Mama? Are you there? (updated 4-17-08)

January 13, 2008 

I just want this page to talk to you. I miss you and the long talks we used to have. I miss everything about you.  

 Today has been really hard for me. Yesterday was too. This whole weekend. But today was the worst. We buried you 24 yrs ago today. I can’t believe it’s been 24 yrs! You have been gone half of my life! I have no idea how I got this far. Losing you was like someone blowing a hole right through me, and that hole has never been filled. How could it be? That was the only way I could describe it at the time, and it still seems to fit. Oh yeah, ’skin’ grew back over the hole - it doesn’t show to the world as a hole. But don’t poke at it too hard. It’s very thin – like the barrier I imagine there is between you and I now – the one that keeps me from seeing and hearing you – but NOT from feeling you. I feel you all the time.

I wish you could be here to see your grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I know that you do see them, but it’s not the same. I wish for them to know YOU. Bud and ShawnDe don’t remember you! ShawnDe a little bit, but not much, and Bud of course not at all. Heather does, but her memories are sketchy.  How unfair is that? The most important person of my youth and formative years, and in many ways, in my whole life – and God took you from me so early. I know He had a good reason – but no matter what it was, it wasn’t good enough. I don’t mean to sound angry with Him. I’m not anymore. I was for a very, very long time, I know. But no more. I’m just sad at what you were not able to see, to experience, to enjoy! I am sad at the loss of the lessons I had left to learn from you, the wisdom I was too selfish in my youth  to accept. I never fully appreciated you, and as a result I took you far too much for granted, thinking I would always be able to catch up later. WOW! What an idiot! If there were only one thing in the whole world that we could go back and undo – not a day – or an incident – but one mistake we made  – it would be that I would be so much better of a daughter.  I would never have hurt you, said or done anything at all that could possibly have hurt you. I would never have back talked you, or been disrespectful. I would have been the perfect daughter – and maybe if I had not caused you so much grief and stress – you would have lived longer? Who knows. (The only thing I did that I wouldn’t take back Mama, is Heather. I don’t think you’d want me to either!)

I’m sorry I wasn’t a better kid. I’m sorry I got so busy as an adult. I miss you so very much. They say time heals all wounds? NO IT DOESN’T! I’ll never be completely over losing you. How could I be? You were my best friend, my mother, my teacher, my protector, my first mentor, my everything!! How does one lose all that, and so much more, and get over it? I never figured it out, and I never will.

You would be so proud of Ed and Mike! They are both wonderful men! And that’s all your doing. I am so proud of them both. I know you are too, but I had to say that.

I have got to be a disappointment to you at this stage of my life and I know it. I am sorry. I have made nothing of myself. Done nothing with my life – except have 3 beautiful children whom I am very very proud of – and don’t get me wrong – I am not sorry at all. I just think I should have been a better example for them. I should still be. I am not. I am a sorry excuse for what a parent should be.

I have a friend who jokingly calls me the cat lady of Fountain, becuz I live alone with a cat. Used to be two, but now is one. Doesn’t that just give you a great visual?  LOL Some inspiration I am to anyone, let alone my children. I am not in a good place just now. My life is terrible. I have many many things I am thankful for and God knows I am.  But right now things just aren’t going the way they should be. I can’t even find a job. I have a man I love, and this time I think a good and stable one. But how much can the man respect me if I can’t even take care of me? Man, I am in sorry shape.

More later Mama. I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten all day, and I guess I better. I’ll be back later to talk to you more, OK? I love you, Mama. Always have. Always will.  

 Sunday night  9:30pm

Ok, I’m back. I feel better now that I ate.

I wonder sometimes what you think of us. Me and the boys. Mike says he still feels you sometimes as do I. Ed went to a reader a while back - last year as a matter of fact. He swore the lady had you just nailed. Mannerisms and all. A lady like John Edwards, only Ed doesn’t like him. I don’t know why. I was so jealous. I wanted to be there too. I would do anything to talk to you once more. Just to tell you I love you again. To try to tell you how much. Everyone tells me you know, but thats not good enough. I need to tell you. I need to talk to you again.

I hurt so much today. Normally I can think about you and not cry. Not today tho. Today I feel like a little kid again, one whose lost in a huge store or mall, and cant find their Mother. I feel lost, deserted, abandoned. I feel so small and insignificant, like there is no one in the whole world who cares about me. Who cares that I am lost, or hurting, or scared, and just want my mama’s arms around me again, and her whispering in my ear that she’s here, and it will be ok. Only she’s not here, and it won’t ever be ok again.

I know that I am supposed to be an adult, and I suppose that I am. but there are just some things that never get past the little kid stage, and for me, needing you is one of them. When you died, I was still very much a kid. I would never have said that then, and I would have been insulted by anyone else who suggested that. But looking back now, I realize just how immature I was, in certain ways. Part of it was my conceit that I had the world by the tail, and I was swinging it hard. Little did I know it was swinging me! The other part was the worldly vision I had of us as a family. I was 25,  had 3 beautiful children, a husband who loved me and that I loved, we lived decently, not extravagently, but decently,  and I had friends, family, and what I thought was a good life. It was a good life!

But then my whole world came tumbling down that night, 24 yrs and 9 days ago. When Ed called me and said he couldn’t wake you.

Do you know, to this day, the last thing I remember about that night is that helicopter taking off from in front of your house. I don’t remember getting home. The next thing I remember is being at the hospital, and Kathy telling me to go home and eat and take a shower and try to sleep. You had been there like 2 or 3 days by then. The days all blend together so badly, I’m not sure. Then the day that we shut off the machines. I don’t know if you were still there by then or not. They told me you weren’t and I tried to take comfort from that. It didn’t help. Your skin was warm to the touch, and I was just sure you were there – somewhere – and if I talked to you enough, you would wake up and answer me.  You never did of course. Somehow I knew you wouldn’t, but it was so very hard to let go of your body. It felt like you were just asleep.

Sometime in the next 2 days, I wound up at the funeral home, with Georgia. Thank God for her. I wouldn’t have made it thru all of that without her. Then there was the funeral. I dont remember much at all between the two. I don’t remember what songs we played, or anything else, except the director asking me if it was as I wanted it. I guess it was. I don’t remember.

I don’t remember hardly anything about the next few months. The next clear memory I have is going to California. There is 9 mos of my life that I really don’t remember hardly anything at all. I don’t remember Bud’s first birthday, or ShawnDe’s 5th. I don’t think I even had one that year. You know what days in all that spring and summer I do remember? You will laugh. I remember Mothers Day, and your birthday. Only becuz they were both pure agony for me.

They still are to this day. Mothers Day is easier now that the kids are all parents and I can celebrate for them, and for how much I am glad I am their mother, and a Grandmother. Your birthday is very close to Kevin’s, whose is the 24th of May, and now we have Bud and Aubrey’s anniversary on the 19th of May. So May is becoming easier to handle. But those two days are still hell for me.

All I want is to tell you that I love you. That I have always loved you, that I always will love you. I never told you enough when you were alive, and that is part of the guilt that I have always carried with me. You never knew from me just how much I appreciated EVERYTHING you ever did for me. From day one. But there were certain things that I never ever thanked you for. Like not turning your back on me when I came home pregnant. Standing behind me when I told you I was keeping the baby. Defending me to everyone we knew when we announced my pregnancy. Being there when she was born. Loving me even tho I know I let you down, and I know you were disappointed in me. Being a wonderful mother, and grandmother to all my children. Helping me to graduate school. Just for loving me as you did. You were wonderful, and I never really appreciated you until it was too late. I am so sorry for that.

I want you to know that I learned my lesson on that score. I try so hard now to tell my kids and their kids how much I love them. I try to do this with everyone in my life. Except Alan. He’s not ready to hear that I love him yet, but in time he will be, I hope. Everyone else knows. I try not to let it slip at all if possible. I don’t want them to ever wonder how I felt about them. When someday I join you, I want them to be secure in the fact that I loved them. I never want them to doubt it. Any of them. 

It’s 11:30 now Mama, and I’m tired. It’s been a very long painful day for me, and I’m gonna try to sleep for a while. I love you. More deeply than I ever believed I could love someone I didn’t give birth to. You and the boys are the only people I love as much as I love my children and my grandchildren. It is the most unconditional love in the world. No matter how long it is until I see you again, it only continues to grow. My love for you will never die. I hope that it is just like Sam in the movie Ghost said it was… that you take your love with you when you go, becuz I have so much to give you when we meet again.

Your loving daughter,

Kristine

Monday January 14, 2008 1:30 am

Hi mama. I cant sleep. I have been reading and re-reading my site, and I got started looking at Joans’ site, and it brought back a memory I had from right after your funeral. I have always wanted to ask you about this, and someday I will. But I know the answer just as sure as I’m typing the question now.

Right after your funeral, one night when Terry was gone, and I couldn’t sleep, I was sitting up in bed and writing thank you notes for all the food and help and everything that we had had to help us thru all of the preceeding days.

It was amazing to me the outpooring of love, and comfort and help offered to me and Mike and Ed. Of course the boys left most of it to me, and Georgia, and Kathy and Teresa helped me out alot. I couldn’t tell you what they all did, but they were there, and I know without them I would have lost my mind. I do know that Kathy saw my kids more in those first two weeks of January than I did.  I don’t remember it I just know it.

Anyway, there I was tryin my darndest to write these thank you notes, and I remember I was cryin, and talkin to you at the same time. I don’t now remember exactly what I had said, but I am sure I was going on and on about how I couldn’t do this without you, and how sorry I was for everything I had ever done wrong, etc. (You know what I’m talkin about. I went thru this for what? 5 years after you died? Beating myself up for everything.) Well, this is what I’m getting at – Terry and I had a big old king sized waterbed then. I was sitting up in bed, all the pillows propped up behind me so I could write, not quite in the middle of the bed – about a foot and a half from the edge. Suddenly, while I am sitting there in bed, talking to you, I feel the water in the bed shift, and there, at the side of the bed, almost at the foot, is an indentation, exactly as it would be if someone had been sitting there. Only I saw no one, only the indentation in the mattress and the quilt. I remember this very clearly. I dont remember everything I said, but I do know that I said “Mama, is that you?” I also remember a feeling of peace that came over me, a total calm that I so badly needed right then. It was almost like a hug from you. Until today, the only person I ever told this to is Mike. ( I think. He’s the only one I remember telling) I remember telling you how much I loved you, how sorry I was for a bunch of stuff. Then I remember feeling like I was hearing your voice – telling me it would be ok, that you were fine, and not to worry so much, that you loved me. Only it wasn’t my ears hearing you, and I know that now as I knew it then. It was in my head. I don’t mean like I was crazy or anything, I mean I literally heard your voice in my head saying those things. To this day, I am as positive about this as I am anything else in my life. I KNOW you were there. I KNOW you hugged me. I KNOW you spoke to me. I can’t explain it any better than that and I don’t want to try. I KNOW what I KNOW. It’s never happened since, and thats fine. But I wanted to thank you for that. I know you are still around. I feel you sometimes. Every once in a while, I will see something in the outer edges of my periphial vision, and most times when I do, I get that same calm, peaceful feeling. I know it’s you. Even tho I can’t see you, or have a conversation with you, or hold you anymore, I know you never left us.

Oh, and by the way, It was a long time after your funeral that I finally realized that I went to the wrong funeral home. I am not even certain of the name of the funeral home you told me you wanted me to go to. All I remembered later was that you did NOT want Olingers to do it, and that’s exactly where I went. I am sorry, Mama. All I can say is I was not in my right mind,  and I was seriously running on auto-pilot. But somehow, I think you knew that.

Goodnight Mama

Kristine

Hi Mama!                                                   February 12, 08

Well, I have some good news for you tonight, Mama. I so wish you were here for me to talk to. I know you know what happened Saturday, but I just have to talk to you about it. It was SOOOOOOOO COOL!!

You know better than anyone, about all the things that I have hated myself for over the years.  The stuff that I was sure the kids hated me for, and how I was always afraid that they would never forgive me for? All the mistakes I made as they were growing up? (As I was growing up with them?) The times I lost my temper with them, and did the things a parent is supposed to do, but it’s so hard for us to do? LOL  I NEVER appreciated all that you went thru, all that I put you thru,  when I was growing up, til I was in your shoes. But then, something happened this weekend that made everything worth while.

I want you to know one thing. I still would give anything to be able to give this to you, but I know that you understand all this anyway.

This weekend the girls did a party for my birthday. My 50th! Imagine that! You’re first born, baby girl is 50! It feels weird.

This weekend, they gave me the best gift I could ever ask for. Matter of fact, I would never have asked for it, because if you have to ask for it, then it isn’t coming from where you want it to come from. This did.

I”ll spare you the details, because I know you know. I’m all in a tizzy over this, Mama. I have thought for years that I was a terrible mom. That I didn’t teach them all the things that I was supposed to, that I set bad examples for them, that I never had enough patience with them, and most of all, that they blamed me for their dad leaving. Everything that ever happened that was wrong or bad, I blamed me for.

I’ll do one better than that. Let’s go back to when I was a kid. Before I was even pregnant with Heather. I was still tearing myself up over things I did to you. You know this. I think at some point, I started taking blame for everything in the whole family.

It’s gotten better over the years, and I guess I really haven’t been as hard on myself as I used to be.  Over the years, things the kids have said and done have taken some of the edge off. I just never thought that they didn’t still blame me for everything I blamed me for. I found out this weekend, just how wrong I was.

I remember when I did this with you. I was about 18, I think, or 19 maybe. It was before I met Terry, I know that. Suddenly, you became my best friend. I don’t know how that happened exactly, or why. I just know it did. I used to laff and tell my kids all the time that the older they got, the smarter I would get. I knew this tho, because it happened with you and I! I had other friends, my age friends, but none of them was as good as you! That’s mainly the reason losing you hit me so hard! It seemed like I had just realized how important you were to me and then you were gone!

Without you there to tell me how to do it and when to do it, etc, I was so sure I was gonna screw it up. Well, guess what? I must have done something right. Even tho I remember so well so many things I did wrong, they are pulling a ‘me’ and worrying about the things they think THEY did wrong.  ShawnDe has talked to me about this before. So has Bud, just a little bit. This weekend, I got the shock of my life. Heather has turned into me too! She told me this weekend she thought she was a bad daughter. She was doing such a good imitation of me, telling me this, that for a second I almost thought it was me. She said she was happy that I was so forgiving of her – and Mama! My heart I swear stopped for a second – and then it filled up with so much love for her, I didn’t know I could feel more for any of them than I already did – until then. At that same moment I realized, after 24 years, how you felt every time I said I was sorry, and how upset I know you had to be when I spent God knows how many years tearing myself down over the mistakes I made with you, the times I had hurt you, in words, in deeds, with disappointments – with EVERYTHING! I suddenly knew, in that one moment, that as easily and quickly as I have always forgiven my kids for anything they ever did or said that hurt my feelings, that was how easily and quickly you always forgave me for those same things! I have for a long time been tryin to put myself in your shoes to understand so many things, but somehow I missed this one! I don’t know how I did, but I did, and now that I have finally figured it out, I feel kinda stupid! lol 

I have at times thought that you were robbed of so much, and that too was my fault, because I had the time to tell you, to show you how much I loved you, how much you meant to me, and I didn’t do it. At least, I never thought I did. I never thought I did it right, lets put it that way. Then there was the kids. I didn’t blame myself for this part, but I still was angry at what you didn’t get to experience. You were such a good grandma to my children. I was, and still am sad that you weren’t able to enjoy them longer. ‘Specially now that I know what it is to be a grandmother. I know what you missed.

The one thing I didn’t get was how your children would continue to grow in your heart. I always thought that I couldn’t possibly love them more than I did. But everyday, even NOW, it still happens. I don’t know where it comes from, or how, it just does. I’ve always known that my love for them was completely unconditional. I am sorry that I didn’t realize that yours for me was also unconditional. I knew you loved me, but for some reason, since I couldn’t forgive myself for the things that I had done to hurt you, I guess I just didn’t think you really would either. Forgive and forget, right? NOT! (at least not for me) I have done you a dis-service. I believed that the things I did to you were so wrong, so terrible, that even tho you loved me, you couldn’t forgive me, so I shouldn’t forgive me either. I believed that they were forgotten, so to speak, but unforgivable.

It will always hurt me to know that I hurt you. I can think of so many things, so many times. I always thought, after you were gone, that I was such a terrible daughter. That’s what made me realize all this, when Heather said that to me. That she thought she had been a bad daughter. ShawnDe has said that same thing to me. It so surprised me, because I had never thought that of either of them! That’s what made me realize you never thought that of me either. Oh we have all 4 had our rough times, but it was never like that, for me with them, or me with you. I know that now.

The saying “We are our own worst enemy” is so true. Conscience is a good thing, but guilt really sucks! Why is it so damn easy to forgive the people we love, and so hard to forgive ourselves? Why do we do that? If someone we love did something to us that we had done to someone else we loved, we would forgive them in a heartbeat, but hold ourselves as unworthy of that same forgiveness, for God knows how long. I have done this!! For way too long, I have done this.

I am still sorry for all the things that I think I have done wrong. I will always be sorry for them. But no way am I going to let my girls, or my son, do to themselves what I have done to me. I am not gonna go on kicking my own ass for those things either. I told them that these mistakes we make are the learning tools that teach us – that make us into the people we were meant to be. I believe that, of them, for them, and now for me too. Why I should have ever thought that the things I believe to be true for them shouldn’t also be true for me, or for you either, I don’t know. I guess my blonde is showing…. has been for a long time. 

I so want them to know that I don’t hold anything against any of them for anything. Now I know that what they have all told me about not hating me for my mistakes, not holding grudges against me for all my stupidity, for not thinking I was a bad Mother - they meant it all! I think I was afraid they were all just saying these things to make me feel better, because God knows I couldn’t forgive me for it, so why the hell should they? But they really have! I am amazed, and grateful, and thankful, and so very happy!!

I have always hoped this would happen. I never expected it to. ShawnDe told me once, not too long ago actually, that she thought I was a cool mom. That she like me hanging out with her and Kevin and the kids. Aubrey and Bud have said the same thing, in slightly different ways. Heather has said somethings to me that just blew me away. She told me not too long ago, as well, that I was beautiful to her, and I always would be. She thinks I am couragous! ME! She actually used that word! Aubrey told me I was a great mother-in-law. (This came from the worlds BEST DAUGHTER-IN-LAW!!) Bud  wrote me a poem years ago, that I still have, that says he thinks I am a great Mother, and that no matter what happens, he will always love me.

How do I rate all of this? Some part of me still feels unworthy of all this, and I am thinking that maybe you understand that feeling. You do, don’t you? And yet, in my eyes, and in my heart, ( and I know I also speak for the boys), you were the best mother!! I know when I was younger I didn’t think so, but I know now that I was wrong. Kids usually are. You were wonderful, and I could not have asked for a better mother, and I am so very glad God gave me to you.

Somehow, for some reason, I am fortunate enough that my kids feel the same way about me, don’t they? I couldn’t let myself hope that someday they would, and in spite of myself they do.  They don’t see me as I see me. I see me as an old, out of date, in the way mother, that misses her kids, and mostly doesnt feel needed or necessary anymore. Sometimes, I am still afraid that they only let me tag along to humor me, and that they really don’t want me around, or that I am a pain in the ass to them.  

Ya know whats ironic about that? No one remembers you the way Mike and I do either. When we think of you, we remember you as you were when we were little kids. I still have your graduation picture, held safely in a dreamcatcher, over my bed. Thats how I remember you. Mike has the same picture of you on his mantle, over his fireplace. He’s told me thats how he remembers you too. I’m not sure exactly how Ed remembers you, but I know that he does, and just as fondly as Mike and I do. I also know that that is not how you saw yourself at the end. I wish you had. I wish I had made you feel that way.

I want them to remember how I looked when I was younger, but how I acted when I was older. I like the person that I am now much better than the person I was 15 or 20 years ago. But I liked the way I looked back then much better. LOL go figure.

As we get older, some things make more sense than they did before. I used to think I was a failure as a parent because I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave my children a huge fortune, or a lot of material things when I died. The material things have become less important to me lately. I have a friend who sends me the most wonderful emails. She is a sister in Christ, and the stuff she sends me moves me so much. Alot of it has really made me think too, about stuff I never really wanted to think about before. Much of it has changed the way I have always thought about life. Stuff like, it’s not the things you leave behind that count as much as the people whose lives you have touched. Don’t count your life by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away! These have a new and important meaning to me these days.

I somehow did this mostly right apparently, although I have absolutely no idea how. If you’re a total screw up as a parent, your children don’t love you and forgive you your mistakes. I do know people who had or have parents that they do not get along with, don’t like, don’t respect, don’t talk to, and a few they don’t love. I can’t imagine how that would be. I don’t want to. Whats more – I can’t imagine being that parent. How awful would it be to know your children felt that way about you?

I am so thankful to have had you in my life, because without you, I would not have become the person that I am, nor would my children be the people that they are. I would not have the love in my life that I do, from my family, or my friends. Without that, my life would be nothing. Because of that my life is a blessing!  

This probably sounds a little dramatic, but it really is true. I feel like I have reached a new level in my life. Taking myself down from my self imposed pedestal, and understanding that no one else has held me to my own unrealistic expectations, is very freeing. I have told people in my life for years that they should not be so hard on themselves. I have never been very good at taking my own advice. I think it’s way past time that I did.

Love you Mama.

Kristine.

 

April 17-08

 

Hi Mama,

Sorry it’s been a while since I talked to you. There has been alot of stuff going on, and I am sure you know about it. Your daughter is at the very least, the most gullible woman in the world, but for some reason, mama, I just cant stop. I don’t think I know how. I keep reaching for something that just doesn’t exist for me. My heart hurts so much right now. It’s not the racking, heart wrenching pain it was when Terry and I split up, or when Ron and I broke up. It’s more of a deep, almost unbearable sadness that comes in waves and wont let go of me. I keep thinking, if he just knew how much I loved him, it would change his heart, if he only knew just how deep it went, he wouldn’t feel this way towards me, he wouldn’t be afraid of his feelings, he would trust me. I know this time it is not my fault, yet that does nothing to alleviate my pain. It almost makes it worse, because I know how helpless I am. It is out of my control, it is all on him, yet I find no comfort in that. You know me, mama. I would have done anything to make him happy, but I realize now I can’t make him happy, because he is not happy within himself. I would have given him all the love I have in me for him and I will guarantee his ex’s never loved him like I would have, but he wouldn’t let me. He loved me, but he couldn’t deal with it, it frightened him too much. I know where he is at in that, because I too am afraid, and everytime I love someone I get screwed. I always know I will. I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t let myself love him, because I knew it wasn’t gonna last, I couldn’t make it work on my own. I tried so hard to talk myself out of it, but it happened anyway. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to put myself in this position, this was the one thing that I was most afraid of. Your daughter is an idiot.

I have a really good friend who has told me for certain that there is not another woman, and ya know, I knew that there wasn’t. It was just something that he popped up with because he didn’t want to answer his fathers question honestly. I know that there is a huge part of him that doesn’t want to let me go, because I KNOW that he does love me. A woman knows when a man loves her. We have all seen that look in their eyes, we know by the way they touch us, they way they speak to us, they way they hold us or kiss us, WE KNOW DAMN IT!! I know he does, and the last time he and I were together here and we talked, I could see it in his eyes, and hear it in his voice, I could feel it in his hands, in his kisses. It was stronger then than it had ever been before, and he just held me, stroking my hair, talking to me about all kinds of things, little day to day things. He didn’t want to go to work in the morning any more than I wanted him to go, and Alan always wants to go to work! I think he might have known that day that he wasn’t coming back, or maybe within a few days of that day. I think so because I think it was that night he realized that he did love me.

How sad is it to have two men fall in love with you and leave you BECAUSE they fell in love with you? I don’t think I know of another woman anywhere, that can say she has had that happen to her! Great! I am another oddity. LOL Maybe ShawnDe is right and I should become a bitch, but I do not think I know how to do that. It’s not part of me. Don’t get me wrong, I can get mad, and I did get mad at him, and I told him a few things that maybe I shouldn’t have but I was angry, and hurt! He hurt me. I didn’t deserve that. I did nothing to deserve him hurting me! So yes I struck back, for one brief moment. But the things I said were all true, calling him an asshole to him isn’t an insult, he has told me that many times, and until last Tuesday, even tho he may have deserved it, I wouldn’t have called him that. Tuesday I did. He deserved it then. I still love him tho, it doesn’t change anything. Asshole or not. No man is perfect, neither is any woman. I can honestly say that this time I didn’t do anything wrong, except love him, and this isn’t even about that. It’s about his feelings, his thoughts. Not mine. He is the one who is afraid to love someone. I know all about that. I was afraid to love him too. Loving him wasn’t wrong, loving someone isn’t ever wrong, but it was the wrong thing for me to do. I was vulnerable, and so badly wanted someone to love me. I wanted someone to love also. I have always wanted someone to love. i will always want someone to love. I will never get that tho, I don’t think. I don’t think it is in the cards for me. I wish I could believe it was. It’s the one thing I have wanted all my life and have never had and don’t think I ever will. I have thought I had it a couple of times, but I was wrong. I should not think.

I know this time I will get over this easier than the last couple of times. I swore I wouldn’t let another man destroy me again, and this wont. But I think this time it is because I am so certain that I did nothing wrong. I know and have known for a while I think that he wasn’t gonna make a place in his life for me, even tho he told his daughter that I was his girlfriend. He just couldn’t get himself to take that step. He wants to, I believe that too, because if he didn’t he wouldn’t have come as far as he did with me. But it just got too close, and he was too afraid. He may never be able to make that step again. It’s his loss. He has no idea what he just threw away. I do, you do. He may never know. Again his loss.

I am tired and need to get to bed. Thanks Mama. I love you.

Kristine