Time for me to move on…

Well, as I knew it would, time has come for me to move on. No matter what I do or how I do it, the men who mean the most to me in my life, who aren’t related to me, manage to find a way to break my heart and make me feel like crap. Once again, it has happened.

I don’t understand it. He told me, point blank, on the phone, because he can’t say these things to my face, that I shouldn’t beat myself up over this, because I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, he’s right! I didn’t do anything wrong! This is all on him, plain and simple. I repeat, however, I still do not understand it.

He got too close. I scared the crap outta him, because he started feeling things for me that he didn’t want to and all of a sudden he was terrified. He told me that too. Not quite so nicely, but nonetheless. He blamed me for him feeling these things, and repeatedly told me he didn’t want do to that. Not my fault. I’m not in control of you or your feelings. I can only control me and my feelings. My bad was, as all of you who read my stuff know, I did fall in love with him. I wish I hadn’t. I really didn’t want to, but that’s something that I think we never have any control over. It happens because it is meant to happen. 

So, because he is scared of being hurt again, and because he is far too macho to express this and deal with it, he is no longer in my life. His choice.  I can only say - his loss too!  See, I know me, and I know what kind of a person I am. I know what he will be missing, and to be honest, I know he already is missing it, because he is being really mean to me over everything. I know what it means to me to love someone with everything that I have. I did this for him, without asking him for anything in return. Maybe that’s my problem, I didn’t ask for anything, I didn’t expect anything. I simply loved him.

I know that I will eventually get over it. I always do. That doesn’t make it any easier for me. I don’t want to get over it. I want - more than anything in the world - to find someone who will love me the way I love them. The way I want to love someone. With everything I have in me, someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated - like a queen - and allow me to be who I am and still love me. Someone who will allow me to love him - and treat him like a king, the way I want to treat a man. He has to be one who deserves it though. Man oh man, are they rare.

At my age - I’m thinking my chances are not good. :(  Sucks to be me.

So I have one more little poetry bit to add to this last post for Mr Alan Smith.

 

 

Pain on Paper

 

My fingers start to wrinkle

From the wiping of my tears

They fall down on this paper

And the ink begins to smear

 

I just continue writing

I have to get this down

My thoughts all seem to haunt me

And they make me hold this frown

 

So I write of all my heartache

My losses and their stains

My recent love and memories

The breakup and its pains

 

I write the lack of effort

That you used to steal my heart

You used that same exact amount

To rip it all apart

 

I write of how you hurt me

And how you could’ve hurt me worse

I write of how I tried so hard

But conjured up a curse

 

I write of how I pleaded

I was lost without your trust

But I guess your feelings for me

In time have gathered dust

 

I want to write of how I feel

And tell you what’s in my heart

I want to show you that I care

But you’ll tear me all apart

 

Go off and do what you mean to do

And leave me here alone

I fear you will not miss me

My love will die all on its own

 

Maybe one day, when your anger fades

And time turns down your thoughts

You’ll remember how you loved me

And want back what you have lost?

 

I write of just how hard its been

To say my last goodbye

And then I finally end my words

But still - I wonder why?