Happy Valentines Day

Somewhere, there is someone who would appreciate this poem. I don’t know where he is, but I keep telling myself he is out there.

MY BROKEN ROADS 

No where along life’s journey

In all the twists and turns

Did I see a sign that showed me

Where to go or what to learn

 Some how though I found my way

Through all the lefts and rights

That led me to this place I’m in

And put me in your sights 

HE ‘s guided me all the way

Along my broken roads

Knowing that you’d be here

To help me bear this load 

I now know why things have been

In my life the way they are

To show me that I would have more

Without going all that far.

 I do believe it was His intent

That the two of us should meet

To help each other heal our wounds

Our fear and pain goes deep.  

 I’ve never used such caution

In matters of the heart

With you I must tread lightly

Or find us torn apart

 I bide my time – I’ll wait it out

My love for you is strong

I know that you will be there

And my ‘knowing’ is not wrong

 I’ve known the bad – I’ve lived that life

I know that you have too

We had to know this pain so we

Could see our way on through 

If you’ve never climbed a hill

A mountain you can’t beat

Our trials in life have shown us

It’s not our nature to retreat

 I’ll take the challenge He’s given me

And I will meet it – head on

Knowing full well that in the end

You’re the dream I wait upon.

For Those I love Part III

Yes, I am back again, just like the annoying neighbor you hope will go away, but ya’ll are too nice to tell me to shut up!

I just was looking at my stats on this thing, and oh my God! I’ve had 403 people to my little corner of the world here. People, you really need to leave me comments! Please….?

Ok, onto todays subject.

I am not sure how this turned into talking about my in-laws, but it has. Maybe it’s because I am so very lucky to have the best in-laws in the world. I can’t say enough about them.

Today, the one I will talk about will be a little difficult, only because even though he has been a part of my family longer than all the rest, it has taken me the longest to get to know him. I blame myself for this, because I was afraid of him, like none of the others. That was wrong,

My first baby, Heather, was born in 1974. She met him in 1990, I believe. She was 15! Too young! Way too young! Ya know something? The first time I met him, I remember thinking that he was different than the other ones she had brought home. Not that at 15, she had been bringing lots of boys home. Lets get that straight now. But you would have to know Heather to understand this part.  She has been like a flame to the moths.  I have seen so many people just be drawn to her – they can’t help themselves. She has that kind of a personality. She did even as a baby – complete strangers would walk up to me when she was a child, and tell me things like they saw her face across the store, or the dr’s office, (wherever we were), and they just had to come see her, talk to her, admire her! I used to get told all the time how amazingly pretty she was, and she was. She still is, believe me! So it really didn’t surprise me when the boys started following her home! I didn’t like it – oh hell no! But I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it. And I couldn’t. They flocked to her like the moths to the flame! ( or the bug zapper!)

This last moth, or bug, whichever you prefer, decided he wasn’t gonna go away. He stayed right around the edges of her flame, never getting burned, but unable to leave. I know thats what it was now. He was unable to leave. I can’t blame him – look at her! I call him a bug or a moth, but truly, he was like a catapillar, slow and steady he kept at it. Never being deterred, never allowing anyone to change his mind, not even her. Little did I know the magnificent butterfly within, that would spread his wings to encompass her, protect her, provide for her. Had I known then what I know now, I would have probably tried to bribe him to stay….LOL!

Eric and Heather werre married in 1994, and have been together ever since. 14 years! Wow, am I proud? You bet I am. I want to state this here and now…..Eric, I have always been proud of you, and happy that Heather married you. I want you to believe that, if you never believe anything else I tell you, OK?

Maybe some of the problems we had were because we were all so young. I was 31,  or 32 when he came into our lives. That’s very young to be dealing with a daughters boyfriend, let me tell you! And I was also struggling with the whole “She will not be like me!” thing, not realizing it was totally out of my control. He truly scared me, because I knew he was different, and I had a gut feeling about him even then. I never let myself verbalize it, I was too afraid to. So I think I started tryin to hold on to her tighter. What happens when we try to hold our almost adult children closer to us? Yup. You guessed it. She pulled away and ran from me. If you’ve never had a child run from you – and I mean literally – you can’t understand the fear, the pain, the terrible anguish a parent goes through. I was out of my mind.

Several times in my life, I have blank spots where there should be memories. This is one. I remember bits and pieces. Not all of it I know. My mind does this thing where I just blank out the worst of the memory. I don’t know why. I think maybe its because God knows I went a little crazy. You watch those TV shows where they talk about temporary insanity? I believe in it! I have been there and done that.

Of the bits and pieces I do remember, one of them is Eric. I remember him coming to our door, and being just as scared as I was, wanting to know if we had found her, any clues as to where she was? Did I want his help? It’s a good thing I said yes, cuz he would have been there anyway. But I did want his help, I NEEDED his help! My memory of this time is a little screwed up, I’m sure, and if I get some of this wrong, I’m sorry. I re-tell it the way I remember it.

Anyway, we found her. I think it was 12 days later. Longest 12 days of my life!! She was so angry with me. I don’t remember why. It doesn’t matter. We found her. That was all that mattered.

Eric never wavered. Stayed right through everything. Poor guy!!

Then in ‘92 I think it was, her dad received a job offer that we were so happy about. But there was a catch. We had to move – a long way away. From Denver to Atlanta, Ga. Oh man, was I scared. She was a senior in high school,  with like 4 months to go til she graduated. I could not take her away from her school, her friends, and most of all, Eric. If I had insisted that she go with us, she wouldn’t have been able to stop it. All I could think of was how I would have felt in her shoes, and I knew I had to think of her needs not my own. I swear, the only person who truly understood what I was going thru at that time was my best friend, Pepi. She had been my best friend for ever, and her children had grown up with my children. I had grown up with her husband, and it just seemed natural that I give her my first born. I would never have trusted her with anyone else. Do not try this at home! You have no idea how hard this was. No one but Pepi will ever know the complete and total anguish I went through. But Eric made me a promise that last night at Pepi’s. He promised me he would take care of my precious girl. He was good on his word. Between him and the Schlingman’s, they protected my daughter, and kept her safe for me. I know she thought that Bob and Pepi were a little smothering, but that’s why I wanted them to do this. Pepi felt like I did about my children. 

We came back for her graduation. Eric is right there with her. She came to stay with us in Atlanta for Christmas. Eric wasn’t there, but I knew he was back home waiting for her.

Then they were engaged. EXCUSE ME??? Oh hell yeah, they were planning a wedding. Ok, well now I know this one is NEVER going away. See? My gut instincts are accurate! 

But I have to admit, this man brought about a change in my daughter that I never would have believed possible. His influence in her life has been nothing short of miraculous. She is the woman she is today, as much because of him as anything else. Not only did he bring her to God, he ultimately brought her back to me.

We have talked about the growing pains that we all go through on our journey to who we are meant to become. This was part of her journey. (and mine!) There is very little in this life that is as hard as letting your babies go and letting them do things on their own. In knowing that if they need your help, they will ask, and if they don’t, it’s because you have raised them right. They never asked me for anything. Nothing. They didn’t need my help starting their life, not with their wedding, not with their first apartment, not a thing. How proud of them was I? Oh my God!

Since that wedding, in August of  ‘94, she has become an amazing woman, and he has been right there through everthing with her. Their first child, Hannah, was born in ‘99, and their second daughter, little Emily, in ‘02. Both are so much like their mother  – and I am SOOOO PROUD of them. And their parents. Eric is a fantastic father, a wonderful husband to my daughter, he has his own business now, and I know my daughter and their children will never want for anything! She is doing all the things that I wanted her to do, and she is doing them all on her own. Just the way I taught her.

I know she would not be the woman she is today if not for my wonderful son-in-law. I will be the first to admit that I felt as if he were stealing her from me at the time. I didn’t like him much for that. I know now that my feelings stemmed from the fear of letting go. I had fought so very hard for her in the beginning, and then all of a sudden she was gone – not mine anymore. (She still was, I know this now, but then…?) I had more growing up to do, and he proved that to me. He made me grow up! So he has molded and shaped us both to some extent.

Eric, for all the problems we had to begin with, please understand that it truly wasn’t personal. I would have felt that way about any man in her life! It just happened to be you. I remember you telling me how you felt at the time that you were her prince Charming, and she was your Cinderella, and you had to free her from the evil, wicked mother. Good think I wasn’t a step-mom! LOL There is a song that is current on the country music charts right now, called “Stealing Cinderella,” by Chuck Wickes, and everytime I hear it, I think of you and her. I know things have changed now and you don’t feel the same way about me that you used to, and I have also changed. I am so happy for that. I do love you, Eric. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone, and you need to know that. You are as important to this family as anyone else is, and I thank God for you every day!

Eric and I sat down and wiped the slate clean a couple of years ago. This was a shocker for me, because I had no idea that he felt the way he did. It was so wonderful to know that he felt that way. If you have read any of my words on this site, you know how important it is to me to be important to my children and thier families. Including their spouses. Especially their spouses. I never felt that I had made a good impression on Eric. I wanted very much to change this with him, and to be closer to him. I didn’t know how. I felt pushed away, excluded, not wanted or welcomed in his life or his family. I felt I had let them both down somehow, and this broke my heart, and widened the gulf between me and Heather. I knew pushing my way in was not the way to do it. So I waited, mostly because I didn’t know what to do, not realizing that it wasn’t my place to do anything. I had to wait for him to be ready. I had to wait for THEM to be ready. It was worth the wait, let me tell you.

I have learned so much about Eric in the last couple of years, and I am very happy and proud to call him my son-in-law.  Thank you for loving my daughter, for being who you are and fighting for what you wanted. I knew when she was little there was someone very special out there waiting for her. I’m glad it was you!

I love you, Eric Weiland. I hope you are happier with me now than you were years ago. I know that I am much happier now, and I owe that in part to you!

You’re never too old to learn…(part 2 & 3)

I was thinking about this all the way home from Denver today. I had to call Heather and tell her how much yesterday meant to me. How much it meant to have Hannah come up to me and tell me she loved me and give me a hug. That was just a topper to the whole day like I NEVER expected! My grandaughter is not a huggy lovey type of person, which we all have learned to respect. It’s been hard, but we’ve done it. She gave grandma a hug yesterday and told me she loved me and happy birthday! What a gift that was! oh man!!

I have something else I want to say to my kids and my friends tho. My daughter thanked me for ‘forgiving her?’  This has had me thinking very hard all the way home. Huni, forgiving others is comparatively easy when you compare it to forgiving yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This is a lesson I have had to learn the hard way, and I still am not the best at this. I beat myself up over some silly stuff at times too. You need to know that most the things you still hold yourself accountable for are things that others forgave you for ages ago. I know this to be sooooo very true!!  Please, please, please, don’t be so hard on yourself. I love you and I always will. Nothing you’ve ever done, real or imagined, is anything worth beating yourself up over. Especially when it comes to me. You have been a wonderful daughter and I am so thankful to have had you in my life. Remember these words, ok? If you remember nothing else I’ve ever told you, remember that. I love you. You didn’t need forgiveness from me, you need it from you.    You and Eric told me a while back, that everything I was holding onto was water under the bridge. The only reason I was afraid to accept that was because I hadn’t forgiven myself for those things. Yes, it is harder to forgive ourselves, and I am queen of this. HA HA  but all that said, its still true.

It’s still been hard for me to do, until yesterday.  But what you said to me on Saturday, made me think of all the guilt I put myself thru over my mom, over all of you, and (here I go again, I know), I realized then, like I never had before, that my mom really HAD forgiven me before she died, and now I know that all of you have too.  I really, really didn’t realize this until then. So, I am not too old to learn, cuz you, daughter, just taught me something, AGAIN! Until you said that to me, my perspective on the whole thing with my mom hadn’t changed, and deep down I couldn’t forgive myself for any of that or anything that had ever been between me and all of my children. I had thought I had, but I was wrong. Now, it is changed. I know that my mom had forgiven me without a doubt, that all of you really mean it too, and now, suddenly, I am free! Free of myself. Cuz I know now that it was only me not forgiving me!

The emotion in your voice, and on your face hit me like a brick. You reminded me so much of me!  The feelings that went thru me at that moment, opened my heart and mind so much! I knew then what my mom had “felt” after she died and saw me going thru so much grief, and guilt, and heartache.  I wouldn’t wish that on anyone! I don’t want you to carry anything like that around with you huni. There will always be growing aches and pains, even at my age! But they all make us stronger; they make us who we are.  God has made our family very very strong. Especially the women.

I don’t mean to go on and on about this, but it is SO important. I don’t want to leave my kids with any doubts. Sometimes, specially with my son, these aren’t the kind of things he talks about easily. But even with my girls, we get all weepy and emotional and then everything doesn’t come out the way you want it to, or you forget something.  So let me make this clear, ok? Too all of you. I love you, no matter what has ever happened in the past, or what may happen in the future, it just doesn’t matter. You’re my babies, you will always be my babies, no matter how old any of you gets, or how old I get. There is nothing any of you could do that I would not forgive, or have not forgiven, or that even needs forgiving,  and nothing any of you could ever do that I would not love you with all my heart, and soul. You are my angels, pure and simple. As far as I am concerned, you are all as perfect as a human being can get. If you are worried about anything, don’t be, my babies. It’s water under the bridge. (Mama… thank you, and sorry it took me so long to figure it out! I love you too. )

ShawnDe and Aubrey – I can’t tell you how much what you said meant to me either. There isn’t a mother (in-law) around worth her salt that doesn’t want to hear those words.  I never really expected to. 

Thank you, Heather, for teaching your mama a very valuable lesson. Nice to know that I can still learn.   

Even tho I didn’t want to celebrate this birthday, I’m so glad my daughters and friends didn’t listen to me. This was the best birthday I’ve ever had. 50 is looking pretty good!!

You’re never too old to learn…

Wow. I had my socks knocked off yesterday. All my girls managed to do what no one has ever done for me! They pulled off a surprise party. For my birthday. Damn it!  LOL But it was fun, and I’m glad they did. We did a facial spa thing at Heathers house, and I was VERY SURPRISED!! They started it off with a buffet style breakfast, which was yummy!! Then we did the whole facial thing, which they couldn’t have picked a better theme, since my face is the one thing about me that I hate the most. So this was good.  Michelle showed up and so did Linda, a friend of mine for years and years! Since we were little girls!!! And I do mean little. Like under 10! We had fun!

It amazes me sometimes to see how much my daughters are like me, tho. Thats what this post is all about. The lady doing the show, Catherine, said that to start it off, everyone had to go around and say something nice about me. And the one that made me cry got a special prize. oh great!  This is very easy to do! LOL So we start, and everyone said very nice things which they have no idea how hard it was not to cry, at everyone of them! Linda talked about how long we had been friends, and how we met. ShawnDe said she was happy I was her mom and at how I had reaised her, because look how she turned out! (I agree!! I dont necessarily take credit for it, but I agree!) Aubrey touched me so much when she said that she was glad for me cuz without me there wouldnt be Bud, and she thinks I am a great mother-in-law! (One of my goals!!) Michelle, who has been Heather’s friend for over half her life,  said I had always made her feel welcome and like part of the family! WELL, MICHELLE HUNI, YOU ARE PART OF THIS FAMILY – THATS WHY YOU FEEL THAT WAY!  I WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY! You have been a loyal and true friend to my daughter for so long, neither of us could imagine you not in this family! (you’re stuck with us sweetie!! :)  ) Then, Heather was last, and I thought I had done so well! Then she looks at me and says that she is glad I am her mom, and that I am so forgiving, because she thinks she was a bad daughter when she was younger, and I lost it!! 

It’s funny the things you learn about your kids. I was pretty sure I knew her well enough that she couldn’t actually surprise me with the depth of her emotions again. Man, was I wrong. Any of you that have read anything I have written here about my Mom, you will get this right away. Heather is, I swear, like a carbon copy of me in so many ways! But she is smarter too! She did something yesterday, that I would still, to this day, give my eye teeth to say to my mom. I assumed I was gonna have that chance later, and I didn’t. She told me that yesterday, and it gave me the chance to tell her something in return. You WERE NOT A BAD KID! YOU WERE A WONDEFUL DAUGHTER. YOU STILL ARE! YOU WILL ALWAYS BE TO ME!! We all go thru the things we do as a kid to get to the places we are meant to be, and that’s all you were doing. Yes, somethings hurt, but that’s life! The hurtful things that do happen, only serve to make you appreciate the wonderful moments that come later, like YESTERDAY!!

To be honest with you all, I know now that my Mom has spent the last 24 years looking down at me and telling me “stop worrying over the little things, because thats what they are – LITTLE!” and she would be right. 24 years ago, I certainly couldnt look at  it that way. Now, my daughter, my precious angel, my firstborn carbon copy of me, is doing the same thing. Huni, dont sweat the small stuff! Believe me, I don’t. I am so proud of you. I told you once that you were one of the best ‘choices’ or decisions I ever made, and I stand by that. You said you were thankful that I was as forgiving as I am? Baby, when you love someone as much as I love you, it’s so easy! it’s an no-brainer.  Everyone at that table yesterday has such a special place in my heart, for all kinds of reasons. I know that in order to get thru life, we all have a learning curve, and we stumble and fall sometimes. Thats how we learn, and judging by the number of times I have stumbled or fallen, I should be very intelligent! I don’t know how true that is, but I know this for sure. To forgive may be Devine, but it’s also very healing. How sad, dreary, and empty would our lives be if we never forgave? The Lord knows what he’s talking about here! (DUH!)

I am happy that all of my children have forgiven me the mistakes I made raising them. And mostly the Lord and I  know how many there were!! I look back on what I can remember, and Heather, sometimes I wonder that you would want to claim me as your Mother! But I am so very happy you have forgiven me for my mistakes as well. Believe me, I wasnt always sure you would! You, or your brother or sister!

You know something? The party was fun and I’m glad we did it. But the best part of the day was the gift of love that went around that table yesterday morning. Nothing store bought can beat that – it’s the best birthday gift I’ve ever received in all my 50 years. Thank you girls.  I love you all.

CHANCES…

I said I was gonna use this to post some of my poetry, and this time I am specifically for that reason. 

This is a poem I wrote, and I really like it. The person it was written for seemed to like it, and I think it is one of the best ones I have written. A little long, but when I write, I write til it feels finished. 

I hope you like it. 

Chances 

I had my life all settled

My routines all down pat

My work, the kids, my friends

My home life – and all that. 

I didn’t look for anything

I didn’t want the hurt.

Everytime I’ve tried I’ve lost

So all I’ve done is flirt.

They say that’s when it happens

When you’re least expecting it

You walked into my life that night

And the flame of hope was lit.

It felt like lightening in my soul

The charge that went through me.

I was shakey, weak, I couldn’t breathe,

You brought me to my knees.

No one has knocked at my hearts door

In a very long, long time.

I wasn’t prepared for what you did

Now my heart is no longer mine.

I know that you’re not ready

To travel down this course.

I don’t think I am either

I fear it ends in more remorse.

It’s been a roller coaster ride

This trip you’ve taken me on.

I’m happy, sad, I’ve laughed and cried.

And that flame? It still burns long….

You think I’m betting on us?

NO WAY!! I’m scared to death.

I only know I can’t let go

And I cannot catch my breath.

Now you must leave and go away

For several weeks at least

That’s got me all in turmoil

And I can find no peace.

You should know – that when you leave

You take a part of me.

I hope it’s something that you want

Maybe something that you need?

I can’t tell you what I feel for you

I’m not sure I can admit that yet

I only know you changed my life

That first night that we met.

I also hope that while you’re gone

In the time that we’re apart

I’ll cross your mind – be in your thoughts

Maybe in your heart.

I know I’ll be waiting for my phone to ring

And with everyday that passes

You’ll be in my thoughts and on my mind

In daydreams and in flashes.

I know that nothing’s guaranteed

And maybe this will spoil it

But I had to tell you that I care

Cuz I’m sure that you have seen it.

I cannot hide my feelings

I’m like an open book,

And I hope this won’t push you away

This crazy chance I took.

The time we’ve had together

Has sent my life just spinning

I know I don’t want to lose you

Could this be just a beginning?

UPDATE…(ON MY BIRTHDAY)

Well, I got past it. My birthday that is. Altho there are a few who won’t let me forget, Thank you Matt!! He reminds me constantly that not only am I old, I am also fat. LOL  This is a game we play he and I. Yes, I’m old, but no I am not fat. He’s teasing me because I am on a diet. I am down to 130, and that’s not so bad, but he just has to keep reminding me that I am on a diet, therefore I must be fat. 

My huni is in New Zealand til the 19th of this month. I am so envious. I would love to go there just to see the country, and say I have been there. I have googled New Zealand, and in particular ChristChurch, which is where he went. Man, it’s beautiful! I think he is very fortunate to have the chance to go. He might have gone on his own, I don’t know. As it was, he had a chance to go for work, and for him that’s the best reason to do anything.  I am happy for him, I miss him, I want him home, but at the same time, I want him to enjoy himself. Brat!!

My job search continues. Still without much in the way of prospects. I can’t believe this. I’ve never had this problem getting a job before. It’s beginning to snowball real badly. My tags on my car will expire next month, and so will my insurance. This is not looking good.

I have a packet coming from the state on taking a civil service exam for the post office.  I have alot of hopes pinned on that.  I would not mind working for the post office at all. Good bene’s, very decent pay! Lord knows I need a break. but it cost me $130 I didn’t really have. That was part of my rent!! My landlord is getting nervous!!

Well this is my update for now. I have been kinda down in the dumps lately which has made this sorta hard. I don’t know what to write, and don’t wanna sound down here.  Hopefully things will improve here shortly. I sure need them to.