (sp?) was fantastic. It takes on a whole new life when you have been out of school for 32 yrs!!

But this is not the one that has affected me so much today. Today it is someone else, who is very close to my heart. She is my friend, it is true. I hope in the years to come that she and I will be much better friends, for I love her. Although I will admit that while I had always hoped to be close to her, I wasn’t sure that it would happen. I wanted it to. But I didn’t want to be overbearing about it. I’ve tried not to be an overbearing personality where my family and she are concerned. And she IS part of my family. A very special part.  A part that I cannot imagine not having. She has completed a part of my family that needed her, and wether she knows it or not, she is a very welcome addition to it. Both my daughters love her to death, and so does my son. Her name is Aubrey Stearns, and she is my daughter-in-law.

She is an amazing woman! I remember the first time I met her, when my son brought her to my house. I lived way out in the boonies not to far from Pueblo, Co., in a little tiny trailer. This poor woman came and sat in my house for at least a couple of hours, and unbeknownst to me, was alergic to cats. (I had two!) She had to have been miserable, and she never complained or even mentioned it. Since then, I’ve come to know that she is a very wonderful person. I am so impressed with my son and his choice of a wife. I don’t think he could have chosen better. Two years ago, almost anyway, she brought into our lives a most wonderus gift. My grandson Blake Tanner Stearns. And he is definetly one of the most brightly shining stars in my life these days. He is SUCH  a character!!  I am as blessed as any woman can be by these additions to my family.

Now, over the weekend I found out from her that she has been reading this collage of my thoughts and feelings. 

 I also get to know the stuff about your mom and try to understand it from being my age and all, and maybe just maybe I should take heed and change the relationship with my mom so that she’ll know this before it is too late! Don’t take this out of context, I feel your pain and yours was different circumstances, and age but we all go through it and some point in our lives, when god brings it to you, he’s sees you through it! (and we are all here to listen) But keep writing, I think it “heals” for you!

 She is right about one thing. It does help me heal. Some of these things have been locked up inside of me for so long, and it does feel good to get them out. And my whole point with this thing was “To leave something of myself behind…”, and as I told her this morning, I would have loved to have something from my Mom that I could take out and read and re-read on days when I needed her with me. There have been many in the last 24 yrs.  

I didn’t expect to have an effect on my childrens’ spouses. The fact that I have moves me quite a bit. I simply wanted them to know their mother on a different level than they have before. In this era of email, and text messages, and the shorthand that goes with both, we don’t necessarily take the time to have the relationships like we should. (This Heather brought up and she is so very right!!) Like our parents and grandparents did. I also know, from having been in their shoes at one time, what the constraints and pressures are of raising your family, trying to create a better life for your family. doing all the things that you believe you must do, and in  amoungst all this, trying to find the time to create real relationships with those in your life. It’s a very tricky juggling act! You never seem to have time for everything. If I thought it was hard in my day, and it was - believe me! - then I know it must be that much harder to do now. Every generation  has their different things to add to the mix. I would not want to be raising my family now, as they are, it was hard enough for me with the obstacles that I faced. I can’t imagine what it must be like now. This only leads me to believe that there is that much LESS time to do the things you know you should do - like spending time with friends, older relatives, children. The pressures of being young today are that much greater than in my time.

So I do not want them to feel as though they need to babysit me, or call me all the time. I know they do not have the time for this. I try very hard not to intrude into their lives very much. As I said before, I do not want to be the ‘overbearing’ mother or mother-in-law that I know so many people have in their lives. They know if they need me, I am here. I will always be here for them - all of them - wether it is Heather, Bud, and ShawnDe, or Eric, Aubrey and Kevin, or any combination of the 6! I want my children to be proud of their Mother. I want their spouses to be happy with their Mother-in-law.  Happy to say - I have a great Mother-in-law or Mother. And if someday, the rest of them are curious enough, perhaps they will read this, to know me a little better, and maybe - just maybe - some of my insights will help them with something they have to deal with. I can only hope.

I would be shocked to hear that Kevin, Eric, or Bud had actually read any of this. But that’s ok. I don’t expect them to really. But to know that my dearest daughter-in-law reads my words, knows my feelings, and perhaps sees some wisdom in my words makes me very happy. My son may never read this, but he may know of it through his wife. My grandchildren will probably never see it at all. But maybe something I have said here, will filter down to them from their parents, and I will have made a difference after all!

I know that my grandchildren love me. The ones that are old enough to comprehend feelings. My mother wasn’t given the opportunity to make much of an impact on my childrens lives. So I feel it encombant on me to leave a lasting impression on mine while I can. I think I am off to a good start. When I show up at their homes, they come running to me, saying my name, big ole smiles on their faces. Blake makes a game of it by smiling and laughing and running away from me - which tickles me to no end. Little Pheonyx finally smiles at me when she sees me, which gives me a feeling I cannot even describe! Devin, Savannah, Hannah, and Emily’s faces light up when they see me, and I am surrounded by little arms with GREAT BIG HUGS! This is a satisfaction so complete that I have no words for it.  I must be doing something right. I want my grandchildren to remember me, to remember how much I loved them, to remember how much they loved me. This is something my children were robbed of, and I mean to make it up to their children if I can.

A major part of this I would not have if not for Aubrey. I am thankful to her and my son for the joy they have given me. Not just in Blake, but in her as well. I am so very proud to call her my daughter-my-law.