Here I go again… :)

 Well, here I am back again! I just keep turning up, like a bad penny! LOL

Things in my life are on the move again. It seems like God never lets me rest. lol  and yet here I was complaining not too long ago that He wasn’t doing anything. He was, just as I always knew He was, just in HIS time frame, not mine.

Alan and Marty are long gone, and good riddance. As much as what they did hurt, now I am just as happy that I have God on my side, and He has seen fit to protect me from myself, yet again, and keep me looking.  In December I did something that I swore I wasn’t gonna do anymore. I got on another damn dating website. Only, after Match, I was thinking that I was looking for the right guy in the wrong places. So I sat down one night, made a list of the things that were important to me, and that I refused to do without again. Top of that list was God. I spent far too much of my life without God in it, and he wasn’t present in my marriages either. So God was/is my top priority in a new relationship. Then the rest of that list was just like it always has been; Honesty, compassion, loyalty, fidelity, etc. Those of you who know me can fill in the rest of the blanks.

Once I had this in place, then I’m thinking, where to look?  I sorta scanned the general dating websites and didn’t like what I saw, and I’m not paying for E-Harmony. So I stopped looking. ShawnDe had been telling me for a while – “Give it to God – let him handle it.” So I had really been trying since November to do just that. Leave it in Gods’ hands. When I caught myself looking at dating sites again, I just told myself no! you’re NOT doing this.

Well, now this is the weird part.  For like a week straight, I kept seeing this link come up on my email page for ChristianMingle.com. I had never heard of the site, and it wasn’t in my google search I did. I went into it twice, just kinda looking. Then I asked God point blank – “is this what you want me to do?” The silly link kept showing up on my email home page, instead of the ‘Lose 300 lbs in 3 days’ or ‘Let us fix your taxes’ or ‘get all 3 credit scores for free’. So I thought ok, I’ll go look.  I kinda did a general search to see who was out there. Nothing that was really note worthy. But as any good website would do, it tells me, “set up your profile so we can match you better!” I laughed, but I did it.

 

 

Then I forgot about it for like 3 weeks or so. I finally got a hit, a guy from Nevada I think. Oh Boy! Then for some reason I still cannot explain, I paid for a membership. only 3 mos, but still……… Am I a glutton for punishment or what? Then I let it go.

Like 3 days later, I get a hit from this guy in Montrose. Well, Montrose isn’t that far away – not like Utah, or Nevada, or Florida. So I think ok, I’ll check him out.

WOW!! The first picture he had on there was such a strikingly good picture, I was enthralled with it. I couldn’t quit looking at it! I know that sounds funny, but its true! I read his whole profile, front to back. I’ve never done that before. Then I read it again. I would have bet money that this guy wasn’t for real. So much so, I sent him a smile. He smiled back! Then I read his profile again, and there was this little thing on the page asking ‘Do you think you match?” I said yes. I think it was like the next day, I get something from the site that says he said yes too. Ok, now what?  lol

So we started talking in email. He said the sweetest stuff, and complimented me. He said I sounded excited, and that made him smile. I was excited!! There was something about his guy!

His profile name is Painted Star. l cannot explain this either, but I just had a feeling that this name was significant. I still haven’t asked him what thats all about. I want to, I just keep forgetting. But from his first email, I was excited! I was checking my email every day to see if he had answered me. I sent him two more, just to make sure he knew I was interested. LOL

We made one date, a week ago Sunday, and it didn’t quite work out. But then he asked me if he could see me on Tuesday. I said yes. We met for dinner, and I swear to you, it was like I had known this man all my life. It was the weirdest thing.

On first dates or blind dates, there is always pauses, awkward silences, where you don’t know what to do or say. We never had one. All night. When the restaurant was closing down, we stood outside, in the parking lot, next to my car, and talked for another hour! I didn’t want to leave! He didn’t either, I could tell. 

Since then we have had 2 more dates, one of them was at church, and spent hours on the phone.  He is a huge animal lover, particularly horses, he is into anything Native American, as am I. And his spirit guide is a black wolf! Mine is a grey wolf! 

If there is such a thing as a soul mate, and I believe there is….. I believe he may just be mine. Matter of fact, I am sure of it.  ( I can hear you all laffing!) I know that when my kids find this out, they will probably pooh-pooh it, and my brother will give me a world of crap – just like I gave him over Cherie. But this man is amazing!

His name is Rick Hawks, and he is an absolutly wonderful man. I cannot believe that someone so like me is out there. But he is and he is here. In my world. 

In less than a week after meeting him, he has met my family, and tenatively been ‘approved.’ Pepi likes him well enough that she has told me if I would like to invite him over for dinner, feel free. I think I would like to do that. I would like for him to be comfortable around my family. Bob and Pepi certainly are family. 

Now I know what you are all thinking…….. ‘Whoa Mom!  Slow down a bit!’ But what ya’ll don’t understand is, this feels more right than anything else has in years!  Sometimes I think that it’s moving waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too damn fast, and other times I wish it would hurry up and catch up with us. 

I talked to God again tonight, and asked for His guidance. I want to do this His way. Every other relationship I’ve had has not had Him in it, and I want Him in this one. Rick agrees with me.  Boy!  There’s a first for me! I can see what I am certain is comimg, and I think it will be quick and it will shock my family. Hell, it’s gonna shock me. Maybe. But I do not want to rush this, or get caught up in a whirlwind of emotion and reaction, that I cannot control. That WE cannot control. This relationship will be a partnership unlike anything I have ever had or experienced, and I want it to be that way. But I want it to be the way God wants it to be more. I left this in His hands to find him, and I intend to leave it in His hands to keep him as well. 

We have made plans already, for things we would like to do. Things we intend to do. I feel it in my soul that this man is for real. He is not a player like all the others. He is God sent. I beleive that. I am thankful for that. My prayers have been answered. Thank you Lord, for the one you have sent. Thank you for blessing me yet again. Me, your humble unworthy servant. Amen.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Hello again! Yes I am back. Just for a short. So much has happened in my life the last 8 mos, and I have not had full access to my computer, so this will have to be a short update.

Happy Birthday to me! As much as I did not want to celebrate this birthday, it has turned into a wonderful one for me. It is amazing just how special the everyday can become with the love of family and friends. When I think back on this birthday, I will always smile.

I am 51 today. I woke up this morning not wanting to even think about today and what it meant. But the first words I heard this morning were from my dearest friend ever, Pepi, as she says ‘Happy Birthday!’ at 5 am! LOL  Within 2 hours I have had 5 people on my phone wishing me the same thing! Then I go to work, and try to tell myself ‘I can get thru this day if I keep my head down, and become invisible.’ But I work with Pepi, and she is not about to let that happen! She serenades me at my desk! Then one of the guys on the parts counter, Stormy, finds out it is my birthday, and gives me a wonderful birthday kiss!  Thank you Stormy!! Then Pepi tells my boss, Ed, who announces to the whole dealership that today is my birthday, and invites all who care to participate in joining him in wishing me sincere ‘condolences!!’ LOL

But this is not the last of it! Then she sends our service manager, Mark out to get me from the back 40, and almost drag me inside, where we all have a piece of birthday cake, which of course Pepi has made herself! Spice cake – of course! (She knows how I love spice cake!) Then, not to be outdone, Robert, one of our salesmen, cons me into sittin on his lap, (Which I would never turn down as he is very cute!), and the next thing I know, I am butt up in the air, waiting for a spanking! Thankfully, Jeremy was the only one in the warehouse at the time, and didn’t want to “beat on anything that old – I couldn’t handle all the dust!”  

While all this is going on, I have received a total of 83 text messages from family and friends today all with birthday wishes! OMG!! I didn’t know that many people knew me!

Then when I get home, to my utter shock and pleasure, there is a box waiting for me, with wonderful little notes all over it, from a wonderful loving daughter, and her family. Inside this box is one of the most priceless gifts I have recieved in a good number of years… it is simply a photo album…. but what is inside this photo album is so wonderful!  Pictures of all of us as a family over the last two years. All the things that have affected all our lives in one way or another. These are more precious to me than any other gift I can think of. It was amazing. It was like having them all here with me!

Then Pepi made me burritos for dinner! YUM!!!

Thank you Heather, and Pepi, ShawnDe, Mike, Ed, Bud, Yvette, Diane, everyone at work…. this has truly been the best birthday! A wonderful memory! From a wonderful family and the best of friends. I am touched. More than I can say!

And thank you to everyone who donated pictures to Heathers little project! It is a priceless treasure to me!

Vacation…..

Well, Grand Junction was awesome as always! I miss being there.  I miss my family there. Mostly I miss the lifestyle there, its so calming, relaxing, unhurried. I didn’t want to come back to the front range. It’s way to fast here, and I don’t need or want fast anymore. Jobs are there. Got offered one that I could have started today, if I had wanted to stay. Almost did. My kids are looking for employment over there, and God willing, I will be back on the Western Slope before this time next year. I’d forgotten how much I missed it, and how much I loved it.

When my stuff matures in January/February, I think I might be going back there. Why not? I love it there, and it loves me. I could live out the rest of my life there, as long as one of my kids was there. I don’t want to be that far away from any of them again, but I know they wont all move there either.    I could only wish.

Well, onto the unpacking. My stuff is done, now it’s all the rest that we have to do.

 

Step one in moving on….

Hello again. Well, I have moved “home.” Back to Denver. I am living with my daughter and her family temporairily.  It’s not ideal, but it will work, because I will make it work. I love all my kids, and even if I don’t like it too much, they are all of a mind that this is where I belong, and they are all willing to help me get back on my feet, at least financially, if not emotionally and spiritually. I guess those two things I will have to do myself, with the Lords help.

I had to get rid of  few things in the process. It’s only stuff, and I know this, but still – it was my stuff! Just hard to let go of what you work so hard for I guess. But, as my son- in-law was so quick to point out, When I get ready to move again, I will have the funds to replace it all, and I will.

I have things in the works as I type and in 6 mos I won’t even need a J-O-B! Thanks to Barbara! My buddy – my gal-pal – my mentor!! I am so happy I got laid off at Atmel, cuz otherwise I would never have met her, and I would not be on the road to independent wealth as I am! And neither would my family and other close friends.

So things ARE looking up for me. This will be a kick ass Christmas, the first one I’ve been able to buy in like 5 years! By November, the edge will be off, and by the first of the year, whatever job I have I will probably quit, because I wont need it anymore. It’s just getting to that point. I have 5 mos to struggle thru. I will make it, I know I will. If I have to do something stupid like clean houses again for money I will. All I have to do is get thru 5 flippin months.

At any rate, things are going, just slowly. We are getting ready to go to Grand Junction for my best friends’ daughter, Jennifers’, wedding.  I am looking forward to it as I haven’t been back to Junction in like 5 years. I miss it. I miss them. Thats where I shoulda probably stayed. I would have avoided so much heartache, and disappointment. But I also would have missed some truly good friends as well. Diane, George, Rebecca, Yvette, Bill, Jim, several others as well. So I guess everything happens for a reason, but to tell you the thruth, some of these things I could definetly have done without since I know it was more about their lessons than my own. Some men just never fricken grow up – and he is one!!

My daughter has set it up for me to meet new men, and I have met 3 of them so far. Very nice guys, all of them, but maybe its just too soon for me. I don’t know. I have enjoyed their company, but I think I am just not ready to get attached to someone else yet. I need to take care of me first, and if it happens fine and if it doesn’t, it’s ok too. I am just not so worried about it at this point I guess. I am more interested in getting myself out of debt and getting caught up, and setting myself back up with my own life again.  I have plans, I have goals, and right now these are more important to me. 

My investment portfolio is taking off, and I am learning more and more about how to do what I want to do for myself and my family, but most especially, my brothers and my dad. I just found out my dad has to have another eye surgery, and that worries me. He’s 77, and that isn’t easy for someone his age. Also, I know he has little to no income, and I aim to fix that for him. 

Then I work on my kids. All of them!   Along the way, I hook up my friends as I go, and watch us all retire early, or if not early, at least in style! I have a few friends who are approaching or at retirement age, but most of us have a few years to go, and my brothers and I have at leat 15 or so, and I don’t really want any of us to be door greeters at Wally-Hell, or working fast food joints to suppliment our SSI.  If we even have the SSI by that time, which I totally am not counting on! 

Bud wants to start his own business, and he cant get his dad or his uncles to back him, so I will! Heather and Eric have their own business going, and I aim to do something for them. I have no idea what, because I have never been in a position to even inquire about what they need until now, but I will find something! ShawnDe and Kevin? I don’t know what they might want or need, but for what they are doing for me for the next year or so, they can ask anything of me that they want and it will be theirs.  Nothing or no one is as important as my family is and my children deserve the very best. (I know, everyone thinks this) I didn’t exactly give them the best as they were growing up, and now that I have found a way to leave them better off than I ever did before, or ever dreamed of being able to do, I am gonna take advantage of it all the way. College education for their children? That has always been a dream of mine! I just never told anyone, cuz I didn’t know how to accomplish it. Now I do.  Thank you Lord, and St. Nick! In 6 mos, it will be Christmas in my life every month. for the rest of my life! He he he. I can’t wait!

Ok, I’ll go for now, and I’ll add to this after I get back from Juntion.

Broken Hearts

 

I know that someday this will go away. I have been here too many times NOT to know that. I just hate the process. Tonight I cannot sleep. He plagues me. My mind is like a video that I cannot turn off, and it constantly runs; to things I had forgotten about, wanted to forget about, tried to forget about. I try to submerse myself in work or my writing, my packing, anything to take my mind off him, and still, he sneaks in. Just enough to pluck at my heart strings, just enough to make them sing in agony!

 

Broken hearts

 

It’s when you love someone

And they won’t love you back

And when you know they do

It’s their own trust they lack

 

You give them all you have to give

And still they walk away

You reach out to show them more

But they’re not here today.

 

Your heart breaks – it cries out

Don’t leave me here alone

Yet still they turn their back on you

As if you were made of stone.

 

There are no words to tell you

How a broken heart will feel

I only hope you never know

The long time it takes to heal.

 

I do not think that mine can be

Ever healthy or whole again

It’s been broken so many times this life

All it’s even known is pain.

 

I’ll pick up all the pieces

And safely tuck them all away

I’ll put them on a shelf somewhere

To be mended another day.

 

I’ll hold that love inside of me

For it’s all that I have left

Just memories and pictures

And a heart that is bereft

 

The end of month one….

Well, here we go. Month 1 of being single with no one again.  God I hate my life. My unemployment is running out, I have two checks left then I am done.  I still have no job, and no good prospects either. How low have I sunk? My daughter actually got me signed up on two different dating websites, but since I have no money, I cant even talk to the guys. But even that is depressing. The first 3 men I match with almost ‘perfectly’ do not wish to meet me, talk to me, matter of fact they send me ‘No thanks, Not interested’ little messages. What does that tell you?

 

I spent the last several days at my daughters house, recovering from eye surgery. I had a cataract removed from my left eye.  The whole time I was there, I was pretty good, actually. As soon as I left there this morning, I got depressed, my stomach knotted up, and all I could do was imagine all the possibilities of running into him again.  What I would say, what he might say, how I would be strong, then break down. I imagined him at Matt and Rebecca’s wedding, running into him at wal-mart. It’s almost like once my mind takes off I can’t stop it. It just runs on it’s own. It was all I could do not to cry when I saw one of Walt’s trucks this afternoon. It was all I could do not to turn halfway around in my seat to look and see if it was him driving it.  I am going crazy.

There is this overwhelming feeling of sadness surrounding me. I feel like that was my last chance, and I blew it somehow. My chest is heavy, and I have no energy at all. All I want to do is sit here and look at his picture, and cry.

I have, in the last week, sent out 36 apps to Colorado Springs employers on craigslist and backpage.com.  I have also sent out over 150 to Denver employers, with about the same response. I actually had one lady call me back on an A/R-A/P position I applied for in Denver, and was informed that according to her employer, I and my skills are too old and out of date. I am not kidding, that is EXACTLY what she said.  I do know she looked at my resume however, because she asked me if I could ‘solder’ because she had a soldering position open.  Where on my resume would anyone see soldiering??

I told my landlord today that I had decided this last weekend to move back to Denver because I can’t seem to find a job and at least there I won’t be out on the street. I will however be living with my daughter and her family. Now mind you, I love my daughter and her family more than I can say. But I have lived alone for 6 yrs, and they have put up with me on occasion, sometimes for several days at a time. They are certain they want me to move in with them. I on the other hand, am not so certain they will feel this way after a few months. ShawnDe says she wants me to stay until their lease runs out to get back on my feet, caught up on my bills, etc. That will be next spring. I am so afraid that they will be so sick of me by then that I will ruin the relationship I have with them and they will be pushing me out the door. It is not easy to live with someone who is not your immediate family. When you are an adult, your mother is NOT your immediate family. How low have I stooped that I must depend on the good will and graciousness of my daughter and her family to keep from being on the streets?  

 

I can’t find a job, I can’t hold on to a man, I’m gonna lose my car, I am losing my apartment, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. My children can’t possibly respect me anymore, what’s to respect? I cant hold my own head up in public. Every good looking man I could possibly be interested in isn’t interested in me, not even the one I love, and who I am certain loves me.  Matter of fact, he’s scared to death of me so badly that he has to pretend he doesn’t like me now nor did he ever. Whatever.

 

I hurt so badly inside, and even this isn’t helping like it usually does. What in the world is wrong with me? Dale tells me that 95% of people withhold something of themselves when in a relationship. Maybe out of fear of rejection, because of past hurts, just because they want to and can.  According to him, and he would know, only about 5% of people in the world actually give unselfishly of themselves when in a relationship. He says I am one of the 5%, and that’s why I tend to be hurt more than other people and take it harder than most do. I thought everyone did it the same way. What other way is there? I don’t know of another way. I wish I did. I fall in love, I do it with everything I have, and that’s that. I thought that was the way you were supposed to do it. Well, it’s how I do it anyway.  For all the good it’s ever done me.

I am a failure, in my life, in my children’s eyes, in my love life. I have failed. I hate me.

 

UPDATE…(ON MY BIRTHDAY)

Well, I got past it. My birthday that is. Altho there are a few who won’t let me forget, Thank you Matt!! He reminds me constantly that not only am I old, I am also fat. LOL  This is a game we play he and I. Yes, I’m old, but no I am not fat. He’s teasing me because I am on a diet. I am down to 130, and that’s not so bad, but he just has to keep reminding me that I am on a diet, therefore I must be fat. 

My huni is in New Zealand til the 19th of this month. I am so envious. I would love to go there just to see the country, and say I have been there. I have googled New Zealand, and in particular ChristChurch, which is where he went. Man, it’s beautiful! I think he is very fortunate to have the chance to go. He might have gone on his own, I don’t know. As it was, he had a chance to go for work, and for him that’s the best reason to do anything.  I am happy for him, I miss him, I want him home, but at the same time, I want him to enjoy himself. Brat!!

My job search continues. Still without much in the way of prospects. I can’t believe this. I’ve never had this problem getting a job before. It’s beginning to snowball real badly. My tags on my car will expire next month, and so will my insurance. This is not looking good.

I have a packet coming from the state on taking a civil service exam for the post office.  I have alot of hopes pinned on that.  I would not mind working for the post office at all. Good bene’s, very decent pay! Lord knows I need a break. but it cost me $130 I didn’t really have. That was part of my rent!! My landlord is getting nervous!!

Well this is my update for now. I have been kinda down in the dumps lately which has made this sorta hard. I don’t know what to write, and don’t wanna sound down here.  Hopefully things will improve here shortly. I sure need them to.  

ON AGING….

George Carlin on age.
(Absolutely Brilliant)

ALL OF YOU THAT KNOW ME KNOW THAT I HAVE A BIRTHDAY COMING UP THAT I AM NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUT. THIS WAS SENT TO ME BY A FRIEND WHOSE TRYING TO CHEER ME UP ABOUT IT. IT MADE ME LAFF SO HARD I HAD TO PUT IT ON HERE. THIS IS ONE OF THE TRUEST THINGS I HAVE EVER READ….. AND IT DID MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!

IF YOU DON’T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. .

George Carlin’s Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.

This month in history….

Typically, I don’t like January. Over the years it’s not been a really good month for me. Up until 1984 it was ok, the worst thing that ever happened in this month was I got a year older. That’s bad enough. My Grandfather was also born in January. January 25th. He and I used to share our birthdays and even tho I was only 5 years old when he died, at the tender age of 48, I still remember that. I don’t know if my memories are all jumbled together or if I actually remember more than one of those celebrations, but it doesn’t matter. The memories are good ones. They make me smile. But in ‘84 my mom died. She was only 46 yrs, 225 days old. Matter of fact, today is the 24th anniversary of the day we buried my Mother.  Today is usually not a good day for memories.  And this month is usually not a pleasant one for me.

But then two years and 12 days ago, something happened that changed the month of January for me to something to look forward to.  My second grandson, Blake was born, on the 25th. What a precious gift! He is such a character!!

I’ll tell you what – for those of you who are not grandparents yet, you just don’t understand. I always thought that there was nothing else in the world that could make me as happy has being a mother and having my own children. Man, was I wrong!!!  As hard as it is to see your babies grow up, and to have to let go of them, and it is hard – beleive me!, God knew that we would have problems with that, so he left room in our hearts for grandchildren!

All of my grandchildren are as precious to me as my own life. No – that’s wrong. They are more so. Everytime I see one of them, the thought crosses my mind that they would not be here, if not for me.  Indirectly, of course, but nonetheless, and as much as my life would have been different without my children, how much more would it be without my grandbabies? I don’t even want to think about it. They are my pride and joy, every bit as much as their parents are. And yes! I mean Bud AND Aubrey, Heather AND Eric, ShawnDe AND Kevin.  Aubrey, Eric, and Kevin are as much a part of my life as my own children, and I couldn’t love them more if they were of my own blood. I used to worry about who my children’s spouses would be and if I would like them, or get along with them, but it was a needless worry. My children have made wonderful choices of lifemates, and I am exceedingly proud of their spouses.

Anyway, back to my story.

January, except for Blake, usually isn’t a good month for me. It’s always the start of a new year, and it makes you look back at the previous year and all the things that happened. 2007 had its ups and downs, but overall, it actually wasn’t too bad.

Blake turned 1, ShawnDe had Pheonyx in March, Hannah got her first pair of glasses – which Grandma thinks she is just darling in – and she and Devin turned 8 last year. Good God, how time does fly! I can’t believe they are 8 already! Savannah and Emily turned 5! Heather turned 33. (boy that one is a shocker, to me anyway! there is no way it could have been that long ago!) ShawnDe is 28, and Bud is 24! And I met a man that has just turned my life upside down! Alan Smith! He is wonderful, and for me on a personal level, it’s the best thing that’s happened to me since my last divorce in ‘02. We have been dating a year on the 3rd. I swore after my last venture into the romantic arena, which was in ‘03, that I would never ever let myself fall in love again. My bad. God laughed at me and said, “wanna bet?” , cuz I fell hard last year. But its safe for the time being, cuz he doesn’t know yet, and I’m not owning up to it yet with him, so that’s all good. I don’t plan to either unless he decides to change the boundaries we set last year.

But the absolute worst part of this January is I am no longer gonna be in my 40’s. Everyone says it’s just a number, and up until this year, I believed that. My 30’s didnt bother me at all. Hell, my 40’s didnt bother me! Even my later 40’s didnt bother me. Til last year. It was 49!!  Damn!  my last year in my 40’s. Now, in 16 days I will be 50. THIS SUCKS!!

I don’t want to be old. In my head I’m not old!! If my kids could see inside my head, I’m still in my 30’s! They are all still young, (not that they are old now, but you know what I mean, still kids!), and I am still pretty, and I don’t have all the lines in my face, I still have all my teeth, my eyes still work like they are supposed to, and I only have to dye my hair once or twice a year to cover the gray. My skin still looks healthy, it doesn’t have that onion skin look to it. I dont have the crows feet around my eyes, and the saggy skin on my neck. I truly dislike the way I look now, I feel like an old crone. (How I ever attracted a boyfriend I have no idea.)

I know they say that 50 is the new 30, and I am tryin to keep myself up. Yes I still smoke, and I hate that, but everytime I try to quit I put on weight, and I will not be OLD AND FAT! If I have to be old, at least I can be thin. I will not look like your typical grandma! Matter of fact I am on a diet now! I refuse to get over 130 lbs. I try to wear cute clothes, that keep me looking at least younger, and I try to keep my self in decent shape, so I stay active, and I run around with mostly younger people. ( not on purpose, it just worked out that way. I have only a few friends my age, the rest are at least 10 yrs younger than me, except Alan and he’s 5 yrs yonger than me.)

My son seems to think this is gonna be a fun birthday for me. Or at least HE will have fun with it. I won’t. We are celebrating Blakes birthday on the 26th, two weekends from now, and I am terrified to go to the party, just because I have no idea what my darn son is planning. Good Lord knows he probably has his sisters in  on it. I am SCARED!!

I don’t want to be old. Crap!  I qualify for AARP now! It’s only my body that’s this old! No one seems to get this! My mind is still young. I still think young. For the most part I still feel young! I have a little arthritis here and there, and my knees hurt once in a while, but other than that, I don’t feel my age at all! I had a complete physical exam last August, and the Doc told me I am in great shape! Very healthy – inspite of my smoking! Our bodies need to keep pace with our minds! They are traitors! I feel like I’m being put out to pasture and told that I have nothing else to offer to this world. Maybe I don’t. But I don’t wanna just quit. I am not on my last leg here!!

I used to always think, when I was younger, that I would be the type of woman who would grow old gracefully, and with dignity. To hell with that! I am fighting it every step of the way! I dye my hair, I do my nails, I tan, ( I know, I know….. I don’t wanna hear it!) I wear the clothes I have always been comfortable in, tight jeans, cute little tops, I keep my hair long, (even tho it takes two bottles of dye not one and I have to do it once a month now!) I dance all the time. It’s good exercise and I enjoy it. I mostly do it at home, in my kitchen and living room, but thats ok, it’s still dancing. I take walks, for exercise, and just recently I’ve started doing a regular workout to keep my muscle tone. I refuse to have bat wings! (You know, those big ole flaps of skin older women get on the under side of their arms when they lose all their muscle tone?) And I’ve always been proud of my legs. I thought they were one of my best features, and I still do. So I try to keep them in shape. Men like nice legs, and a tight butt. Walking helps with both those things. If I had the money, I would have a face lift, a tummy tuck, and a butt lift. In that order! I am not afraid of a plastic surgeon – everyone knows that! 

There are a few advantages of growing older. Not many – but a few. I love being a grandmother. I am too old to have children anymore, and while I still have all the equipment – it doesn’t work, which is actually quite liberating! I don’t mess with PMS any more at all! Thats wonderful! You trade that for hot flashes, but even those have almost completely quit. Now I just take my Oscal and exercise, and eat better, load up on vitamin C and D. I am seriously thinking of taking my oldest daughters advise about Coloidial Silver. I have a few friends who take it and swear by it. I’m sure it can’t hurt.

With all the advances medicine has made, why the heck cant they figure out a way to keep us from looking like crap as we get older? I have never been overly vain or conceited. I was never any great beauty – but I wasn’t a dog either!  I was passibly pretty. I am not sure where my daughters got their looks from – they are both just as drop dead georgous as a woman can get! Must be a great combination of genes! I would have given my right arm to look like EITHER of them when I was their ages, and I would say this even if they weren’t my daughters – they are just outstanding beauties! But I look in the mirror now, and I am afraid for them! Is this what they have to look forward to? Man do I feel like I am letting them down!  Modern science has got to have a cure for this! or a way to slow it down! What a rip off!! The supposidly ‘best years’ of our life and we have to look like crap and have other people look at us like we are too old to be of any use? I lost my job this last year, (not one of the highlights of 2007 let me assure you), and jobs I would have been able to get in a heartbeat 10 yrs ago I have been turned down for now like they think I am gonna croak tomorrow! PLLLEEEEAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE!!!

The other thing I don’t much care for are some of the statistics for women my age! Like, did you know that according to statistics, a woman my age has a much better chance of being a victim of a terrorist than of getting married? or re-married? Or of even having a romantic encounter at all?? And every year that passes the odds get worse? right now I am at less than 25%. If it doesn’t become permenant with my current boyfriend, what chance do I have of ever having another one? Slim and none.

I wish I had a time machine.

 So a word of warning to my children, and ESPECIALLY MY SON, unless you can give me an excellent reason for being happy about this particular birthday, I would really prefer it if it wasn’t brought up at all. I know you all won’t understand this part but let me try to explain it ok?

I have exceeded my mothers age by over 4 yrs, many of my friends from school, (which to me seems like it was just yesterday), have passed away, and I am single, and I live alone. I am sure you can’t understand this, but I am scared. I don’t want to be old, and alone, and this was always my worst fear when I was your age. Now my worst fear has come to be my reality and future!!

 So have pity on your mother. Let me pretend to not be this old for a little longer? I may not be able to pull it off much longer. Let me have my fantasy for as long as it will hold out, ok? It’s all I have left.

Happy birthday my darling little Blake! I will definetly celebrate your second birthday with my precious little boy. Grandma wouldn’t miss it for the world. Just keep your Daddy in line for Grandma, will ya? 

I’m Scared

How can I have all these memories?

All these things that I’ve been through?

Didn’t I just get my first bike?

And graduate from high school? 

What happened to the 80’s?

And where’s my Mama gone?

I know I’m in a time warp

Something has gone wrong! 

I feel like I just went to sleep

And woke up in this ‘NOW’

I’m old, and wrinkled, with gray hair

This time passage I can’t allow 

Whose body is this? It can’t be mine!

That’s not my face in the mirror

I don’t know who this person is

But she’s someone that I fear!

I’m trapped in here – I can’t get out

I cannot find the door

I feel as though I’ve been kidnapped

And I’m chained down to the floor 

Where and when did my life go?

Why are my children all adults?

How did I ever get this old?

Is this all I have for results? 

I was young and pretty – I loved to dance

I still love disco – it can’t be dead

My babies are babies – they’re not grown up

Something’s wrong inside my head!

 Something happened while I slept

I know this cant be right

My life is gone and I don’t know where

It was stolen in the night 

I don’t want to be this old-

I wasn’t done at all!

There’s all these things I want to do

I feel like I’ve been recalled!  

Help me find it I beg you, Lord!

This can’t be all there is!

I had so many plans you see

Am I left with only this? 

No one needs me, I’m all alone

What good am I like this?

I’m scared you know -  I feel left out

There’s so many things that I will miss

Angels…

I must admit – even I am amazed right now. This site is only 3 days old today, and I cannot believe all that is pouring out of me. It seems as if now that I have somewhere to do this, all my creative juices have started flowing, and I can’t seem to stop them, they are overflowing.

My daughters page http://heatherweiland.wordpress.com/ has the story of Jesus’ mother, Mary started on it, and one of the things she has talked about is her fear of being approached by an Angel of God. I know she speaks of an Angel like Gabriel or Michael. In this I can understand her fear and trepidation. It would be very intimidating to have an Angel of God appear to you – for any reason!  But the discussion in the comments on her post have brought up the question  – was it more acceptable in Mary’s day? Were they more open to it? Do we have less faith today than they did ‘back in the day?’

I have been thinking alot about this for the last day or so. Yes, in many ways I think it was easier to believe in miracles, and Angels in her day, simply because they WERE more open to it. I also think it has alot to do with the fact that in Mary’s day – there weren’t so many people trying to destroy our faith and belief. Oh, to be sure there were those who didn’t believe, and those who feared our Lord and his coming Son. But technology didn’t exist at all, and what science there was – was in it’s infancy and probably not much believed by the masses, if it was even known of. There were not over 6 billion people in the world trying to explain away everything that happened. They had no media and no internet to dissuade them from their beliefs. There was no communication hub to spread their stories, and experiences, for the world to hear and mock, and rationalize away.

While I know what I am about to say is not what my daughter meant – still I do think it is relevant. Our world has changed so very drastically since Mary’s time, that I believe we need to adjust our perceptions a little. The miracles in Mary and Joseph’s time were set for that era. Can you imagine being in Gods’ shoes today, and trying to impress our world, our age, with a miracle? With an Angel? I wouldn’t want that job – to be sure.

So I really think that we need to look harder – to see miracles and Angels for what and who they are. In this day and age, faith needs to be blind  – so to speak. We need to blind ourselves to all those who would explain away what we know to be true with logic, technology, science, etc, etc.

I have believed for a good number of years now that my entire life is a miracle all on it’s own, and the people in it are all Angels. There are a few extremely special people in it, however, that truly are messengers from God. This poem is for them;

 

Angels 

Do you have an angel in your life?

Would you know it if you did?

How do you know when one arrives?

Or do they keep themselves hid?

 Do they show up only when you ask?

Or do they know when you need them most?

Do they make themselves known to you?

Or do they work quietly – like a ghost? 

Do you have to believe to have one?

Or do you believe because you do? 

It doesn’t matter if you believe or not

One way or another, God believes in you!

My life is full of angels,

And God has sent them to me

He started when I was a child

Before I ever made a plea 

My first one was my mother

An angel she surely was

She loved , cared, and comforted me

And she did it ‘just because.’ 

My next one was my firstborn

A beautiful baby girl

And in 30+ yrs her wings have spread

Soft and glowing – like a pearl

Then came her sister – small and dark

With great big huge brown eyes

And in her way she’s proved to me

How we all needed her in our lives. 

Last came their brother – blonde and blue eyed

My final  triumphant  blessing?

My ‘last’ request  - asked of God

His answer – a gentle caressing.

  

I thought for certain – this was enough

No woman could be blessed more

Then out of the blue – in His tender way

He shook me to my core.

He has continued to bless me in my old age

This humble – unworthy servant

Six more angles He has given to me

Do I deserve them? It’s irrelevant! 

 I have Emily and Hannah

And Little Blake and Devin

Pheonyx and Savannah

All Gods’ gifts from heaven.

 

My life has been hard many times

He has carried me many days

But for all the trials he has put me thru

He has blessed me in so many ways 

Should I leave this world tomorrow

To don my own white wings

I’ll never question in my heart

The treasures that He brings.