The end of month one….

Well, here we go. Month 1 of being single with no one again.  God I hate my life. My unemployment is running out, I have two checks left then I am done.  I still have no job, and no good prospects either. How low have I sunk? My daughter actually got me signed up on two different dating websites, but since I have no money, I cant even talk to the guys. But even that is depressing. The first 3 men I match with almost ‘perfectly’ do not wish to meet me, talk to me, matter of fact they send me ‘No thanks, Not interested’ little messages. What does that tell you?

 

I spent the last several days at my daughters house, recovering from eye surgery. I had a cataract removed from my left eye.  The whole time I was there, I was pretty good, actually. As soon as I left there this morning, I got depressed, my stomach knotted up, and all I could do was imagine all the possibilities of running into him again.  What I would say, what he might say, how I would be strong, then break down. I imagined him at Matt and Rebecca’s wedding, running into him at wal-mart. It’s almost like once my mind takes off I can’t stop it. It just runs on it’s own. It was all I could do not to cry when I saw one of Walt’s trucks this afternoon. It was all I could do not to turn halfway around in my seat to look and see if it was him driving it.  I am going crazy.

There is this overwhelming feeling of sadness surrounding me. I feel like that was my last chance, and I blew it somehow. My chest is heavy, and I have no energy at all. All I want to do is sit here and look at his picture, and cry.

I have, in the last week, sent out 36 apps to Colorado Springs employers on craigslist and backpage.com.  I have also sent out over 150 to Denver employers, with about the same response. I actually had one lady call me back on an A/R-A/P position I applied for in Denver, and was informed that according to her employer, I and my skills are too old and out of date. I am not kidding, that is EXACTLY what she said.  I do know she looked at my resume however, because she asked me if I could ‘solder’ because she had a soldering position open.  Where on my resume would anyone see soldiering??

I told my landlord today that I had decided this last weekend to move back to Denver because I can’t seem to find a job and at least there I won’t be out on the street. I will however be living with my daughter and her family. Now mind you, I love my daughter and her family more than I can say. But I have lived alone for 6 yrs, and they have put up with me on occasion, sometimes for several days at a time. They are certain they want me to move in with them. I on the other hand, am not so certain they will feel this way after a few months. ShawnDe says she wants me to stay until their lease runs out to get back on my feet, caught up on my bills, etc. That will be next spring. I am so afraid that they will be so sick of me by then that I will ruin the relationship I have with them and they will be pushing me out the door. It is not easy to live with someone who is not your immediate family. When you are an adult, your mother is NOT your immediate family. How low have I stooped that I must depend on the good will and graciousness of my daughter and her family to keep from being on the streets?  

 

I can’t find a job, I can’t hold on to a man, I’m gonna lose my car, I am losing my apartment, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. My children can’t possibly respect me anymore, what’s to respect? I cant hold my own head up in public. Every good looking man I could possibly be interested in isn’t interested in me, not even the one I love, and who I am certain loves me.  Matter of fact, he’s scared to death of me so badly that he has to pretend he doesn’t like me now nor did he ever. Whatever.

 

I hurt so badly inside, and even this isn’t helping like it usually does. What in the world is wrong with me? Dale tells me that 95% of people withhold something of themselves when in a relationship. Maybe out of fear of rejection, because of past hurts, just because they want to and can.  According to him, and he would know, only about 5% of people in the world actually give unselfishly of themselves when in a relationship. He says I am one of the 5%, and that’s why I tend to be hurt more than other people and take it harder than most do. I thought everyone did it the same way. What other way is there? I don’t know of another way. I wish I did. I fall in love, I do it with everything I have, and that’s that. I thought that was the way you were supposed to do it. Well, it’s how I do it anyway.  For all the good it’s ever done me.

I am a failure, in my life, in my children’s eyes, in my love life. I have failed. I hate me.

 

Time for me to move on…

Well, as I knew it would, time has come for me to move on. No matter what I do or how I do it, the men who mean the most to me in my life, who aren’t related to me, manage to find a way to break my heart and make me feel like crap. Once again, it has happened.

I don’t understand it. He told me, point blank, on the phone, because he can’t say these things to my face, that I shouldn’t beat myself up over this, because I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, he’s right! I didn’t do anything wrong! This is all on him, plain and simple. I repeat, however, I still do not understand it.

He got too close. I scared the crap outta him, because he started feeling things for me that he didn’t want to and all of a sudden he was terrified. He told me that too. Not quite so nicely, but nonetheless. He blamed me for him feeling these things, and repeatedly told me he didn’t want do to that. Not my fault. I’m not in control of you or your feelings. I can only control me and my feelings. My bad was, as all of you who read my stuff know, I did fall in love with him. I wish I hadn’t. I really didn’t want to, but that’s something that I think we never have any control over. It happens because it is meant to happen. 

So, because he is scared of being hurt again, and because he is far too macho to express this and deal with it, he is no longer in my life. His choice.  I can only say – his loss too!  See, I know me, and I know what kind of a person I am. I know what he will be missing, and to be honest, I know he already is missing it, because he is being really mean to me over everything. I know what it means to me to love someone with everything that I have. I did this for him, without asking him for anything in return. Maybe that’s my problem, I didn’t ask for anything, I didn’t expect anything. I simply loved him.

I know that I will eventually get over it. I always do. That doesn’t make it any easier for me. I don’t want to get over it. I want – more than anything in the world – to find someone who will love me the way I love them. The way I want to love someone. With everything I have in me, someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated – like a queen – and allow me to be who I am and still love me. Someone who will allow me to love him – and treat him like a king, the way I want to treat a man. He has to be one who deserves it though. Man oh man, are they rare.

At my age – I’m thinking my chances are not good.   Sucks to be me.

So I have one more little poetry bit to add to this last post for him;

 

 

Pain on Paper

 

My fingers start to wrinkle

From the wiping of my tears

They fall down on this paper

And the ink begins to smear

 

I just continue writing

I have to get this down

My thoughts all seem to haunt me

And they make me hold this frown

 

So I write of all my heartache

My losses and their stains

My recent love and memories

The breakup and its pains

 

I write the lack of effort

That you used to steal my heart

You used that same exact amount

To rip it all apart

 

I write of how you hurt me

And how you could’ve hurt me worse

I write of how I tried so hard

But conjured up a curse

 

I write of how I pleaded

I was lost without your trust

But I guess your feelings for me

In time have gathered dust

 

I want to write of how I feel

And tell you what’s in my heart

I want to show you that I care

But you’ll tear me all apart

 

Go off and do what you mean to do

And leave me here alone

I fear you will not miss me

My love will die all on its own

 

Maybe one day, when your anger fades

And time turns down your thoughts

You’ll remember how you loved me

And want back what you have lost?

 

I write of just how hard its been

To say my last goodbye

And then I finally end my words

But still – I wonder why?