The end of month one….

Well, here we go. Month 1 of being single with no one again.  God I hate my life. My unemployment is running out, I have two checks left then I am done.  I still have no job, and no good prospects either. How low have I sunk? My daughter actually got me signed up on two different dating websites, but since I have no money, I cant even talk to the guys. But even that is depressing. The first 3 men I match with almost ‘perfectly’ do not wish to meet me, talk to me, matter of fact they send me ‘No thanks, Not interested’ little messages. What does that tell you?

 

I spent the last several days at my daughters house, recovering from eye surgery. I had a cataract removed from my left eye.  The whole time I was there, I was pretty good, actually. As soon as I left there this morning, I got depressed, my stomach knotted up, and all I could do was imagine all the possibilities of running into him again.  What I would say, what he might say, how I would be strong, then break down. I imagined him at Matt and Rebecca’s wedding, running into him at wal-mart. It’s almost like once my mind takes off I can’t stop it. It just runs on it’s own. It was all I could do not to cry when I saw one of Walt’s trucks this afternoon. It was all I could do not to turn halfway around in my seat to look and see if it was him driving it.  I am going crazy.

There is this overwhelming feeling of sadness surrounding me. I feel like that was my last chance, and I blew it somehow. My chest is heavy, and I have no energy at all. All I want to do is sit here and look at his picture, and cry.

I have, in the last week, sent out 36 apps to Colorado Springs employers on craigslist and backpage.com.  I have also sent out over 150 to Denver employers, with about the same response. I actually had one lady call me back on an A/R-A/P position I applied for in Denver, and was informed that according to her employer, I and my skills are too old and out of date. I am not kidding, that is EXACTLY what she said.  I do know she looked at my resume however, because she asked me if I could ‘solder’ because she had a soldering position open.  Where on my resume would anyone see soldiering??

I told my landlord today that I had decided this last weekend to move back to Denver because I can’t seem to find a job and at least there I won’t be out on the street. I will however be living with my daughter and her family. Now mind you, I love my daughter and her family more than I can say. But I have lived alone for 6 yrs, and they have put up with me on occasion, sometimes for several days at a time. They are certain they want me to move in with them. I on the other hand, am not so certain they will feel this way after a few months. ShawnDe says she wants me to stay until their lease runs out to get back on my feet, caught up on my bills, etc. That will be next spring. I am so afraid that they will be so sick of me by then that I will ruin the relationship I have with them and they will be pushing me out the door. It is not easy to live with someone who is not your immediate family. When you are an adult, your mother is NOT your immediate family. How low have I stooped that I must depend on the good will and graciousness of my daughter and her family to keep from being on the streets?  

 

I can’t find a job, I can’t hold on to a man, I’m gonna lose my car, I am losing my apartment, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. My children can’t possibly respect me anymore, what’s to respect? I cant hold my own head up in public. Every good looking man I could possibly be interested in isn’t interested in me, not even the one I love, and who I am certain loves me.  Matter of fact, he’s scared to death of me so badly that he has to pretend he doesn’t like me now nor did he ever. Whatever.

 

I hurt so badly inside, and even this isn’t helping like it usually does. What in the world is wrong with me? Dale tells me that 95% of people withhold something of themselves when in a relationship. Maybe out of fear of rejection, because of past hurts, just because they want to and can.  According to him, and he would know, only about 5% of people in the world actually give unselfishly of themselves when in a relationship. He says I am one of the 5%, and that’s why I tend to be hurt more than other people and take it harder than most do. I thought everyone did it the same way. What other way is there? I don’t know of another way. I wish I did. I fall in love, I do it with everything I have, and that’s that. I thought that was the way you were supposed to do it. Well, it’s how I do it anyway.  For all the good it’s ever done me.

I am a failure, in my life, in my children’s eyes, in my love life. I have failed. I hate me.