When God closes a door…

like this, grief and sadness can be the only response. My world is very sad today. There has been a death in the outer edges of my world. No, I did not know her personally, although I wish I had. Everything I have heard about her has been to say that she was a wonderful woman, well thought of, much loved, and she will be truly missed. Many people in my life are affected by her passing. True friends and people I care deeply about. I wish I could offer comfort to those who mourn her, but only a small handful know me, so I cannot, for the most part. From what I have been told of this woman, we could have been great friends. I truly think I would have liked her, and I think she would have liked me. I know that her family thought very well of her, and they speak very highly of her, so I have no doubt at all that I would have liked her. I know only OF her husband, Ronnie,I have not met him, but he is the brother of someone who is exceedingly special to me, and I know a little about him from Alan. I do not know all the children in the family, but the ones I do know are shocked and saddened by her sudden death, and since I care about them, I am also shocked and saddened for them.I feel particularly helpless, as I am unable to do anything for any of them. I believe this is a normal way to feel for a freind of the family, but it is frustrating. Remembering when my mother died, and how hard it was for me to go on with the day to day rituals of my life, I feel the need to offer support and a shoulder if need be, but I am unable to do so except to a few who I am close to.

To Ronnie, Walt, and Alan; to all the children of these men, and to all that will be affected by the loss of this wonderful woman, I offer my condolences, my heartfelt prayers, and please know that you will be in my heart and thoughts for quite some time to come.

To Diana; I wish I had known you. I am sorry to have missed you in my life. Even though I did, I still feel the loss, because people I love very much are hurting. I would not be much of a friend if I did not feel their pain, and empathise with them. 

Perhaps, one day in heaven, we can still meet and be friends. I would like that. 

“God never closes a door, but that he opens a window.” 

One More Day 

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn’t ask for money

or a mansion in Malibu

I simply asked for one more day with you.

One more day – one more time

One more sunset maybe I’d be satisfied

But then again - I know what it would do

Leave me wishin still for one more day with you.

First thing I’d do is pray for time to crawl

I’d unplug the telephone - keep the TV off

I’d hold you every second – say a million ‘I love you’s’

That’s what I’d do – with one more day with you.

One more day – one more time

One more sunset maybe I’d be satisfied

But then again – I know what it would do

Leave me wishin still for one more day with you.

Happy Valentines Day

Somewhere, there is someone who would appreciate this poem. I don’t know where he is, but I keep telling myself he is out there.

MY BROKEN ROADS 

No where along life’s journey

In all the twists and turns

Did I see a sign that showed me

Where to go or what to learn

 Some how though I found my way

Through all the lefts and rights

That led me to this place I’m in

And put me in your sights 

HE ‘s guided me all the way

Along my broken roads

Knowing that you’d be here

To help me bear this load 

I now know why things have been

In my life the way they are

To show me that I would have more

Without going all that far.

 I do believe it was His intent

That the two of us should meet

To help each other heal our wounds

Our fear and pain goes deep.  

 I’ve never used such caution

In matters of the heart

With you I must tread lightly

Or find us torn apart

 I bide my time – I’ll wait it out

My love for you is strong

I know that you will be there

And my ‘knowing’ is not wrong

 I’ve known the bad – I’ve lived that life

I know that you have too

We had to know this pain so we

Could see our way on through 

If you’ve never climbed a hill

A mountain you can’t beat

Our trials in life have shown us

It’s not our nature to retreat

 I’ll take the challenge He’s given me

And I will meet it – head on

Knowing full well that in the end

You’re the dream I wait upon.

For Those I love Part III

Yes, I am back again, just like the annoying neighbor you hope will go away, but ya’ll are too nice to tell me to shut up!

I just was looking at my stats on this thing, and oh my God! I’ve had 403 people to my little corner of the world here. People, you really need to leave me comments! Please….?

Ok, onto todays subject.

I am not sure how this turned into talking about my in-laws, but it has. Maybe it’s because I am so very lucky to have the best in-laws in the world. I can’t say enough about them.

Today, the one I will talk about will be a little difficult, only because even though he has been a part of my family longer than all the rest, it has taken me the longest to get to know him. I blame myself for this, because I was afraid of him, like none of the others. That was wrong,

My first baby, Heather, was born in 1974. She met him in 1990, I believe. She was 15! Too young! Way too young! Ya know something? The first time I met him, I remember thinking that he was different than the other ones she had brought home. Not that at 15, she had been bringing lots of boys home. Lets get that straight now. But you would have to know Heather to understand this part.  She has been like a flame to the moths.  I have seen so many people just be drawn to her – they can’t help themselves. She has that kind of a personality. She did even as a baby – complete strangers would walk up to me when she was a child, and tell me things like they saw her face across the store, or the dr’s office, (wherever we were), and they just had to come see her, talk to her, admire her! I used to get told all the time how amazingly pretty she was, and she was. She still is, believe me! So it really didn’t surprise me when the boys started following her home! I didn’t like it – oh hell no! But I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it. And I couldn’t. They flocked to her like the moths to the flame! ( or the bug zapper!)

This last moth, or bug, whichever you prefer, decided he wasn’t gonna go away. He stayed right around the edges of her flame, never getting burned, but unable to leave. I know thats what it was now. He was unable to leave. I can’t blame him – look at her! I call him a bug or a moth, but truly, he was like a catapillar, slow and steady he kept at it. Never being deterred, never allowing anyone to change his mind, not even her. Little did I know the magnificent butterfly within, that would spread his wings to encompass her, protect her, provide for her. Had I known then what I know now, I would have probably tried to bribe him to stay….LOL!

Eric and Heather werre married in 1994, and have been together ever since. 14 years! Wow, am I proud? You bet I am. I want to state this here and now…..Eric, I have always been proud of you, and happy that Heather married you. I want you to believe that, if you never believe anything else I tell you, OK?

Maybe some of the problems we had were because we were all so young. I was 31,  or 32 when he came into our lives. That’s very young to be dealing with a daughters boyfriend, let me tell you! And I was also struggling with the whole “She will not be like me!” thing, not realizing it was totally out of my control. He truly scared me, because I knew he was different, and I had a gut feeling about him even then. I never let myself verbalize it, I was too afraid to. So I think I started tryin to hold on to her tighter. What happens when we try to hold our almost adult children closer to us? Yup. You guessed it. She pulled away and ran from me. If you’ve never had a child run from you – and I mean literally – you can’t understand the fear, the pain, the terrible anguish a parent goes through. I was out of my mind.

Several times in my life, I have blank spots where there should be memories. This is one. I remember bits and pieces. Not all of it I know. My mind does this thing where I just blank out the worst of the memory. I don’t know why. I think maybe its because God knows I went a little crazy. You watch those TV shows where they talk about temporary insanity? I believe in it! I have been there and done that.

Of the bits and pieces I do remember, one of them is Eric. I remember him coming to our door, and being just as scared as I was, wanting to know if we had found her, any clues as to where she was? Did I want his help? It’s a good thing I said yes, cuz he would have been there anyway. But I did want his help, I NEEDED his help! My memory of this time is a little screwed up, I’m sure, and if I get some of this wrong, I’m sorry. I re-tell it the way I remember it.

Anyway, we found her. I think it was 12 days later. Longest 12 days of my life!! She was so angry with me. I don’t remember why. It doesn’t matter. We found her. That was all that mattered.

Eric never wavered. Stayed right through everything. Poor guy!!

Then in ‘92 I think it was, her dad received a job offer that we were so happy about. But there was a catch. We had to move – a long way away. From Denver to Atlanta, Ga. Oh man, was I scared. She was a senior in high school,  with like 4 months to go til she graduated. I could not take her away from her school, her friends, and most of all, Eric. If I had insisted that she go with us, she wouldn’t have been able to stop it. All I could think of was how I would have felt in her shoes, and I knew I had to think of her needs not my own. I swear, the only person who truly understood what I was going thru at that time was my best friend, Pepi. She had been my best friend for ever, and her children had grown up with my children. I had grown up with her husband, and it just seemed natural that I give her my first born. I would never have trusted her with anyone else. Do not try this at home! You have no idea how hard this was. No one but Pepi will ever know the complete and total anguish I went through. But Eric made me a promise that last night at Pepi’s. He promised me he would take care of my precious girl. He was good on his word. Between him and the Schlingman’s, they protected my daughter, and kept her safe for me. I know she thought that Bob and Pepi were a little smothering, but that’s why I wanted them to do this. Pepi felt like I did about my children. 

We came back for her graduation. Eric is right there with her. She came to stay with us in Atlanta for Christmas. Eric wasn’t there, but I knew he was back home waiting for her.

Then they were engaged. EXCUSE ME??? Oh hell yeah, they were planning a wedding. Ok, well now I know this one is NEVER going away. See? My gut instincts are accurate! 

But I have to admit, this man brought about a change in my daughter that I never would have believed possible. His influence in her life has been nothing short of miraculous. She is the woman she is today, as much because of him as anything else. Not only did he bring her to God, he ultimately brought her back to me.

We have talked about the growing pains that we all go through on our journey to who we are meant to become. This was part of her journey. (and mine!) There is very little in this life that is as hard as letting your babies go and letting them do things on their own. In knowing that if they need your help, they will ask, and if they don’t, it’s because you have raised them right. They never asked me for anything. Nothing. They didn’t need my help starting their life, not with their wedding, not with their first apartment, not a thing. How proud of them was I? Oh my God!

Since that wedding, in August of  ‘94, she has become an amazing woman, and he has been right there through everthing with her. Their first child, Hannah, was born in ‘99, and their second daughter, little Emily, in ‘02. Both are so much like their mother  – and I am SOOOO PROUD of them. And their parents. Eric is a fantastic father, a wonderful husband to my daughter, he has his own business now, and I know my daughter and their children will never want for anything! She is doing all the things that I wanted her to do, and she is doing them all on her own. Just the way I taught her.

I know she would not be the woman she is today if not for my wonderful son-in-law. I will be the first to admit that I felt as if he were stealing her from me at the time. I didn’t like him much for that. I know now that my feelings stemmed from the fear of letting go. I had fought so very hard for her in the beginning, and then all of a sudden she was gone – not mine anymore. (She still was, I know this now, but then…?) I had more growing up to do, and he proved that to me. He made me grow up! So he has molded and shaped us both to some extent.

Eric, for all the problems we had to begin with, please understand that it truly wasn’t personal. I would have felt that way about any man in her life! It just happened to be you. I remember you telling me how you felt at the time that you were her prince Charming, and she was your Cinderella, and you had to free her from the evil, wicked mother. Good think I wasn’t a step-mom! LOL There is a song that is current on the country music charts right now, called “Stealing Cinderella,” by Chuck Wickes, and everytime I hear it, I think of you and her. I know things have changed now and you don’t feel the same way about me that you used to, and I have also changed. I am so happy for that. I do love you, Eric. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone, and you need to know that. You are as important to this family as anyone else is, and I thank God for you every day!

Eric and I sat down and wiped the slate clean a couple of years ago. This was a shocker for me, because I had no idea that he felt the way he did. It was so wonderful to know that he felt that way. If you have read any of my words on this site, you know how important it is to me to be important to my children and thier families. Including their spouses. Especially their spouses. I never felt that I had made a good impression on Eric. I wanted very much to change this with him, and to be closer to him. I didn’t know how. I felt pushed away, excluded, not wanted or welcomed in his life or his family. I felt I had let them both down somehow, and this broke my heart, and widened the gulf between me and Heather. I knew pushing my way in was not the way to do it. So I waited, mostly because I didn’t know what to do, not realizing that it wasn’t my place to do anything. I had to wait for him to be ready. I had to wait for THEM to be ready. It was worth the wait, let me tell you.

I have learned so much about Eric in the last couple of years, and I am very happy and proud to call him my son-in-law.  Thank you for loving my daughter, for being who you are and fighting for what you wanted. I knew when she was little there was someone very special out there waiting for her. I’m glad it was you!

I love you, Eric Weiland. I hope you are happier with me now than you were years ago. I know that I am much happier now, and I owe that in part to you!

You’re never too old to learn…(part 2 & 3)

I was thinking about this all the way home from Denver today. I had to call Heather and tell her how much yesterday meant to me. How much it meant to have Hannah come up to me and tell me she loved me and give me a hug. That was just a topper to the whole day like I NEVER expected! My grandaughter is not a huggy lovey type of person, which we all have learned to respect. It’s been hard, but we’ve done it. She gave grandma a hug yesterday and told me she loved me and happy birthday! What a gift that was! oh man!!

I have something else I want to say to my kids and my friends tho. My daughter thanked me for ‘forgiving her?’  This has had me thinking very hard all the way home. Huni, forgiving others is comparatively easy when you compare it to forgiving yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This is a lesson I have had to learn the hard way, and I still am not the best at this. I beat myself up over some silly stuff at times too. You need to know that most the things you still hold yourself accountable for are things that others forgave you for ages ago. I know this to be sooooo very true!!  Please, please, please, don’t be so hard on yourself. I love you and I always will. Nothing you’ve ever done, real or imagined, is anything worth beating yourself up over. Especially when it comes to me. You have been a wonderful daughter and I am so thankful to have had you in my life. Remember these words, ok? If you remember nothing else I’ve ever told you, remember that. I love you. You didn’t need forgiveness from me, you need it from you.    You and Eric told me a while back, that everything I was holding onto was water under the bridge. The only reason I was afraid to accept that was because I hadn’t forgiven myself for those things. Yes, it is harder to forgive ourselves, and I am queen of this. HA HA  but all that said, its still true.

It’s still been hard for me to do, until yesterday.  But what you said to me on Saturday, made me think of all the guilt I put myself thru over my mom, over all of you, and (here I go again, I know), I realized then, like I never had before, that my mom really HAD forgiven me before she died, and now I know that all of you have too.  I really, really didn’t realize this until then. So, I am not too old to learn, cuz you, daughter, just taught me something, AGAIN! Until you said that to me, my perspective on the whole thing with my mom hadn’t changed, and deep down I couldn’t forgive myself for any of that or anything that had ever been between me and all of my children. I had thought I had, but I was wrong. Now, it is changed. I know that my mom had forgiven me without a doubt, that all of you really mean it too, and now, suddenly, I am free! Free of myself. Cuz I know now that it was only me not forgiving me!

The emotion in your voice, and on your face hit me like a brick. You reminded me so much of me!  The feelings that went thru me at that moment, opened my heart and mind so much! I knew then what my mom had “felt” after she died and saw me going thru so much grief, and guilt, and heartache.  I wouldn’t wish that on anyone! I don’t want you to carry anything like that around with you huni. There will always be growing aches and pains, even at my age! But they all make us stronger; they make us who we are.  God has made our family very very strong. Especially the women.

I don’t mean to go on and on about this, but it is SO important. I don’t want to leave my kids with any doubts. Sometimes, specially with my son, these aren’t the kind of things he talks about easily. But even with my girls, we get all weepy and emotional and then everything doesn’t come out the way you want it to, or you forget something.  So let me make this clear, ok? Too all of you. I love you, no matter what has ever happened in the past, or what may happen in the future, it just doesn’t matter. You’re my babies, you will always be my babies, no matter how old any of you gets, or how old I get. There is nothing any of you could do that I would not forgive, or have not forgiven, or that even needs forgiving,  and nothing any of you could ever do that I would not love you with all my heart, and soul. You are my angels, pure and simple. As far as I am concerned, you are all as perfect as a human being can get. If you are worried about anything, don’t be, my babies. It’s water under the bridge. (Mama… thank you, and sorry it took me so long to figure it out! I love you too. )

ShawnDe and Aubrey – I can’t tell you how much what you said meant to me either. There isn’t a mother (in-law) around worth her salt that doesn’t want to hear those words.  I never really expected to. 

Thank you, Heather, for teaching your mama a very valuable lesson. Nice to know that I can still learn.   

Even tho I didn’t want to celebrate this birthday, I’m so glad my daughters and friends didn’t listen to me. This was the best birthday I’ve ever had. 50 is looking pretty good!!

You’re never too old to learn…

Wow. I had my socks knocked off yesterday. All my girls managed to do what no one has ever done for me! They pulled off a surprise party. For my birthday. Damn it!  LOL But it was fun, and I’m glad they did. We did a facial spa thing at Heathers house, and I was VERY SURPRISED!! They started it off with a buffet style breakfast, which was yummy!! Then we did the whole facial thing, which they couldn’t have picked a better theme, since my face is the one thing about me that I hate the most. So this was good.  Michelle showed up and so did Linda, a friend of mine for years and years! Since we were little girls!!! And I do mean little. Like under 10! We had fun!

It amazes me sometimes to see how much my daughters are like me, tho. Thats what this post is all about. The lady doing the show, Catherine, said that to start it off, everyone had to go around and say something nice about me. And the one that made me cry got a special prize. oh great!  This is very easy to do! LOL So we start, and everyone said very nice things which they have no idea how hard it was not to cry, at everyone of them! Linda talked about how long we had been friends, and how we met. ShawnDe said she was happy I was her mom and at how I had reaised her, because look how she turned out! (I agree!! I dont necessarily take credit for it, but I agree!) Aubrey touched me so much when she said that she was glad for me cuz without me there wouldnt be Bud, and she thinks I am a great mother-in-law! (One of my goals!!) Michelle, who has been Heather’s friend for over half her life,  said I had always made her feel welcome and like part of the family! WELL, MICHELLE HUNI, YOU ARE PART OF THIS FAMILY – THATS WHY YOU FEEL THAT WAY!  I WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY! You have been a loyal and true friend to my daughter for so long, neither of us could imagine you not in this family! (you’re stuck with us sweetie!! :)  ) Then, Heather was last, and I thought I had done so well! Then she looks at me and says that she is glad I am her mom, and that I am so forgiving, because she thinks she was a bad daughter when she was younger, and I lost it!! 

It’s funny the things you learn about your kids. I was pretty sure I knew her well enough that she couldn’t actually surprise me with the depth of her emotions again. Man, was I wrong. Any of you that have read anything I have written here about my Mom, you will get this right away. Heather is, I swear, like a carbon copy of me in so many ways! But she is smarter too! She did something yesterday, that I would still, to this day, give my eye teeth to say to my mom. I assumed I was gonna have that chance later, and I didn’t. She told me that yesterday, and it gave me the chance to tell her something in return. You WERE NOT A BAD KID! YOU WERE A WONDEFUL DAUGHTER. YOU STILL ARE! YOU WILL ALWAYS BE TO ME!! We all go thru the things we do as a kid to get to the places we are meant to be, and that’s all you were doing. Yes, somethings hurt, but that’s life! The hurtful things that do happen, only serve to make you appreciate the wonderful moments that come later, like YESTERDAY!!

To be honest with you all, I know now that my Mom has spent the last 24 years looking down at me and telling me “stop worrying over the little things, because thats what they are – LITTLE!” and she would be right. 24 years ago, I certainly couldnt look at  it that way. Now, my daughter, my precious angel, my firstborn carbon copy of me, is doing the same thing. Huni, dont sweat the small stuff! Believe me, I don’t. I am so proud of you. I told you once that you were one of the best ‘choices’ or decisions I ever made, and I stand by that. You said you were thankful that I was as forgiving as I am? Baby, when you love someone as much as I love you, it’s so easy! it’s an no-brainer.  Everyone at that table yesterday has such a special place in my heart, for all kinds of reasons. I know that in order to get thru life, we all have a learning curve, and we stumble and fall sometimes. Thats how we learn, and judging by the number of times I have stumbled or fallen, I should be very intelligent! I don’t know how true that is, but I know this for sure. To forgive may be Devine, but it’s also very healing. How sad, dreary, and empty would our lives be if we never forgave? The Lord knows what he’s talking about here! (DUH!)

I am happy that all of my children have forgiven me the mistakes I made raising them. And mostly the Lord and I  know how many there were!! I look back on what I can remember, and Heather, sometimes I wonder that you would want to claim me as your Mother! But I am so very happy you have forgiven me for my mistakes as well. Believe me, I wasnt always sure you would! You, or your brother or sister!

You know something? The party was fun and I’m glad we did it. But the best part of the day was the gift of love that went around that table yesterday morning. Nothing store bought can beat that – it’s the best birthday gift I’ve ever received in all my 50 years. Thank you girls.  I love you all.

CHANCES…

I said I was gonna use this to post some of my poetry, and this time I am specifically for that reason. 

This is a poem I wrote, and I really like it. The person it was written for seemed to like it, and I think it is one of the best ones I have written. A little long, but when I write, I write til it feels finished. 

I hope you like it. 

Chances 

I had my life all settled

My routines all down pat

My work, the kids, my friends

My home life – and all that. 

I didn’t look for anything

I didn’t want the hurt.

Everytime I’ve tried I’ve lost

So all I’ve done is flirt.

They say that’s when it happens

When you’re least expecting it

You walked into my life that night

And the flame of hope was lit.

It felt like lightening in my soul

The charge that went through me.

I was shakey, weak, I couldn’t breathe,

You brought me to my knees.

No one has knocked at my hearts door

In a very long, long time.

I wasn’t prepared for what you did

Now my heart is no longer mine.

I know that you’re not ready

To travel down this course.

I don’t think I am either

I fear it ends in more remorse.

It’s been a roller coaster ride

This trip you’ve taken me on.

I’m happy, sad, I’ve laughed and cried.

And that flame? It still burns long….

You think I’m betting on us?

NO WAY!! I’m scared to death.

I only know I can’t let go

And I cannot catch my breath.

Now you must leave and go away

For several weeks at least

That’s got me all in turmoil

And I can find no peace.

You should know – that when you leave

You take a part of me.

I hope it’s something that you want

Maybe something that you need?

I can’t tell you what I feel for you

I’m not sure I can admit that yet

I only know you changed my life

That first night that we met.

I also hope that while you’re gone

In the time that we’re apart

I’ll cross your mind – be in your thoughts

Maybe in your heart.

I know I’ll be waiting for my phone to ring

And with everyday that passes

You’ll be in my thoughts and on my mind

In daydreams and in flashes.

I know that nothing’s guaranteed

And maybe this will spoil it

But I had to tell you that I care

Cuz I’m sure that you have seen it.

I cannot hide my feelings

I’m like an open book,

And I hope this won’t push you away

This crazy chance I took.

The time we’ve had together

Has sent my life just spinning

I know I don’t want to lose you

Could this be just a beginning?

UPDATE…(ON MY BIRTHDAY)

Well, I got past it. My birthday that is. Altho there are a few who won’t let me forget, Thank you Matt!! He reminds me constantly that not only am I old, I am also fat. LOL  This is a game we play he and I. Yes, I’m old, but no I am not fat. He’s teasing me because I am on a diet. I am down to 130, and that’s not so bad, but he just has to keep reminding me that I am on a diet, therefore I must be fat. 

My huni is in New Zealand til the 19th of this month. I am so envious. I would love to go there just to see the country, and say I have been there. I have googled New Zealand, and in particular ChristChurch, which is where he went. Man, it’s beautiful! I think he is very fortunate to have the chance to go. He might have gone on his own, I don’t know. As it was, he had a chance to go for work, and for him that’s the best reason to do anything.  I am happy for him, I miss him, I want him home, but at the same time, I want him to enjoy himself. Brat!!

My job search continues. Still without much in the way of prospects. I can’t believe this. I’ve never had this problem getting a job before. It’s beginning to snowball real badly. My tags on my car will expire next month, and so will my insurance. This is not looking good.

I have a packet coming from the state on taking a civil service exam for the post office.  I have alot of hopes pinned on that.  I would not mind working for the post office at all. Good bene’s, very decent pay! Lord knows I need a break. but it cost me $130 I didn’t really have. That was part of my rent!! My landlord is getting nervous!!

Well this is my update for now. I have been kinda down in the dumps lately which has made this sorta hard. I don’t know what to write, and don’t wanna sound down here.  Hopefully things will improve here shortly. I sure need them to.  

ON AGING….

George Carlin on age.
(Absolutely Brilliant)

ALL OF YOU THAT KNOW ME KNOW THAT I HAVE A BIRTHDAY COMING UP THAT I AM NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUT. THIS WAS SENT TO ME BY A FRIEND WHOSE TRYING TO CHEER ME UP ABOUT IT. IT MADE ME LAFF SO HARD I HAD TO PUT IT ON HERE. THIS IS ONE OF THE TRUEST THINGS I HAVE EVER READ….. AND IT DID MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!

IF YOU DON’T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. .

George Carlin’s Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.

For Those I love Part II

This got me thinking. Yes, I am closer to the women in my family than most of the men. Women bond differently than men do, and I know all the men are closer to each other in ways we women will never understand. The same thing goes for us as well. We have bonds between us that the men will never understand.

But that doesn’t mean I should leave them out of this. So today I will talk about one of them.

He is a great addition to my family. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. He has been around for a lot longer than I care to admit, but on the other hand, he has brought so much to our family in those years that I wouldn’t want to imagine those years without him either.

He is father to my grandchildren, and what a GREAT DAD!! I am so proud of him! He has proven time and again that no matter what it takes, he will take care of my daughter, of his children, no matter the hardship to himself. I don’t think this is even a consideration for him. An outstanding father, husband, and provider.

 I first met him in ‘95. He scared me to death!! Oh my God! He was so BIG!! My daughter is so tiny! I am not a big woman at all and she is smaller than I. This guy is like a giant in my house, I’m waiting for him to duck to come in the door!

But gentle as a teddy bear. Warm, loving, and loves my daughter. You know how it is to be a parent, and have some guy standing there telling you he loves your daughter. You’re thinking to yourself, the hell you do! You don’t know what love is, you have no idea of commitment or what it means. I’m not gonna let you hurt my daughter! Yeah, all these things ran thru my mind. You bet they did.

He was persistent tho! I will spare you the details of the courtship! Suffice it to say that they were married by the end of the year, much to my surprise. I didn’t think they would do it! They called my bluff so to speak, and left me with egg on my face. One thing I have come to realize however, is that it was the best bluff I have ever had called, and he knew what he wanted and he took it. At the time I wouldn’t ever have admitted that it could be a good thing, but it was and has been for all these years.

The first years are always a little tough with any relationship. Doesn’t matter who you are, there is a learning curve. Their first 4 years were a little tough. Hell we had all taken bets they wouldn’t make it a year, (which was just terrible on our parts – us adults who thought we knew so much!) Then on February 14th, they show up at my house and hand me a Valentines Day card. Ok, this is something that my daughter doesn’t usually do, get me something for Valentines Day…. why is this year special? then I open the card. My breath catches in my throat, my pulse accelerates to about 200 bpm, and I start trembling. The front of the card says, “Happy Valentines Day, GRANDMA!” 

Suddenly, they are a family. I will have a baby in my life again. I am so excited. And worried. They are not the most stable family unit. Will this make or break them? I am so worried, I pray everyday for them to have the strength and determination to get thru it.

My son-in-law, this great big huge guy whom I have come to love like he is my own son, makes a change that to this day is still the most amazing metamorphisis I have ever seen. He was a kid when he married my daughter, and that was ok cuz my daughter was a kid too. We all knew they would do some growing up together and they did. But now…. he does an about face, and what seems like overnight, becomes a man I am so very proud of. You can see it in him. The prospect of becoming a father has had such a profound impact on him.

Kevin I am so proud of you and have been for many, many years.

Since the birth of my first grandchild, a little boy named Devin James Young, this young man has become the most amazing father and husband. I could not have asked for a better mate for my daughter, or a better father for her children. He is simply a Godsend. An Angel in disguise, a blessing that only God himself could have forseen.

They have had their ups and downs! We all do. They have weathered them all. This last December was their 13th wedding anniversary, and they now have 3 children. Devin in ‘99, Savannah in ‘02, and Pheonyx in ‘07. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me, how proud I am of him.

Kevin, you scared me in the beginning, because I thought I was going to lose another daughter. At the time, that was how it felt. I know that was wrong now, but it was how it felt.

Thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for taking a stand against me – for standing up for who you wanted. For what you wanted. I know I didn’t make that easy to do. I tried to be as formidable as I knew how. I have no idea how well I pulled that off, but in the end it doesn’t matter. You did what was right, and I was wrong, and I am so very happy to admit that!!

I hope you know that when I tell you I love you, they are not just words. I mean it. I couldn’t love you more if you were my own son. As far as I am concerned, you are my ’son.’

Initially, we have the family we are given, and we have no choice in that. As life goes on, we chose who we add to our family. At some point, we go back to having no choice in the matter, as our children make the choices, and we have to stand back and let it happen. This is a very hard thing to do. To let go. If we are lucky, we have done our jobs to the best of our abilities and our children make good choices. I certainly must have done something right, because my children made EXCELLENT choices. All of them. I am very, very proud to call Kevin my son-in-law.

You have made my daughter happy, and that’s what I care about the most. Never mind the hiccups along the way. We all have them baby. You get over the speedbumps, and keep going. Thank you for loving my daughter, for being the father you are, for taking care of them the way you do. You are the best!!!

I love you. 

For those I love…

I learned something today. I learned that my words here are actually having an effect. I knew that my daughter, Heather, was reading it. Then I have a friend from high school, Joyce, who is also reading it.

This impresses me becuz she and I haven’t seen each other or had any contact at all in 30 yrs until last year. What I think is so cool about this is that seeing her again last fall, was for me like a trip back to high school! Oh my, she still looks like I remember her, and she still has the same great sense of humor I’d remembered. It was awesome to see her and visit with her again. We keep in touch through email now, and I suppose in a way, thru this too. This is cool to me, becuz I had lost contact with all my old friends from high school. I knew that some had passed away, and nothing brings home your own mortality like having school friends die. But having her back in my life is like my own version of “GREASE!” The reminiscing (sp?) was fantastic. It takes on a whole new life when you have been out of school for 32 yrs!!

But this is not the one that has affected me so much today. Today it is someone else, who is very close to my heart. She is my friend, it is true. I hope in the years to come that she and I will be much better friends, for I love her. Although I will admit that while I had always hoped to be close to her, I wasn’t sure that it would happen. I wanted it to. But I didn’t want to be overbearing about it. I’ve tried not to be an overbearing personality where my family and she are concerned. And she IS part of my family. A very special part.  A part that I cannot imagine not having. She has completed a part of my family that needed her, and wether she knows it or not, she is a very welcome addition to it. Both my daughters love her to death, and so does my son. Her name is Aubrey Stearns, and she is my daughter-in-law.

She is an amazing woman! I remember the first time I met her, when my son brought her to my house. I lived way out in the boonies not to far from Pueblo, Co., in a little tiny trailer. This poor woman came and sat in my house for at least a couple of hours, and unbeknownst to me, was alergic to cats. (I had two!) She had to have been miserable, and she never complained or even mentioned it. Since then, I’ve come to know that she is a very wonderful person. I am so impressed with my son and his choice of a wife. I don’t think he could have chosen better. Two years ago, almost anyway, she brought into our lives a most wonderus gift. My grandson Blake Tanner Stearns. And he is definetly one of the most brightly shining stars in my life these days. He is SUCH  a character!!  I am as blessed as any woman can be by these additions to my family.

Now, over the weekend I found out from her that she has been reading this collage of my thoughts and feelings. 

 I also get to know the stuff about your mom and try to understand it from being my age and all, and maybe just maybe I should take heed and change the relationship with my mom so that she’ll know this before it is too late! Don’t take this out of context, I feel your pain and yours was different circumstances, and age but we all go through it and some point in our lives, when god brings it to you, he’s sees you through it! (and we are all here to listen) But keep writing, I think it “heals” for you!

 She is right about one thing. It does help me heal. Some of these things have been locked up inside of me for so long, and it does feel good to get them out. And my whole point with this thing was “To leave something of myself behind…”, and as I told her this morning, I would have loved to have something from my Mom that I could take out and read and re-read on days when I needed her with me. There have been many in the last 24 yrs.  

I didn’t expect to have an effect on my childrens’ spouses. The fact that I have moves me quite a bit. I simply wanted them to know their mother on a different level than they have before. In this era of email, and text messages, and the shorthand that goes with both, we don’t necessarily take the time to have the relationships like we should. (This Heather brought up and she is so very right!!) Like our parents and grandparents did. I also know, from having been in their shoes at one time, what the constraints and pressures are of raising your family, trying to create a better life for your family. doing all the things that you believe you must do, and in  amoungst all this, trying to find the time to create real relationships with those in your life. It’s a very tricky juggling act! You never seem to have time for everything. If I thought it was hard in my day, and it was – believe me! – then I know it must be that much harder to do now. Every generation  has their different things to add to the mix. I would not want to be raising my family now, as they are, it was hard enough for me with the obstacles that I faced. I can’t imagine what it must be like now. This only leads me to believe that there is that much LESS time to do the things you know you should do – like spending time with friends, older relatives, children. The pressures of being young today are that much greater than in my time.

So I do not want them to feel as though they need to babysit me, or call me all the time. I know they do not have the time for this. I try very hard not to intrude into their lives very much. As I said before, I do not want to be the ‘overbearing’ mother or mother-in-law that I know so many people have in their lives. They know if they need me, I am here. I will always be here for them – all of them – wether it is Heather, Bud, and ShawnDe, or Eric, Aubrey and Kevin, or any combination of the 6! I want my children to be proud of their Mother. I want their spouses to be happy with their Mother-in-law.  Happy to say – I have a great Mother-in-law or Mother. And if someday, the rest of them are curious enough, perhaps they will read this, to know me a little better, and maybe – just maybe – some of my insights will help them with something they have to deal with. I can only hope.

I would be shocked to hear that Kevin, Eric, or Bud had actually read any of this. But that’s ok. I don’t expect them to really. But to know that my dearest daughter-in-law reads my words, knows my feelings, and perhaps sees some wisdom in my words makes me very happy. My son may never read this, but he may know of it through his wife. My grandchildren will probably never see it at all. But maybe something I have said here, will filter down to them from their parents, and I will have made a difference after all!

I know that my grandchildren love me. The ones that are old enough to comprehend feelings. My mother wasn’t given the opportunity to make much of an impact on my childrens lives. So I feel it encombant on me to leave a lasting impression on mine while I can. I think I am off to a good start. When I show up at their homes, they come running to me, saying my name, big ole smiles on their faces. Blake makes a game of it by smiling and laughing and running away from me – which tickles me to no end. Little Pheonyx finally smiles at me when she sees me, which gives me a feeling I cannot even describe! Devin, Savannah, Hannah, and Emily’s faces light up when they see me, and I am surrounded by little arms with GREAT BIG HUGS! This is a satisfaction so complete that I have no words for it.  I must be doing something right. I want my grandchildren to remember me, to remember how much I loved them, to remember how much they loved me. This is something my children were robbed of, and I mean to make it up to their children if I can.

A major part of this I would not have if not for Aubrey. I am thankful to her and my son for the joy they have given me. Not just in Blake, but in her as well. I am so very proud to call her my daughter-my-law.