Broken Hearts

 

I know that someday this will go away. I have been here too many times NOT to know that. I just hate the process. Tonight I cannot sleep. He plagues me. My mind is like a video that I cannot turn off, and it constantly runs; to things I had forgotten about, wanted to forget about, tried to forget about. I try to submerse myself in work or my writing, my packing, anything to take my mind off him, and still, he sneaks in. Just enough to pluck at my heart strings, just enough to make them sing in agony!

 

Broken hearts

 

It’s when you love someone

And they won’t love you back

And when you know they do

It’s their own trust they lack

 

You give them all you have to give

And still they walk away

You reach out to show them more

But they’re not here today.

 

Your heart breaks – it cries out

Don’t leave me here alone

Yet still they turn their back on you

As if you were made of stone.

 

There are no words to tell you

How a broken heart will feel

I only hope you never know

The long time it takes to heal.

 

I do not think that mine can be

Ever healthy or whole again

It’s been broken so many times this life

All it’s even known is pain.

 

I’ll pick up all the pieces

And safely tuck them all away

I’ll put them on a shelf somewhere

To be mended another day.

 

I’ll hold that love inside of me

For it’s all that I have left

Just memories and pictures

And a heart that is bereft

 

Time for me to move on…

Well, as I knew it would, time has come for me to move on. No matter what I do or how I do it, the men who mean the most to me in my life, who aren’t related to me, manage to find a way to break my heart and make me feel like crap. Once again, it has happened.

I don’t understand it. He told me, point blank, on the phone, because he can’t say these things to my face, that I shouldn’t beat myself up over this, because I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, he’s right! I didn’t do anything wrong! This is all on him, plain and simple. I repeat, however, I still do not understand it.

He got too close. I scared the crap outta him, because he started feeling things for me that he didn’t want to and all of a sudden he was terrified. He told me that too. Not quite so nicely, but nonetheless. He blamed me for him feeling these things, and repeatedly told me he didn’t want do to that. Not my fault. I’m not in control of you or your feelings. I can only control me and my feelings. My bad was, as all of you who read my stuff know, I did fall in love with him. I wish I hadn’t. I really didn’t want to, but that’s something that I think we never have any control over. It happens because it is meant to happen. 

So, because he is scared of being hurt again, and because he is far too macho to express this and deal with it, he is no longer in my life. His choice.  I can only say – his loss too!  See, I know me, and I know what kind of a person I am. I know what he will be missing, and to be honest, I know he already is missing it, because he is being really mean to me over everything. I know what it means to me to love someone with everything that I have. I did this for him, without asking him for anything in return. Maybe that’s my problem, I didn’t ask for anything, I didn’t expect anything. I simply loved him.

I know that I will eventually get over it. I always do. That doesn’t make it any easier for me. I don’t want to get over it. I want – more than anything in the world – to find someone who will love me the way I love them. The way I want to love someone. With everything I have in me, someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated – like a queen – and allow me to be who I am and still love me. Someone who will allow me to love him – and treat him like a king, the way I want to treat a man. He has to be one who deserves it though. Man oh man, are they rare.

At my age – I’m thinking my chances are not good.   Sucks to be me.

So I have one more little poetry bit to add to this last post for him;

 

 

Pain on Paper

 

My fingers start to wrinkle

From the wiping of my tears

They fall down on this paper

And the ink begins to smear

 

I just continue writing

I have to get this down

My thoughts all seem to haunt me

And they make me hold this frown

 

So I write of all my heartache

My losses and their stains

My recent love and memories

The breakup and its pains

 

I write the lack of effort

That you used to steal my heart

You used that same exact amount

To rip it all apart

 

I write of how you hurt me

And how you could’ve hurt me worse

I write of how I tried so hard

But conjured up a curse

 

I write of how I pleaded

I was lost without your trust

But I guess your feelings for me

In time have gathered dust

 

I want to write of how I feel

And tell you what’s in my heart

I want to show you that I care

But you’ll tear me all apart

 

Go off and do what you mean to do

And leave me here alone

I fear you will not miss me

My love will die all on its own

 

Maybe one day, when your anger fades

And time turns down your thoughts

You’ll remember how you loved me

And want back what you have lost?

 

I write of just how hard its been

To say my last goodbye

And then I finally end my words

But still – I wonder why?

 

 

Happy Valentines Day

Somewhere, there is someone who would appreciate this poem. I don’t know where he is, but I keep telling myself he is out there.

MY BROKEN ROADS 

No where along life’s journey

In all the twists and turns

Did I see a sign that showed me

Where to go or what to learn

 Some how though I found my way

Through all the lefts and rights

That led me to this place I’m in

And put me in your sights 

HE ‘s guided me all the way

Along my broken roads

Knowing that you’d be here

To help me bear this load 

I now know why things have been

In my life the way they are

To show me that I would have more

Without going all that far.

 I do believe it was His intent

That the two of us should meet

To help each other heal our wounds

Our fear and pain goes deep.  

 I’ve never used such caution

In matters of the heart

With you I must tread lightly

Or find us torn apart

 I bide my time – I’ll wait it out

My love for you is strong

I know that you will be there

And my ‘knowing’ is not wrong

 I’ve known the bad – I’ve lived that life

I know that you have too

We had to know this pain so we

Could see our way on through 

If you’ve never climbed a hill

A mountain you can’t beat

Our trials in life have shown us

It’s not our nature to retreat

 I’ll take the challenge He’s given me

And I will meet it – head on

Knowing full well that in the end

You’re the dream I wait upon.

CHANCES…

I said I was gonna use this to post some of my poetry, and this time I am specifically for that reason. 

This is a poem I wrote, and I really like it. The person it was written for seemed to like it, and I think it is one of the best ones I have written. A little long, but when I write, I write til it feels finished. 

I hope you like it. 

Chances 

I had my life all settled

My routines all down pat

My work, the kids, my friends

My home life – and all that. 

I didn’t look for anything

I didn’t want the hurt.

Everytime I’ve tried I’ve lost

So all I’ve done is flirt.

They say that’s when it happens

When you’re least expecting it

You walked into my life that night

And the flame of hope was lit.

It felt like lightening in my soul

The charge that went through me.

I was shakey, weak, I couldn’t breathe,

You brought me to my knees.

No one has knocked at my hearts door

In a very long, long time.

I wasn’t prepared for what you did

Now my heart is no longer mine.

I know that you’re not ready

To travel down this course.

I don’t think I am either

I fear it ends in more remorse.

It’s been a roller coaster ride

This trip you’ve taken me on.

I’m happy, sad, I’ve laughed and cried.

And that flame? It still burns long….

You think I’m betting on us?

NO WAY!! I’m scared to death.

I only know I can’t let go

And I cannot catch my breath.

Now you must leave and go away

For several weeks at least

That’s got me all in turmoil

And I can find no peace.

You should know – that when you leave

You take a part of me.

I hope it’s something that you want

Maybe something that you need?

I can’t tell you what I feel for you

I’m not sure I can admit that yet

I only know you changed my life

That first night that we met.

I also hope that while you’re gone

In the time that we’re apart

I’ll cross your mind – be in your thoughts

Maybe in your heart.

I know I’ll be waiting for my phone to ring

And with everyday that passes

You’ll be in my thoughts and on my mind

In daydreams and in flashes.

I know that nothing’s guaranteed

And maybe this will spoil it

But I had to tell you that I care

Cuz I’m sure that you have seen it.

I cannot hide my feelings

I’m like an open book,

And I hope this won’t push you away

This crazy chance I took.

The time we’ve had together

Has sent my life just spinning

I know I don’t want to lose you

Could this be just a beginning?

This month in history….

Typically, I don’t like January. Over the years it’s not been a really good month for me. Up until 1984 it was ok, the worst thing that ever happened in this month was I got a year older. That’s bad enough. My Grandfather was also born in January. January 25th. He and I used to share our birthdays and even tho I was only 5 years old when he died, at the tender age of 48, I still remember that. I don’t know if my memories are all jumbled together or if I actually remember more than one of those celebrations, but it doesn’t matter. The memories are good ones. They make me smile. But in ‘84 my mom died. She was only 46 yrs, 225 days old. Matter of fact, today is the 24th anniversary of the day we buried my Mother.  Today is usually not a good day for memories.  And this month is usually not a pleasant one for me.

But then two years and 12 days ago, something happened that changed the month of January for me to something to look forward to.  My second grandson, Blake was born, on the 25th. What a precious gift! He is such a character!!

I’ll tell you what – for those of you who are not grandparents yet, you just don’t understand. I always thought that there was nothing else in the world that could make me as happy has being a mother and having my own children. Man, was I wrong!!!  As hard as it is to see your babies grow up, and to have to let go of them, and it is hard – beleive me!, God knew that we would have problems with that, so he left room in our hearts for grandchildren!

All of my grandchildren are as precious to me as my own life. No – that’s wrong. They are more so. Everytime I see one of them, the thought crosses my mind that they would not be here, if not for me.  Indirectly, of course, but nonetheless, and as much as my life would have been different without my children, how much more would it be without my grandbabies? I don’t even want to think about it. They are my pride and joy, every bit as much as their parents are. And yes! I mean Bud AND Aubrey, Heather AND Eric, ShawnDe AND Kevin.  Aubrey, Eric, and Kevin are as much a part of my life as my own children, and I couldn’t love them more if they were of my own blood. I used to worry about who my children’s spouses would be and if I would like them, or get along with them, but it was a needless worry. My children have made wonderful choices of lifemates, and I am exceedingly proud of their spouses.

Anyway, back to my story.

January, except for Blake, usually isn’t a good month for me. It’s always the start of a new year, and it makes you look back at the previous year and all the things that happened. 2007 had its ups and downs, but overall, it actually wasn’t too bad.

Blake turned 1, ShawnDe had Pheonyx in March, Hannah got her first pair of glasses – which Grandma thinks she is just darling in – and she and Devin turned 8 last year. Good God, how time does fly! I can’t believe they are 8 already! Savannah and Emily turned 5! Heather turned 33. (boy that one is a shocker, to me anyway! there is no way it could have been that long ago!) ShawnDe is 28, and Bud is 24! And I met a man that has just turned my life upside down! Alan Smith! He is wonderful, and for me on a personal level, it’s the best thing that’s happened to me since my last divorce in ‘02. We have been dating a year on the 3rd. I swore after my last venture into the romantic arena, which was in ‘03, that I would never ever let myself fall in love again. My bad. God laughed at me and said, “wanna bet?” , cuz I fell hard last year. But its safe for the time being, cuz he doesn’t know yet, and I’m not owning up to it yet with him, so that’s all good. I don’t plan to either unless he decides to change the boundaries we set last year.

But the absolute worst part of this January is I am no longer gonna be in my 40’s. Everyone says it’s just a number, and up until this year, I believed that. My 30’s didnt bother me at all. Hell, my 40’s didnt bother me! Even my later 40’s didnt bother me. Til last year. It was 49!!  Damn!  my last year in my 40’s. Now, in 16 days I will be 50. THIS SUCKS!!

I don’t want to be old. In my head I’m not old!! If my kids could see inside my head, I’m still in my 30’s! They are all still young, (not that they are old now, but you know what I mean, still kids!), and I am still pretty, and I don’t have all the lines in my face, I still have all my teeth, my eyes still work like they are supposed to, and I only have to dye my hair once or twice a year to cover the gray. My skin still looks healthy, it doesn’t have that onion skin look to it. I dont have the crows feet around my eyes, and the saggy skin on my neck. I truly dislike the way I look now, I feel like an old crone. (How I ever attracted a boyfriend I have no idea.)

I know they say that 50 is the new 30, and I am tryin to keep myself up. Yes I still smoke, and I hate that, but everytime I try to quit I put on weight, and I will not be OLD AND FAT! If I have to be old, at least I can be thin. I will not look like your typical grandma! Matter of fact I am on a diet now! I refuse to get over 130 lbs. I try to wear cute clothes, that keep me looking at least younger, and I try to keep my self in decent shape, so I stay active, and I run around with mostly younger people. ( not on purpose, it just worked out that way. I have only a few friends my age, the rest are at least 10 yrs younger than me, except Alan and he’s 5 yrs yonger than me.)

My son seems to think this is gonna be a fun birthday for me. Or at least HE will have fun with it. I won’t. We are celebrating Blakes birthday on the 26th, two weekends from now, and I am terrified to go to the party, just because I have no idea what my darn son is planning. Good Lord knows he probably has his sisters in  on it. I am SCARED!!

I don’t want to be old. Crap!  I qualify for AARP now! It’s only my body that’s this old! No one seems to get this! My mind is still young. I still think young. For the most part I still feel young! I have a little arthritis here and there, and my knees hurt once in a while, but other than that, I don’t feel my age at all! I had a complete physical exam last August, and the Doc told me I am in great shape! Very healthy – inspite of my smoking! Our bodies need to keep pace with our minds! They are traitors! I feel like I’m being put out to pasture and told that I have nothing else to offer to this world. Maybe I don’t. But I don’t wanna just quit. I am not on my last leg here!!

I used to always think, when I was younger, that I would be the type of woman who would grow old gracefully, and with dignity. To hell with that! I am fighting it every step of the way! I dye my hair, I do my nails, I tan, ( I know, I know….. I don’t wanna hear it!) I wear the clothes I have always been comfortable in, tight jeans, cute little tops, I keep my hair long, (even tho it takes two bottles of dye not one and I have to do it once a month now!) I dance all the time. It’s good exercise and I enjoy it. I mostly do it at home, in my kitchen and living room, but thats ok, it’s still dancing. I take walks, for exercise, and just recently I’ve started doing a regular workout to keep my muscle tone. I refuse to have bat wings! (You know, those big ole flaps of skin older women get on the under side of their arms when they lose all their muscle tone?) And I’ve always been proud of my legs. I thought they were one of my best features, and I still do. So I try to keep them in shape. Men like nice legs, and a tight butt. Walking helps with both those things. If I had the money, I would have a face lift, a tummy tuck, and a butt lift. In that order! I am not afraid of a plastic surgeon – everyone knows that! 

There are a few advantages of growing older. Not many – but a few. I love being a grandmother. I am too old to have children anymore, and while I still have all the equipment – it doesn’t work, which is actually quite liberating! I don’t mess with PMS any more at all! Thats wonderful! You trade that for hot flashes, but even those have almost completely quit. Now I just take my Oscal and exercise, and eat better, load up on vitamin C and D. I am seriously thinking of taking my oldest daughters advise about Coloidial Silver. I have a few friends who take it and swear by it. I’m sure it can’t hurt.

With all the advances medicine has made, why the heck cant they figure out a way to keep us from looking like crap as we get older? I have never been overly vain or conceited. I was never any great beauty – but I wasn’t a dog either!  I was passibly pretty. I am not sure where my daughters got their looks from – they are both just as drop dead georgous as a woman can get! Must be a great combination of genes! I would have given my right arm to look like EITHER of them when I was their ages, and I would say this even if they weren’t my daughters – they are just outstanding beauties! But I look in the mirror now, and I am afraid for them! Is this what they have to look forward to? Man do I feel like I am letting them down!  Modern science has got to have a cure for this! or a way to slow it down! What a rip off!! The supposidly ‘best years’ of our life and we have to look like crap and have other people look at us like we are too old to be of any use? I lost my job this last year, (not one of the highlights of 2007 let me assure you), and jobs I would have been able to get in a heartbeat 10 yrs ago I have been turned down for now like they think I am gonna croak tomorrow! PLLLEEEEAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE!!!

The other thing I don’t much care for are some of the statistics for women my age! Like, did you know that according to statistics, a woman my age has a much better chance of being a victim of a terrorist than of getting married? or re-married? Or of even having a romantic encounter at all?? And every year that passes the odds get worse? right now I am at less than 25%. If it doesn’t become permenant with my current boyfriend, what chance do I have of ever having another one? Slim and none.

I wish I had a time machine.

 So a word of warning to my children, and ESPECIALLY MY SON, unless you can give me an excellent reason for being happy about this particular birthday, I would really prefer it if it wasn’t brought up at all. I know you all won’t understand this part but let me try to explain it ok?

I have exceeded my mothers age by over 4 yrs, many of my friends from school, (which to me seems like it was just yesterday), have passed away, and I am single, and I live alone. I am sure you can’t understand this, but I am scared. I don’t want to be old, and alone, and this was always my worst fear when I was your age. Now my worst fear has come to be my reality and future!!

 So have pity on your mother. Let me pretend to not be this old for a little longer? I may not be able to pull it off much longer. Let me have my fantasy for as long as it will hold out, ok? It’s all I have left.

Happy birthday my darling little Blake! I will definetly celebrate your second birthday with my precious little boy. Grandma wouldn’t miss it for the world. Just keep your Daddy in line for Grandma, will ya? 

I’m Scared

How can I have all these memories?

All these things that I’ve been through?

Didn’t I just get my first bike?

And graduate from high school? 

What happened to the 80’s?

And where’s my Mama gone?

I know I’m in a time warp

Something has gone wrong! 

I feel like I just went to sleep

And woke up in this ‘NOW’

I’m old, and wrinkled, with gray hair

This time passage I can’t allow 

Whose body is this? It can’t be mine!

That’s not my face in the mirror

I don’t know who this person is

But she’s someone that I fear!

I’m trapped in here – I can’t get out

I cannot find the door

I feel as though I’ve been kidnapped

And I’m chained down to the floor 

Where and when did my life go?

Why are my children all adults?

How did I ever get this old?

Is this all I have for results? 

I was young and pretty – I loved to dance

I still love disco – it can’t be dead

My babies are babies – they’re not grown up

Something’s wrong inside my head!

 Something happened while I slept

I know this cant be right

My life is gone and I don’t know where

It was stolen in the night 

I don’t want to be this old-

I wasn’t done at all!

There’s all these things I want to do

I feel like I’ve been recalled!  

Help me find it I beg you, Lord!

This can’t be all there is!

I had so many plans you see

Am I left with only this? 

No one needs me, I’m all alone

What good am I like this?

I’m scared you know -  I feel left out

There’s so many things that I will miss

Merry Christmas

Things were a little tight this year for the holidays and I had not much to give with. Thankfully, my family is of the belief that its not how much you give, but that what you give comes from your heart that counts. I am eternally blessed with my family and friends, I truly couldn’t ask for better.

This I wrote to give to my children as a gift from me, and like a dork, (as my daughter, ShawnDe affectionately calls me), I forgot to print it and take it with me. I will do so in the near future, but I thought this would be a nice way to tell the world and my children how much I love them, and how proud of them I truly am. 

I KNEW IT FROM THE FIRST

THAT MOMENT’S FROZEN IN TIME

YOU OPENED YOUR EYES – YOU LOOKED AT ME

AND I KNEW THAT YOU WERE MINE

I’D WAITED FOREVER TO MEET YOU

I’D PRAYED YOU’D BE HEALTHY AND SMART

 I KNEW YOU’D BE CUTE – NO GEORGOUS!

YOU HAD ALL THE RIGHT GENES FROM THE START.

 I’D TAKEN EVERY PRECAUTION

DID ALL THAT I KNEW TO DO

I’D WORKED OUT – STAYED FIT – AND ATE RIGHT

JUST TO MAKE EVERYTHING GOOD FOR YOU.

 

I TOLD YOU LITTLE STORIES

I SANG TO YOU EVERY NIGHT

I LISTENED TO YOUR HEART BEAT

AND PRAYED YOU’D BE ALRIGHT

 

I TALKED TO GOD EVERYDAY

TOLD HIM OF MY DREAMS FOR YOU

I KNOW NOW THAT HE LISTENED

HE BLESSED ME FAR MORE THAN I KNEW

 

I WATCHED YOU GROW – AND DAILY

I SAW THE MIRACLE OF LOVE

YOU SAT – YOU CRAWLED – YOU STOOD – YOU WALKED

YOU WERE MY  MIRACLE FROM ABOVE

 

I’VE WATCHED YOU MAKE YOUR WAY IN LIFE

THROUGH HARDSHIPS AND LESSONS LEARNED

AND THOUGH YOU MAY NOT KNOW IT

MY JOY IN YOU IS RIGHTFULLY EARNED.

 

 

NO MOTHER COULD EVER BE PROUDER

OF HER CHILDREN – AS I AM OF YOU

NO CHILDREN COULD’VE EVER BEEN LOVED MORE

WHILE I WATCHED IN WONDER AS YOU GREW 

NOW AS I MARVEL AT THE GLORY OF GODS WORK

FOR I SEE HIM IN ALL OF YOU

I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU WERE MY PURPOSE IN LIFE

YOU WERE MY GOALS – WHAT I WAS HERE TO DO

 

IF NOTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE HAS PURPOSE

IF I NEVER DO ANYTHING MORE

I’LL KNOW I’VE DONE ALL GOD WANTED

WHEN MY SHIP COMES INTO SHORE 

YOU ARE MY CROWNING GLORY

YOU’RE ALL MY SHINING STARS

MY LIFE – MY LIGHT – MY LOVE

IN THIS BRIEF MOMENT THAT WAS OURS 

WHEN YOU JOURNEY ON WITHOUT ME

AS YOU SURELY SOMEDAY WILL

REMEMBER THAT I LOVED YOU

AND THAT I LOVE YOU STILL

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY CHILDREN.

 I WANTED YOU ALL TO HAVE SOMETHING THIS YEAR THAT ONLY I COULD GIVE YOU. SOMETHING FROM MY HEART, SOMETHING THAT WOULD SHOW YOU HOW VERY MUCH I LOVE YOU – HOW VERY PROUD I AM OF YOU. THIS DOESN’T EVEN COME CLOSE – BUT IT’S THE BEST I CAN DO. THERE ARE NO WORDS IN ANY LANGUAGE TO EXPRESS THE FEELINGS I HAVE FOR YOU, SO THESE WILL HAVE TO DO.      I LOVE YOU DEARLY.                                            MAMA                                                                                                 December 14, 2007

 

 

Angels…

I must admit – even I am amazed right now. This site is only 3 days old today, and I cannot believe all that is pouring out of me. It seems as if now that I have somewhere to do this, all my creative juices have started flowing, and I can’t seem to stop them, they are overflowing.

My daughters page http://heatherweiland.wordpress.com/ has the story of Jesus’ mother, Mary started on it, and one of the things she has talked about is her fear of being approached by an Angel of God. I know she speaks of an Angel like Gabriel or Michael. In this I can understand her fear and trepidation. It would be very intimidating to have an Angel of God appear to you – for any reason!  But the discussion in the comments on her post have brought up the question  – was it more acceptable in Mary’s day? Were they more open to it? Do we have less faith today than they did ‘back in the day?’

I have been thinking alot about this for the last day or so. Yes, in many ways I think it was easier to believe in miracles, and Angels in her day, simply because they WERE more open to it. I also think it has alot to do with the fact that in Mary’s day – there weren’t so many people trying to destroy our faith and belief. Oh, to be sure there were those who didn’t believe, and those who feared our Lord and his coming Son. But technology didn’t exist at all, and what science there was – was in it’s infancy and probably not much believed by the masses, if it was even known of. There were not over 6 billion people in the world trying to explain away everything that happened. They had no media and no internet to dissuade them from their beliefs. There was no communication hub to spread their stories, and experiences, for the world to hear and mock, and rationalize away.

While I know what I am about to say is not what my daughter meant – still I do think it is relevant. Our world has changed so very drastically since Mary’s time, that I believe we need to adjust our perceptions a little. The miracles in Mary and Joseph’s time were set for that era. Can you imagine being in Gods’ shoes today, and trying to impress our world, our age, with a miracle? With an Angel? I wouldn’t want that job – to be sure.

So I really think that we need to look harder – to see miracles and Angels for what and who they are. In this day and age, faith needs to be blind  – so to speak. We need to blind ourselves to all those who would explain away what we know to be true with logic, technology, science, etc, etc.

I have believed for a good number of years now that my entire life is a miracle all on it’s own, and the people in it are all Angels. There are a few extremely special people in it, however, that truly are messengers from God. This poem is for them;

 

Angels 

Do you have an angel in your life?

Would you know it if you did?

How do you know when one arrives?

Or do they keep themselves hid?

 Do they show up only when you ask?

Or do they know when you need them most?

Do they make themselves known to you?

Or do they work quietly – like a ghost? 

Do you have to believe to have one?

Or do you believe because you do? 

It doesn’t matter if you believe or not

One way or another, God believes in you!

My life is full of angels,

And God has sent them to me

He started when I was a child

Before I ever made a plea 

My first one was my mother

An angel she surely was

She loved , cared, and comforted me

And she did it ‘just because.’ 

My next one was my firstborn

A beautiful baby girl

And in 30+ yrs her wings have spread

Soft and glowing – like a pearl

Then came her sister – small and dark

With great big huge brown eyes

And in her way she’s proved to me

How we all needed her in our lives. 

Last came their brother – blonde and blue eyed

My final  triumphant  blessing?

My ‘last’ request  - asked of God

His answer – a gentle caressing.

  

I thought for certain – this was enough

No woman could be blessed more

Then out of the blue – in His tender way

He shook me to my core.

He has continued to bless me in my old age

This humble – unworthy servant

Six more angles He has given to me

Do I deserve them? It’s irrelevant! 

 I have Emily and Hannah

And Little Blake and Devin

Pheonyx and Savannah

All Gods’ gifts from heaven.

 

My life has been hard many times

He has carried me many days

But for all the trials he has put me thru

He has blessed me in so many ways 

Should I leave this world tomorrow

To don my own white wings

I’ll never question in my heart

The treasures that He brings. 

 

 

To my children…

Well, this is it. I am not sure what I will write here, but I have wanted to do this for a while now, and after reading my daughters blog, I decided to do it. She thinks I am a good writer. thank you for that huni. I do like to write poetry, so I suppose I will post some of it here.

I have this fixation for some reason that I am not long for this world, but I am not sure why. Maybe it’s because I am turning 50 next month and I feel old.  Maybe its because I have outlived my mother, and for some reason that feels wrong to me. I am not afraid to die at all. Death itself does not scare me. What bothers me about it is what I will miss when I am gone. I dont want to miss anything. When my mother died, I spent several years beating myself up about the things that I still wanted to say and do – and was certain I hadn’t said or done enough of. So now I try to do it as much as I possibly can, because there will come a day that I won’t be able to anymore.  That’s where this one came from:

P.S. To my kids – when I get all weepy and sentimental on you  – maybe this will help you to understand why?

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I’d see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
then call you back for  just one more

If I knew it would be the last time
I’d hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could re-play them all my days.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I would spare the extra minute
to stop and say “I love you,”
and not assume that you KNEW it.

If I knew it would be the last time
I’d be there to share your day,
But I’m so sure you’ll have many more,
that I can let  this ONE slip away. 

For surely there’s always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
For us to say “I love you,”
And certainly there’s another chance
to say “Anything I can do?”

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get…
I’d like to say I love you
and hope you never forget.

Tomorrow’s not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,

today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved ones tight.

So if you’re waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you’ll surely regret the day

That you didn’t take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned into their  last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you’ll always hold them dear

Take the time to say “Thank you,” and  “I’m sorry,”
“Please forgive me,” or “It’s okay.”
And if tomorrow never comes,
you’ll have no regrets about today.

Just so my children know – I love you!!